**Click on Back to return to the previous page. title: Iolielocks and the Three Bears author: Achaea author's email: JAchaea@aol.com A Young Hercules, New Greeceland fairytale. Author's note: This was inspired by the hilarious the Stargate SG1 fairytale collection. *** Once upon a time, there was a young girl- "Hey!" Oh, sorry Iolaus. I meant, there was a young cadet- "That's better." --in a dress --- "Herc! I am not wearing a dress!" Hey, you're the one who didn't want to be the narrator, remember? "I'm not doing this if I have to wear a dress and that's final." I'll make sure it matches your eyes. "N. O. spells NO!" Look ladies and gentlemen, he has learned something in school after all! "Guys. We're never going to get anywhere like this." "That's easy for you to say, Jason, you're not the one Herc's got wearing a dress." Okay, okay, look, it wasn't a dress. Alright? "Thank you." It was a kilt. "What?" "That's it. You two are getting nowhere. From now on, I'll be the narrator." Then what am I'm supposed to do, Jason? "You can be my part." You don't have a part. "You didn't give me a part? Then I'm definitely being the narrator!" Fine. But I would have made a great narrator. "Yeah, right." I heard that, Iolaus. "Ooo, I'm so scared Mr. Doesn't Even Have a Part Anymore." So Hercules, where had you gotten to? "Um, the first line." That's it? Good thing I'm taking over. "...." What was that, Hercules? ". . . nothing." Okay, then. One day Goldilocks was wandering happily through the woods. "La de dum de da." Thank you. "Any time, Jase." "Waiter, please, I need a barf bag here." Very funny, Hercules. "Yeah, Herc, just because some of us know how to act like adults." "You? What alternate reality did we just enter?" "Man, another alternate reality? I hate those things!" Hercules was just kidding, Iolaus. "Oh, good." ::pause:: "Hey!" Let's just get on with it, please? I can't even believe Cheiron suggested that we put on a play in the first place. He's really a glutton for punishment. "What do you mean? He's not even in it. He's just watching." That's what I mean, Hercules. But ANYWAY, Goldilocks was so busy picking flowers- "Flowers, Jase?" "Yeah, they look really pretty with your dress, Iolaus." "It's not a dress, it's a kilt! I mean . . . " Whatever. He was so busy picking up . . . "Not flowers." . . . . fallen apples to stuff his face with that he didn't realize how far from the path he was straying. "Gosh, it's getting dark, but I'd really like just one more apple." Finally, Goldilocks had eaten his fill of apples. "Oh, I think I may be sick." "See, that wouldn't have happened if you were picking flowers like the script says." "You want me to be eating flowers?" Goldilocks looked around and discovered he had no idea where he was! "Gosh, I have no idea where I am! Wait, yes I do." No you don't. "Yeah, I do! Look, all you have to do is look at where the moon is and--" "Iolaus, Goldilocks is not going to look at the moon. Goldilocks is going to be lost, allright?" "Fine. Boo hoo, I'm lost. Hapy now, Herc?" He's very happy. Can we get back to the story? Goldilocks wandered the forest, bumping into trees- "Ouch! --and falling into ponds-- "Ahhh! ::splash::" "Don't forget about tripping over roots!" --Thanks, Hercules. And tripping over rooots-" "Whoops! ::thud::" --And-- "Jason, are you sure all this was in the original story?" Absolutely, Iolaus. "Oh yeah? Let me see the script." Maybe later. . . . .uh, finally, Goldilocks came upon a small house. "Kewl, maybe I can get something to eat and a place to sleep in that house over there!" "Something to eat? Iolaus, you just ate half of the apples in the forest! "Yeah, but I've been walking around half the night. Hey, the door's locked!" Iolaus, that's supposed to be my line. "Sorry." When Goldilocks tried the door, he realized it was locked. But he didn't let that stop him. "I know I've got a lockpick around here, somewhere." "Jason, that's breaking and entering!" I'm just following the script, Hercules. Soon Goldilocks was inside the house. "Gosh, no one's home." "Well, duh." "Jason, will you make Herc stop interrupting?" Hercules, stop interrupting. "Hey, I was just pointing out the dialogue was pretty pathetic here. Who wrote this anyway?" Cheiron. "Oh, well, when I say pathetic, I mean it in the best possible sense of the word . . . "Hey, can we get on with it here? I'm hungry!" And I thought my counsellors could be pains in the - "Yeah, Iolaus." "Herc, I have news for you. Jason was referring to you!" "Was not." "Was to." Guys . . . "Not." "To." "Not." "To." "N-" Okay, I give up! Hercules, if I give you back the narration do you promise to stop interrupting? Heh heh, stand back, the master returns. "So, oh master, where were we?" Uh . . . Goldilocks was hungry. He looked around and saw three bowls of porridge on a table. "Only three?" Iolaus! "Well, I'm really hungry!" Too bad. He tried the first one and didn't like it. "Ah, ewww, yuck! Tastes like the Academy food!" So he tried the second one- "Hey, this isn't too bad. It tastes like your mom's cooking, Herc." "Iolaus, according to the script, it's supposed to be too hot." "No, it tastes pretty---oh, uh, wow, yeah, it is pretty spicy isn't it . . .um, is there some water around here . . . ??" "Iolaus, dunking yourself in the water barrel isn't part of the story." "Hot! Need more