Author's Note: The story is set immediately after the end of Season 5, and before the start of Season 6. And it is my way of dealing with the outrageous way the writers played with our heroes characters in the last season. I was brave and re-watched a Season 6 episode again a while back and it made my skin crawl.
Whilst Michael gives some really fine performances, the character of Iolaus is totally lost. For that matter so is the character of Hercules - if I'd started with these eps I would veery quickly have learnt to hate that particular incarnation of the demigod. So ... being a writer of sorts ... I decided to see if I could fix it so that I could understand what was happening with them.
Let me know if you think I succeeded or failed:)
Death was a new beginning - that's what he knew. Death was a terrible tearing apart - he knew that too. And now he also knew that with the tearing apart came a price. It didn't matter that it had been undone - again. It didn't matter that he was breathing, living, being again. The pain still lived, the pain still filled the silence between them.
How could you return from death and expect everything to remain as it had been? It was impossible, and Iolaus knew it; he was just really good at denying it. He had died for the umpteenth time and he had been miraculously resurrected for the umpteenth time. He and Hercules had done their celebrating and now it was time for them to return to their old lives - but they couldn't. Not this time.
Hercules had lines on his face that hadn't been there before, he was silent and thoughtful where once he'd laughed and joked. There was an air of tragedy that followed him and Iolaus knew that it was because of him. But what could he do? How could he get Hercules to return to his old self?
He joked, he danced, he sang off-key, he did all the things he was known to do. But nothing worked; Hercules was silent and sad. The demigod still waited for the other shoe to drop. He wouldn't laugh at Iolaus' jokes; he wouldn't rise to the bait for a good argument. Iolaus despaired; he didn't know where he should turn next. He should be rejoicing at his narrow escape, instead he was worrying at Hercules' reaction, Hercules' fall into despair.
It was difficult to watch Iolaus as he capered ahead on the path; the image of his empty body, lying cold and dead on the plinth awaiting interment kept getting in the way. It was difficult to hear him giggling without hearing Dahak's inflection underneath. Hercules knew that he was wasting the precious time he had been given to share with Iolaus, he knew that what he was doing was wrong but he couldn't change how he felt. The demigod watched his best friend and sighed. He couldn't go through that pain again and he didn't know how to cope with this new chance they'd been given; he couldn't just act like nothing had changed.
Everything had changed. Iolaus slept fitfully now; Hercules lay awake and listened to the hunter's nightmares knowing that he couldn't intervene, knowing that he wouldn't speak of them. He watched his long time partner and friend as he hid behind his joviality and felt a helpless pain.
Both men were deeply scarred by all that had happened and neither one knew how to heal the other. They both saw pain on their brother's face, they both felt pain at their inability to act. Guilt lay big between them. Their friendship faced a bigger test than it had ever faced before. It was tested by death, it was tested by guilt, it was tested by shame and pain, and it was tested by a return that they had both wanted so badly but that really should never have happened. How could they ever return to their old lives?
"You're not supposed to grieve for a person more than once. You're supposed to grieve and move on, get through the days until the pain fades and becomes something you can manage. But with Iolaus ... I felt the pain rage in me and I acted; each time I fought to bring him back to me, until a time came when he couldn't come back. I thought that I'd lost him forever, I began to grieve, I felt the pain of separation, and I learned to move on. I found new friends - none of them could ever replace Iolaus, they didn't try - but now ... now he's back with me. He's come home, and I don't know how to act around him any more. It feels so strange.
"Part of me's scared he'll be taken away again and I'll have to go through all that pain and loneliness again, part of me's scared to love him anymore. He's different now; I guess dying does that to a person. He was a Guardian of the Light father! How can I talk to him now? Father? I wish for this one time you'd answer me, be a father to me. It's what I need from you right now."
But there was nothing and Hercules sat slumped on the log wishing that this new pain would go away. He should be rejoicing at his buddy's return. He had - for a while. But now reality had set in. The man that walked beside him had also walked in a realm no man can see before he dies, and very few even then; not even Hercules had been there, except for his brief meeting with Michael.
It was ironic really, they had both died and been given another chance. Michael had couched his reward in terms of punishment for Iolaus; he hadn't fooled either man. What he had given them was a gift beyond compare; he had given them another chance at life together, another chance to fight for what they believed in. But it wasn't so easy. Hercules didn't want Iolaus fighting anything, not even a cold. He was being over-protective and he knew it. Iolaus didn't seem to mind; he was feeling fragile these days.
And what of the Guardian business? Hercules hadn't asked, Iolaus hadn't offered. That was another thing for them to be silent about. It was somehow disturbing to Hercules that Iolaus had this special thing; he was no longer 'mere mortal', he was a Guardian of the Light, he was marked as special. Hercules suspected that he might be a little jealous of the hunter's new role. It was silly but ... still he felt oddly about the whole thing, uncomfortable.
"Michael? I wish you were here to answer me, tell me how to deal with this. I was dead, not just for a few hours like before, but for days and weeks and months. I was used by Dahak, I was rewarded by the Light, I even became a Guardian for the Light's sake! How can I go back to before? How can I be me again? It's all I want. I want it so much that I'd rather play the fool these days than be the smart heroic type - it's easier to let Hercules do the thinking, it's easier to let him protect me.
