{This story was written as a Halloween Joke! It is not to be taken seriously! It is also dedicated with lots of love and affection to my favorite Aunty Asty!!}
Iolaus’ cheek was pinched for the 20th time now, and Hercules, who was himself much in the same situation, could see that if something wasn’t done, Iolaus was going to do something he’d live to regret.
Hercules was not the only perceptive one in the room. Long years of knowing, and practically raising the blonde hunter had taught Alcemene a few things about his temper. Knowing that her two boys would not sit tight for much longer, she rushed to the rescue.
"Uh, Hercules, Iolaus, I seem to be running out of wine. Why don’t you two go bring me another keg? "
Both men jumped to their feet, and sending apologetic smiles everywhere, fought their way through miles of family members, to the relative safety of the outdoors.
Once they were secured in the safety of the barn, Iolaus exploded.
"If one more person calls me ‘sweetcheeks’, I’m gonna shove one of your mother’s tarts in their face!! Sweetcheeks, aw, please!!", he threw his hands in the air with frustration. "You’d think that after gods know how long, they’d come up with something new! And, that aunt of yours sure doesn’t look like Aphrodite!!"
Hercules found it very hard to keep a straight face, but tried just the same.
"And don’t you dare tell me they only want to be nice! If they were trying to be nice, they'd go pick on your cheeks!! I mean, what is it with relatives and cheeks, anyway??" Iolaus rambled on.
Hercules knew he couldn’t keep this up much longer, he was already giggling quietly.
"And Herc, just think about it! Half of those people are not even my family!! Is this some new trick of Hera?? Giving your mom the *wonderful* idea of celebrating our return with a big family reunion?? Or is she just trying to get rid of us?? Maybe she and Jason need more privacy, you think??"
That last one was too much for Hercules. He started laughing, completely oblivious to Iolaus’ glares.
"Yeah, well, I’m so glad you find that amusing, Herc! Wait until I turn you over to that big, fat woman your uncle married!"
"Which one??" Hercules managed between chuckles.
"You know, the one that thinks you were born to marry her long lost cousin. The one with the double chin and the cows!"
"No, I meant, which uncle!" Hercules laughed even harder.
Two days, 2000 moist pecks on the cheek, 20 near-explosion situations, and lots of stressed nerves later, Hercules and Iolaus tried to finally bid farewell to their extended families, and head out towards Corinth.
Once they were safely out of aunt-shot from Alcemene's house, Iolaus drew a deep relieved breath. "Thank the Gods for Iphicles!!"
Hercules chuckled. "Yeah, he must have felt guilty for abandoning us to the mercies of Aunt Hanna and her 3 daughters."
"How did that little weasel get to stay at Corinth instead of joining us, anyway??", Iolaus asked.
"Kingly Duties." Hercules did a mocking imitation of his twin brother. "The whole ‘My Kingdom depends on me’ speech."
"See!" Iolaus poked his finger in Hercules’ arm, "I told you to take that king job when Jason asked you! Then, I could be your prime minister, and we could have been sitting at the Castle, wallowing in luxury!"
"And in which mud puddle would you have us wallow this time, O’Mister Prime Minister??" Hercules teased.
Iolaus was about to rise to the bait, when a young woman came running from the woods, and stumbled right into his arms.
"Oh, sorry about that.", she offered, "I’m in a great hurry. I need to find Hercules."
Hercules shrugged.
"That would be him," Iolaus pointed at the big man next to him. "I’m Iolaus. And you are??"
"Melissa."
Iolaus stared at her with horror. "Are you a princess, by any chance?"
Melissa shook her head.
"Is your sister’s name, Alexa??"
Melissa looked at the chuckling Hercules, "Did he take a blow to the head lately?"
Iolaus wasn’t going to let that lie, "I did not! It’s just a really weird coincidence!"
"He had a hard couple of days, is all." Hercules explained. "Now, why were you looking for us?"
The head of the Great Aunt's Council paid her full attention to the boiling pot in front of her. The water cleared and revealed two men and a young woman, standing on the road to Corinth. The young woman was waving her arms frantically, trying to explain something to the two skeptical men.
"So, young Melissa, this is where you ran? To Hercules of all men? The great "Mister family", indeed!", she croaked.
She averted her attention back to the trio. "So, you’re bringing them here, eh? Good, good. Hercules will make a nice practice target to our Aunty skills, yes. And that young brat he’s traveling with sure needs to learn that Family comes first!"