water!" ::Sigh:: Once Goldilocks got over acting like an idiot- "Hey, blame your mom!" He tried the third bowl. "Do I have to?" Yes. "The things I do for theatre . . . . oh, hey, Ambrosia! All right!" Goldilocks was very happy and scarfed the third bowl all up. "Doesn't this mean I get to become a god now?" "It's not that kind of Ambrosia, Iolaus." "Oh, I was wondering why there were marshmallows." Ahem. After he had finished eating, Goldilocks felt tired. "Yawn. Isn't there anywhere to crash around here?" He went upstairs and found three beds. "Hey, look, three beds!" He tried the first one but it was too hard. "Zzzzzzzz." Iolaus! Iolaus, you're not supposed to like that one! Jason give him a kick will you? "See, I knew I had a part." "Ow! What was that for?" "You're supposed to not like that one." "But it feels just like the Academy beds." Just try the next one, okay? "Okay, okay. I never knew Fairy Tales were so uptight." The second bed was too soft. "Mmmmff mmmuu mmmm!" Oh brother. Jason, would you fish him out of there? "Right, right. I have to do all the dirty work." "Phew! That was really soft! Can I try the third one now?" You took the words right out of my mouth. "Hey, this one's pretty nice! Nice and sproingy." Iolaus, stop bouncing on the bed and go to sleep. "Way to sound like my mom, Herc." I do not. I'm just being the narrator. So shut up and sleep. "Zzzzzzzz." While Goldilocks was sle- "Herc?" What now, Iolaus? "Will you sing me a bedtime song?" Iolaus! "::snicker:: Pretty please?" No, no no. "Meanie." Where was I? "Goldilocks was sleeping." "Right. Thanks Jason." "No prob. It's what I'm here for." So while Goldilocks was shaking the house with his snores- "I don't snore!" Yeah, and I'm a Ghidra. "Well, now that you mention it, there is a little physical resemblence around the face . . ." Jason, you're not helping. "Well, can't we just get on with it?" We can as soon as Iolaus goes to sleep! "Oh, allright, I'm sleeping, I'm sleeping. See? ZZZzzzzzzz." Thank you. "You're welcome. I mean . . .ZZZzzzzzzzz." So finally the three bears who owned the house returned. "Hey! Someone's broken into our home! Strife, didn't you set the burglar alarm?" "Sorry, unc. I thought Discord was going to do it." "He told you to do it!" Hey, hey, guys, stick to the script, okay? "I'll get you for this, Hercules. Just because your father's Zeus, does not mean I--" Yeah, yeah, whatever. Anyway, they went into the kitchen. "What! Someone's replaced my dinner with Academy food!" Ares, that's not what the script says! "......" I can't hear you. "Somebody's been eating my food. And when I find out who it was I'm going to blast him into smithereens!" Uh, thanks, that was close enough. And now Discord. . . Discord? "::gasp:: need water!" Or, in other words, she noticed that someone had been eating her food, too. "Hey, someone's been eating my food and they ate it all up! No fair!" "Excuse me? Why did Strife get Ambrosia?" Who cares? "I do! I'm the senior god around here and if anyone's going to get Ambrosia, it'll be me! I love those little marshmallows!" "Hercules, can you speed this up? Our audience is beginning to fall asleep." Right. So they went upstairs. Ares noticed his bed had been all wrinkled up. "Hey! Someone's been in my bed! And when I catch them I'll --" Yes, yes, we know. Ares. Discord went to her bed and noticed the same thing! "Mmmmmfp!" Discort, I said went to the bed, not got in . . . never mind . . . .And Strife realized that not only had someone slept in his bed, but he was still there! "Wait a minute. I'm in Strife's bed? Ewwww!" "Look Unc, it's a nasty cadet with a dress on!" "It is NOT a dress!" "Let's blast him!" "Sounds like a plan to me." . . . . "Alltogether now, on the count of three-" . . . . . "Uh, Herc, can we have a little narration here?" Who me? The stupid narrator? "One-" "Herc!" Yes? "Two-" Did you want to tell me something Iolaus? "Okay, you're a great narrator. Really, I mean it!" That's more like it-- "Thr---" Whoa, hold it guys! Although the Three Bears wanted to blast Goldilocks, he, having lots of energy from his good meal and refreshing nap, managed to get away. "Curses!" "Ha ha!" "Oh, well, let's go out for dinner." The End. "Are you kidding, that's it?" "Iolaus is right, Herc. That was a pretty stupid fairy tale. I mean, what was the point?" The point was, Jason, that you're not supposed to break in to peoples' houses. "Why not? I got a good meal and a nap out of it." Iolaus! "Well, I did!" "Hey, Hercules, isn't Goldilocks supposed to get eaten by the bears or something?" "What? I don't think so!" Well, that would make it more of a moral ending, I guess. "Wait just a --!" "Hey, Ares, Discord, Strife, could you come back here for a minute?" "Herc! " Sorry, Iolaus, we've got to make sure we're sending the right message. "Okay, hold on. Now that I think about it, I feel really really bad that I broke in to the Three Bears' house!" You do? "Yeah, the guilt is unbearable." "It is?" "Yes and I promise I'll never ever do it again." Do you? "Absolutely." Okay, then I guess we don't have to make Ares blast you. "Rats." Ares, go away. "::grumble grumble grumble::" The End. "You already said that." Well, I meant it this time. "Kewl. Hey, who's up for raiding the kitchen?" "Shouldn't you change out of that dress first?" 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