"But then I see him looking so sad and my heart breaks. I could never have gone through the pain he went through and survived; it would have killed me if it had been him that died instead of me. He's stronger than me, in more ways than he inherited from Zeus. But now he doesn't know how to act round me, he thinks I'll break if he breathes on me. He's scared of how he'll react if he lets himself love me again and I die. It could happen - I'm only a mortal after all!"
Iolaus gave a bitter laugh, "Perhaps you shouldn't have punished me Michael. Maybe it would be better for everyone if I'd just stayed dead. It would have been less painful at least."
But Iolaus didn't really mean that. His love of life without fearing death was what made him so special. But the confusion and pain that both men felt was consuming them, stopping them from moving on. Zeus and Michael both heard but they both decided that this was something in which they should not interfere. Hercules and Iolaus were strong because they had always relied on each other; they had never relied on the Gods for guidance or help. It wasn't time to start now.
Iolaus woke shivering. He couldn't remember the dream but the fear was still filling his throat, making his heart race. He tried to calm his breathing, tried to stop the shaking. He hoped that he hadn't woken Hercules.
But Hercules was listening as he always did. This time though, he didn't just turn over and pretend he hadn't noticed.
"Iolaus? Are you all right?" Hercules made his way to crouch beside his still shivering companion.
Iolaus laughed, "All right? Do I look all right? Yeah, I 'will be', just give me a minute."
Hercules put a hand gently on his friend's back and let it rest there, knowing that this simple contact would help.
A few minutes later Iolaus took a deep breath and grinned up at the demigod. "OK Herc. I'm fine now. You want me to talk about it don't you."
Responding to the serious nod he got in reply, Iolaus pulled himself nearer to the remnants of the fire and tugging at some grass said, "We should have done this before shouldn't we?" He didn't look to see Hercules nod again, "Yep. Should have. I should know better now, Guardians are supposed to be good at sorting out emotional troubles."
Hercules didn't quite know what to say, looking at Iolaus now he decided that it would be better to just let his friend talk. So he settled himself down next to Iolaus and they both stared into the glowing embers. Iolaus found some sticks to throw onto the fire and flames were soon licking away at the dry wood. The hunter kept the last stick and started absently peeling bark off of it with his fingers as he spoke.
"This is so weird. I got used to being in The Light I guess, and now that I'm back I'm having to deal with stuff I somehow avoided there. All the Dahak stuff. And ... and ... well just being alive again, it feels so good. I feel like I just want to eat, and go to festivals, and just - enjoy. Maybe I just want to cram in as much life as I can before I ... before it's time to go back again."
Iolaus sensed Hercules stiffen, and sighed, "There you go again Herc. I'm going to die one day, permanently, terminally. One day I'm going to leave you and you won't be able to strike a bargain with a God, and I won't be able to find a way home. We're going to have to deal with that. I'm mortal Herc, mortals die."
Iolaus put a tentative hand out to touch the silent demigod, "And it won't be your fault Hercules. If I die, just as with every time I died before, it will be my responsibility and mine alone. You can't do anything about that, you can't stop me from being me. You couldn't have stopped me trying to save Nebula from that knife, and you couldn't have stopped me from trying to protect you from the Enforcer. Herc, I'll go when I go. Maybe you'll be first. Maybe something will happen to you and I'll be the one trying to go on alone. Now that would be a punishment."
Iolaus took a deep shuddering breath, "Gods Herc. All this talking! Look, all I want is for us to be partners again; I want to have some fun! Can we please just forget about mortality, and grief, and get on with living?"
Hercules gripped Iolaus' smaller hand tightly in his own for a moment, "Yes, I think we should do that. It's so good to have you back with me, and all I've been able to do is fear losing you again. I should be grateful, I should learn from you and enjoy it!"
"OK, Herc, here's the deal. You can be your usual heroic self all you like, and I'll come along for the ride. But that's it for now, OK. I just want to cruise for a while, I don't want to do any deep thinking, I don't want to think or talk about The Light, or being a Guardian or any of that stuff. I'm alive! I'm back! And I want to enjoy everything that means! OK?"
The two men grinned at each other, "OK." was the reply and laughing they sealed the bargain with a warriors handshake.
For the next several months the two heroes travelled to far and distant lands fighting for what was right, ridding the world of demons. Iolaus ate everything he could, he flirted outrageously with every girl he met, he was happy to let Hercules do all the thinking and make all the decisions. He was along for the ride, and it felt so good.
Eventually they would find their old rhythm, eventually Iolaus would want to take control of his life again, but for now they were content. And if a stranger were to see the pair and wonder at their strange relationship; see Hercules treating Iolaus with no respect, see Iolaus only showing interest in his silly jokes and outrageous flirting. Well they couldn't see into either man's heart, they couldn't know that this was how both men were dealing with their emotions. Hercules with his fear and jealousy, Iolaus with his disorientation at being alive again. It may not be the right way but it was their way and that was enough for them both.
When Hercules was ready to forgive himself for his fear and envy, when Iolaus was ready to take on his responsibilities again, then they would go back to their old ways, for now there was too much fun to be had.
The End
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