She clapped her hands, summoning for her aunts-in-waiting. " You! Dust those giant dishes! Prepare more food! Gather the rest of the aunts! Tell them to practice their pinching, pecking, and embarrassing skills! We’re gonna have some house guests!!"
The three aunts-in-waiting bowed to the Head of the Great Aunts Council. "Yes, Mistress Asty," they said, and fled out.
"I don’t like it, Herc! I don’t like it one bit!" Iolaus protested as they walked into the village of Cereya. "This whole wicked council thing smells bad! Like she’s hiding something from us!"
Hercules halted and faced Iolaus. "So, what am I suppose to do? ‘Sorry, can’t help you, my buddy here doesn’t like the smell’?? She asked my help, Iolaus! I can’t turn it down!"
"Right, I forgot, you’re the big hero." Iolaus was agitated.
They continued to walk down the agora a few more minutes, when Iolaus suddenly turned Hercules toward him.
"Look, I’m sorry, Herc. I didn’t mean to sound mean, or anything. I just really wanted a vacation from that vacation, you know? Just, forget I even said those things."
"What things?", Hercules smiled.
Just then, Melissa waved at them, and signaled them to follow her. She led them to a shaky little house, which seemed to be lacking a bit on the "Keep the elements out" section. "Here we are. This where I live, come on inside. I want you to meet my aunt!"
Iolaus had enough. "Uh, Herc," he tapped nervously on his friend’s shoulder, "I know she means well, but, I -uh, I don’t think I can handle one more aunt. I’ll just be nasty again. I’m feeling a bit cranky, maybe it will be better if I disappear for a while and meet you back here later. Say, after I've soaked my head in a big pool of cold water?" Without waiting for his friend’s approval, he hurried off. "I’ll meet you here again in 2 hours!"
Hercules watched his friend running, and shrugged at Melissa. "He’s feeling a bit crowded."
The Son of Zeus followed Melissa into the house. There, an old woman sat at the table.
"Aunt Egesta! This is Hercules. He said he’d help us. Hercules, that’s my aunt Egesta." Melissa introduced them.
The old woman spoke then, and Hercules found himself drawn to her. She wasn’t the tiresome old croon he expected. Instead, he found a nice lady, who'd known better days.
"So, you’re Hercules?," she began. "In all my life, never have I expected to meet a god, or a hero. Now, I see I have met both."
Hercules shifted a bit, "I, uh, I am only half god, ma’am. But, don’t hold that against me."
"Don’t worry, Hercules. In my long years, I have learned that the Gods are not as superior as they’d like us to think. I didn’t make them, they didn’t make me, and we get along just fine!" she smiled reassuringly. "Did Melissa tell you what exactly was the problem?"
"Uh, no. Not really."
"Left it to me, eh? Today’s youth.", she sighed. "Well, I’m sure you had your share of annoying relatives over the years, young men, " she ignored Hercules’ Humph, and went on, "A few years ago, Hera put a curse on our village. Nobody knows exactly why. Rumor has it, that she got ‘pissed’, because only the old women served in her temple."
"What did she do?", Hercules asked, expecting another old trick of his step-monster.
"She formed a union. Of all the Great Aunts. They all left the village, and took over a deserted castle a few miles from here. From there, they use all of their old-aunties-tricks to terrorize our village. It feels like a never ending family feast, only all of your relatives are annoying."
"And I am supposed to—"
"Show them the error of their ways."
"Oh.", Hercules wasn’t sure if he was going to regret doing this. He had a strong feeling that that would be the case. "So, let me get this straight ; There’s a union, of all the aunts in the village, and they terrorize you??"
"You got it, big guy!", an evil voice boomed behind them, and all three turned to see Great Aunt Asty standing in the doorway. "See, the only catch is, that we are guided by Hera, and you, young men, don’t stand a chance. Get them!!"
Hercules and Melissa were helpless against the horde of Great Aunts that invaded the house. A piece of chicken soup soaked cloth was held against Hercules’ nose, and he was out in seconds. Melissa was brought down by a shower of questions, which took her off balance immediately.
When the two were bundled up for the ride, Asty turned to Egesta. "So, you thought you could cheat us again, huh? Well, nobody quits the union, and lives happily ever after! Watch your back, sister Aunt!"
And with that, the Great Aunts disappeared, carrying with them their precious load.
Iolaus downed his ale, and flagged the barkeeper down for a re-fill. Then, he gulped some of it down, and turned back to the maiden.
"You noticed, how all them aunts work the same??", he mused, half drunk, "It’s like there’s a big council of them. And they all share tricks on how to torture their poor relatives!"
The girl stared at him. "But, Sir, there is!"
