I'm not very good at this, so you're going to have to bear with me. My girls insisted on my writing it all down but I don't know where or how to start and I don't know where or how to finish. I'm really not very good at this, the muses never smiled down on me and I'm gonna make them hate me by doing this, but they're my daughters, (not the muses. Gods!) The muses hate me; my daughters are making me do this. My girls, there are three of 'em, and they' re at that age. Heck, they've always been at that age - the one where I'm wrapped around their little fingers. 'Daddy, oh puhlease daddy, pretty please with knobs on' and they know I'm putty. Magdria says I'm a martyr to them and she's probably right, but they're my girls and I'm proud of them and they deserve the best.
Anyway, it's their fault that I'm sitting here sucking on this feather and trying to tell you what happened in our village last week. I don't want you to get all excited thinking that this is going to be a big thrilling adventure or something, the way the girls are going on you'd be forgiven for thinking that Zeus himself came to our house to visit. He didn't, but it was pretty amazing all the same - even I'll admit that much. Excuse me a second ..
Sorry, 'bout that. Had to have a quiet word with the girls, they were so full of 'say this daddy' 'say that daddy' 'don't forget to mention this daddy' 'don't miss out that part daddy - it was the best!' that I was about to explode. Sometimes I can stand up to them you know, it's a rare thing but I do have some say in my own house. All I had to do was say that if they didn't go find something useful to do in the next thirty seconds they'd have to write their precious story themselves because with all the noise they were making with their chatter they could have drowned out Zeus' thunderbolts and I couldn't concentrate. I didn't yell, well not really, not so's you'd notice, although I'm getting dagger-filled looks at the moment. Enough to make most grown men beg, but I won't give in this time.
I told you that I'm not very good at this, I've been writing for half an hour now and I haven't even started yet. You don't know anything about what happened, you don't know where I live, or who was involved, all you know is that I'm no bard but that I am a downtrodden husband and father, and a supreme babbler. Right, get on with it man.
Like I said, I want to tell you about what happened here last week. By here I mean the village we live in, I'm called Hephaestus (yeah, yeah, I know. Believe me I know) I'm the local blacksmith as my father was before me - hence the name. But I'm not that good and having his name makes me think I' ve got to pray all the more often to the god Hephaestus so as not to offend him by my very existence. I'm still here so I guess he's not too put out, actually . but I'm getting ahead of myself. See I knew this should have been left to someone who knew what they were doing.
It all started with the . um, well no actually that came later. Let me see, I suppose it all started with the quarrel. I know now that it wasn't actually a real quarrel it's just the way they are together, but it sure sounded like it to us. (Me and the youngest of my girls, Sophia) We couldn't see who was making all the noise, they were walking up the lane, and we were in our garden on the other side of a tall hedge. But it was two men and one of them was whining. When I think of it now it seems so amazing that this man of all men could actually whine, but I heard it with my own ears and so did Sophia. With her ears, not mine. Oh how did they talk me into this? Words are too full of traps; I'll never make myself understood.
"But you don't have a soggy pair of leather pants dripping down your legs and sticking to bits of your anatomy. You have no idea how uncomfortable I am." The whiner said this with a real woe-is-me-nobody-has-it-as-bad-as-I-do pout in his voice. I recognise it well; I've got three teenaged daughters after all.
The other man replied, sounding more than a little bit angry, "Oh no of course not. I've never been covered in wet sticky mud running for my life from some very angry bandits - who by the way never broke my arm - and I never had to fight off any of those non-existent bandits alongside my memorably unsympathetic so-called friend, so of course I have no idea how you're feeling."
Well, something to that effect anyway. I'm pretty good with remembering stuff like that - useless bits and unnecessary pieces my wife always says - so I'd say I've got it pretty accurate. Anyway, the whiner replied, "I suppose, but you had Brianna to cheer you up."
There was a little noise then, a kind of snort-cum-sigh, as if the other guy was deriding the comment at the same time as being reminded of something lovely - Brianna I'd guess. Then he said something that made Sophia go totally weak at the knees and lose the few brain cells she'd gathered over the years - you know how a young teenager will get with a bit of hero-worship.
"And who is to say that this village won't produce a dozen women just as lovely as Brianna to make you feel all better, Herc?"
At this point Sophia was bouncing up and down in excitement, eyes popping in a very unladylike manner, mouthing 'it's Hercules, it's Hercules' to me, and on the verge of hyperventilating. I tried to look severe, and succeeded for all of half a second, before I rolled my eyes. This was her signal to rush off to find her sisters and then to accost the famous visitor en-masse. They 're harmless my girls, but like an over-excited dog they can be a bit frightening if you don't know them. I wasn't there to see how Hercules reacted, but Iolaus told me later that he would have liked to have been able to sell tickets. The son of Zeus was totally flustered, and, according to Iolaus, he had to step in and take over the introductions. This is only an opinion mind, but I get the impression that Iolaus is a bit too cocksure, especially around my girls. He's a good lad, but I don't like to let him around my girls without me or Magdria around.