"What is??"
"The Great Aunts Council. It’s led by The Great Aunt Asty, and they terrorize our village! That’s why Melissa went to find Hercules, and his little friend, oh, what’s his name?!"
"Iolaus."
"Who?"
"What’s his name. Hercules’ little friend. It’s Iolaus."
"Whatever!"
Iolaus gulped down some more ale. "Wait a minute!! So, there really is a council?? That’s why you called us here?" The drunkenness faded quickly away. "That means, I left Herc with an aunt...and Melissa too! I better go save them!"
He started to rise, and his gaze fell on the pretty girl he’d been talking to. "I shouldn’t. Yes, I should!", he decided. He grabbed the girl’s waist, and dipped her to a long kiss.
"Still think it’s Hercules’ little friend??" He giggled as he ran out of the tavern.
Iolaus ran through the streets, until he reached Melissa’s house. He looked around, and when he saw no one, he burst inside. "Hercules!! Melissa!! WHOA!!!", he screamed, when he saw the old lady sitting at the table.
"Wait! You’re not one of those Great Woman, Aunts persons, are you??", he demanded.
"No, I’m not. I’m Egesta, Melissa’s aunt. You must be Iolaus, the friend Hercules is traveling with."
Iolaus stood there and boiled for a minutes. Somehow, the kiss treatment didn’t seem like a good idea here. "Uh, yes, that’s me."
"Good," she stood up and headed for the door. "What are you waiting for, then?"
"Uh, nothing.", he ran to catch up with her. "You know, for an old lady, you sure walk fast!"
"I’ll take that as a compliment, young man."
He smiled sheepishly. "We are going to rescue Herc and Melissa, aren’t we?"
"I don’t know about you, lad, but I sure am!! That Asty and I have an old bill to settle!"
The two continued their walk, and Egesta used the time to fill Iolaus in on all the details he'd missed.
Finally, they reached the Great Aunts’ Castle, and after a short discussion, they decided to sneak inside and rescue their friends. It took some getting used to, Iolaus admitted to himself as he crawled through the yard of the Castle, but Egesta was just as skillful as he was, and was slowed down only by her age.
After a few minutes of crawling through the mud, that is, Iolaus crawled, Egesta insisted that it wasn’t dignified for a woman her age to crawl, they reached the gates. From there on, Egesta took the lead, explaining to Iolaus that she had been there before.
They wandered through the halls, and just when Iolaus was about to loose his control over his temper, Egesta shooshed him. "Hush, Iolaus! We are just above the great hall. This is where the Great Aunts gather to torture their victims, and trade tricks. There’s a balcony right around the corner. We can look from there."
They silently advanced towards the balcony, and peeked over the ledge. The site below made Iolaus’ eyes widen with horror. "We have to get him out of there! No one deserves that! Not even Strife!"
Egesta hushed him again. "Iolaus, I’m trying to see if they are all here, and where is Melissa!"
Iolaus declined to agree. He peeked again, and mustered all his will power to avoid storming the hall below.
Hercules was chained to a big chair in the middle of the room. A huge plate of food was placed before him, and a few Great Aunts were pushing the food down his throat, despite his obvious reluctance. Other Great Aunts hovered around him, showering him with questions. "Why are you never home? You should visit your mother more often, young man! Why are you not married? Settled down? A man your age should consider those things! You can’t spend life skipping around in leather pants!! Isn’t your mother feeding you? Your legs are awfully skinny!!" They went on and on, sending shivers down Hercules’ spine. The horror in his eyes was obvious, and clear even to Iolaus, who was standing high above the scene.
Controlling the Aunts, was Great Aunt Asty. Sitting on her XXL throne, and grinning wickedly, she was the essence of Auntyness!
Egesta tapped his shoulder, and Iolaus nearly jumped out of his skin. "OK, lad, Melissa isn’t there, so I guess they’re taking turns with them."
"Do you know where they’d keep her?"
"I have a pretty good guess."
Iolaus glanced at his best friend. "Let’s go. Hercules can handle himself for a few more minutes, though, not much longer!"
They hurried down the corridors, further and further down. Finally, Egesta stopped in front of a big, pink door. "She’s probably in here."
Iolaus leaned against the door, and could hear someone cursing quietly. He drew out his knife, and started picking the lock. Minutes later, the lock gave in, and Iolaus and Egesta burst in the room.
Iolaus froze in his place. "Oh, yuck!", he exclaimed. "Who did they get to decorate this place? Salmoneus??" The large room looked like it was wearing a tasteless dress of Pink lace. Everything had pink things on it, from the mirror, to the pink bunny slippers near the bed. Ugly Satyrs statues stood in the corners, and pink lacy curtains draped the windows.