The girls quickly dragged the bemused demigod and the willing (too willing in my view) Iolaus back to our house. It's the biggest house in the village, and a damn fine one, though I do say so myself - I think I'm allowed, it took a lot of blood, sweat and tears to build that house and most of them were mine. I suppose you're wondering why the visitors were brought here instead of to the Inn or Tavern or whatever, well that's just it, we don't have one. It's a bit of a bugbear to be honest. It's a lovely thriving little village we have and there's good trade to be had but there'd be much better trade if we still had an Inn. The last one burnt down and the idiots that call themselves the 'council' won't build another as they feel it was a message from the gods! Foolhardy, pompous, stupid.. Sorry. I can't help but see red every time I think on it, and it's not good for me I know.
So, anyway, that's why most visitors end up at our home these days, Magdria loves to cook for them and the girls love to fuss over them (especially the soldiers and I should really put my foot down over that - they're getting to a dangerous age now) and I'll admit it makes a pleasant change to have company to talk to over a nice mug of ale, it gets a bit lonely being the only man in a large household, I enjoy getting a bit of sensible conversation for a change. Not that Magdria can't hold a sensible conversation but it's not the same, we usually end up talking about who's done what to whom(like I care), and I just can't get her to see the pleasures of discussing battle stratagems and whether General so-and-so would have fared better than General what's-his-name at the battle of where-ever.
I'll give them that, road weary and dirty as they were, and wet through as Hercules was, they were both politeness itself with all of us. Gracious in praise of my wife's skills as cook and hostess, complimentary on the bathing facilities and the soft beds, and best of all (as far as I'm concerned) more than willing to sit up with a not very good blacksmith and talk men talk with him till all hours.
The next morning the girls were running around in circles, torn between rushing off to tell all their friends, enemies and complete strangers that Hercules, yes they meant 'the' Hercules, was staying at their house and they 'd actually touched his leather pants 'cause they'd had to wash them this morning, and they brought him breakfast in bed. (Insisted on it poor man) In the end their decision was made for them when Iolaus came in from outside, he'd offered to cut me some wood in payment for the food and board, (actually Hercules had offered, but Iolaus had started on it as Hercules had to stay in bed and pretend to eat his breakfast until the girls would leave him alone so he could get dressed. Which he couldn't until his pants had dried out, he's a very shy man that Hercules. I've never met anyone quite as shy as him.) What was I saying?
Oh, right. Iolaus came indoors and seeing the general mayhem winked at my wife, rolled his eyes at me in sympathy and suggested that the girls show him round the village. I exchanged a worried glance with Magdria, well I have to be honest, I was worried but she didn't seem in the slightest bit perturbed which bothered me in ways I don't understand. She's normally so suspicious of strange men. But as she'd given her okay I could hardly come the nasty daddy and put my foot down could I? Do you see what I have to put up with? I sometimes wish just one of those girls had been a boy, but I know I don't really mean it; I could never wish away one of my princesses.
So the girls took Iolaus off to show him the highlights of the village, I could hear them all giggling and fawning over him as they entered the lane and I suppose I must have bristled a bit because Magdria gave me a look. One of her patented Magdria looks that she reserves for her loving but sometimes stupid husband. In the end she relented a bit, she knows that I can't help worrying. "He's a good man, Heph. The girl's will be safe with him."
I grumbled a bit, I remember what I would have been like around three such fine young things, but my wife is a wise woman and she's usually right so I said nothing.
Not long after that Hercules came down carrying his finished breakfast things and wearing his now clean and dry leather pants. Amazing things those pants, all woven and beautifully crafted - and heavy! I nearly put my back out just lifting them out of the wash bowl. Just underlines how strong the man is. It was strange sitting there in the kitchen, a hot mug of tea in my hands, sunlight shafting through the open window; I could hear birds singing in the garden and there stood Hercules, son of Zeus, strength of ten men, in our kitchen, large as life and twice as soft. Sounds strange I know, but he is soft, he was so considerate and gentle with the girls and with Magdria, and so shy. I overheard Magdria call him sweet under her breath and I have to agree. For a hero type that goes around killing monsters and fighting in some pretty bloodthirsty battles he's a very - yes - sweet man.
I think that the second he comes up against an injustice or danger to people then we'd soon see a different side of him, but what we saw would make any mother proud. He asked where Iolaus was and grinned when he was told. And that more than anything put my mind at rest, if this man felt my girls were safe with his friend then I would trust that they were safe. Perhaps Iolaus is one of those rare men who knows when it's okay to play and when it's not.