Egesta swiftly moved to release her niece from the bonds which held her captive.
"Tha—", Melissa started, but was cut short by Egesta’s firm hand on her mouth.
"Not now, Melissa! We still have to get Hercules!" she explained.
"Egesta, you take Melissa out of here, I’ll get Herc, and we’ll meet in back at the gates.", and he ran off in the direction of the great hall.
He reached it just when Aunt Asty herself was beginning to pull her Aunty tricks on Hercules. Hercules was pale with horror, and to Iolaus it seemed that he was right on the verge of loosing his mind.
"Think you can mess with us, huh??", he called, and dove head first to the pile of Aunts around Hercules.
It took a while, and a lot of effort on Iolaus’ side, but he finally managed to clear a bit of space around Hercules. He drew out his dagger, and cut the ropes holding him. The demigod didn’t so much as move a muscle.
Iolaus heard a wicked laugh from behind him. "He is in a state of shock, *sweetcheeks*. It’ll wear off...eventually.", he heard Asty gloat.
She advanced towards him, a spoonful of soup in her right hand, and a disgustingly sweet tart in her left. Iolaus discovered that he couldn’t move his legs. All his senses screamed for him to run, but he couldn’t.
"Uh, Herc, are you planning on coming to anytime soon? Like now!", he mumbled.
Asty continued her advancement, a wicked grin on her lips. Iolaus was still frozen.
She came closer, and closer, and closer. Just when he was sure she got him, he heard a war cry.
"Xena???" Asty exclaimed.
"You should be so lucky!!", Egesta called from behind her.
"How did you get there, union quitter??" Asty roared.
Egesta’ grin matched Asty’s for a brief second. Then, it was gone. Using her staff, she turned the big pot of boiling soup, which stood in the corner, over.
Asty watched the liquid flowing towards her. "NO!! No!! What have you done!! No!!!", she screamed, as the soup reached her, and she melted into a bubbling pool.
Iolaus started at the display, not sure if he was dreaming, hallucinating, or plainly loosing his mind. Then, he heard Hercules moan softly, and flew to him.
"Iolaus? Where am I?? What happened??" the confused demigod asked.
"Herc, buddy, you really don’t want to know! How do you feel??"
Hercules thought about it for a minute. "My head throbs, and my mouth is full of this awful taste, but other than that, I’m fine.", he surveyed the room. "What happened here?"
"Egesta here and me had to dismantle a bunch of Great Aunts and save you and Melissa. Nothing fancy."
Egesta wiped her head on her apron, and started walking out. "Come on you two, let’s get out of here."
A few days, Hercules was feeling fit for travel. He still didn’t remember all the events after he went inside Egesta’s house. He had a few flash backs, though, and the sheer horror on his face after those, told Iolaus that reminding him might not be appreciated.
Just before they left, Iolaus’ curiosity got the better of him. "Egesta, I have to know. How come you could handle yourself against those," he looked around to make sure Hercules wasn’t listening, " Great Aunts??"
She laughed. "I was an amazon in my youth. I left them because I decided I wanted better than raiding villages and wearing short leather skirts. And then I moved here with my sister. Melissa was born a little later, and I practically raised her. I have not been an "official" amazon for many years now, but the spirit is still alive inside me."
"That explains it, " Iolaus agreed, "and the war cry too. I thought Xena was the only one who could do that. I’m impressed." He smiled. "Thank you, Egesta. I couldn’t have made it without you!"
"I know." She grinned at him.
"So, what are you going to do with all those Aunts now??", he asked.
"Well, after Asty melted, they suddenly saw the error of their ways, and decided to go for rehabilitation."
Hercules poked his head through the door. "Time to go, Iolaus."
The two heroes said their good-byes, and after promising to come again, headed back to the road.
"So, Herc, where to now??"
Hercules stopped to think. "Well, I’m thinking that we should stop in Corinth and grab Iphicles, spend there a couple of days, and head back home with my precious brother."
Iolaus stared at him. "Back home?? Herc, are you sure?? I mean, everyone will still be there!!"
Hercules frowned. "I know, but suddenly, I’m getting those feelings like Aunt Hanna and her three daughters are not that bad!!"
This time, it was Iolaus’ turn to double over in laughter.
Disclaimer : Aunt Asty was not harmed in the making of this Halloween Story, and will probably live happily ever after, terrorizing this little Iolausian.
The End.
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