I had to get to the forge and Hercules promised that he and Iolaus would visit me later on, and perhaps help out a little. I brightened at that, I so rarely get any company in the heat of the forge and never get any help other than the boys I pay to work the bellows, and they're no company at all. In the meantime Magdria offered to show him the garden which he'd been admiring through the window; he'd spotted the huge amphora that she had strategically placed in a slightly overgrown corner and thought it particularly beautiful. Magdria positively glowed, not many people understand that such things can be used for their aesthetic qualities and not just their practical uses. I was one of those that couldn't but she won me over and now that it has aged a little and the edges between it and the plants aren't so defined it looks like it always belonged there, and it is beautiful.
So, I left them to the garden and the twittering birds for a long hard day in the hot and stuffy forge. I had a lot on that day so I couldn't give myself a day off. I wouldn't normally even think of it, although I was sorely tempted, it was such a beautiful spring day and our visitors were the kind of visitors you don't want to waste. Anyway, Magdria tells me that she spent a pleasant morning in the garden with Hercules talking about flowers and such. Apparently his mother kept a lovely little garden and he always takes pleasure in them himself. Magdria said that he got quite melancholy when he came across the roses, they had been his mother's favourites. A son that loves his mother that deeply, another reason to like the man.
The girls should write their own little tale of their travels around the village with Iolaus; they certainly had enough to say about it. From what I could gather amongst all the giggling and chatter they had a good time showing him off to their friends, and Iolaus enjoyed the attention, flirting but seeming to remain behind the bounds of decency. Poor man, I shouldn't be so hard on him, always expecting the worst from him. He's a good man, everyone who knows about these things tells me so, and my own eyes tell me so too. But I'm a father and Iolaus will understand my excessive care I'm sure.
I had been working hard at the forge; I had an order of carving knives to finish for a nearby village - one that still has its Inn - and a recent order for bars to make a new cell for the prison at Treaga. There's only one cell there at the moment and it's usually occupied by the town drunk, they' ve given up on trying to dry him out now they're just building a new cell so he can live in the other one. Madness! But who am I to question them, they' re paying good money and this is a big order for me, it'll keep us going in the winter if it gets bad again.
It was mid-afternoon and my skin was steaming with the heat, I'd just finished the last knife and was taken up with clouting the latest boy round the ears for not keeping the bellows going steady enough so I didn't notice that we had company until Iolaus grabbed hold of the bellows and said to the boy, "Here, we'll show you what Hephaestus means."
Hercules had picked up one of my discards and was waiting for Iolaus to get the fire to the right temperature. Iolaus worked those bellows like I'd never seen before, with rhythm and grace and an amazing feel for the fire and the metal. The boy and I just stood back and watched. I've never seen teamwork like it, both men working in tandem with an ease and knowledge of each other than made me feel envious I can tell you. They didn't need to shout instructions at each other, each knew what the other needed and both acted without question. It was like watching one of those plays that the women in my life like to drag me to. I don't understand the plays but everyone has a place to be and a thing to do and they all do it smoothly, without fuss, and their movements make a beautiful thing to see. But this was even more beautiful because I did understand it, I knew everything that they did and I knew its purpose.
They both got hot quickly and Iolaus shrugged off his vest even as he made sure that the bellows still pumped away, never letting the fire cool. I tore my eyes away from them to glance at the boy and what I saw made me smile, perhaps there was some hope for this one after all. His eyes were everywhere, trying to see it all at once, watching how Hercules laid the metal in the fire and pulled it back out at just the right moment, watching how he wielded the tools, and watching how Iolaus found an easy rhythm to puffing the bellows, ensuring that enough air got through to feed the flames and that the feed was constant while it was needed.
Finally, Hercules stepped back and plunged what had once been a discarded carving knife into the bucket of water, the boy strained to see through the cloud of steam the hissing water had produced, and I'll admit that I was quite keen to find out how he'd done too. It wasn't anything that spectacular but he'd made quite a nice little blade there. Being careful to ensure that it was cool enough Hercules handed it to the boy who held it as if it were gold-dust, awe shining out of his face. I thumped him on the back and reminded him of his duty and he said a gruff thank you, I don't think he could quite trust his voice and I was feeling a bit gruff myself. Now this was the kind of hero I could admire. Any idiot can rush into a fight with no regard for his own safety but not many can put that expression on a boy's face. I think that Hercules and Iolaus had just changed that child's life forever. He's been better at his work ever since, and I know it's early days but he really seems to be a lot more interested in it now, like they'd found the key to unlock his ambition and now all he wants is to be the best blacksmith he can be. Zeus above, maybe I've finally found an apprentice.
Hercules wiped the back of his hand over his brow, which was now sweaty and smutty from the soot. It's an interesting thing to see for yourself that the son of a god still gets too hot and still gets dirty. Somehow in all the tales they forget to tell you that he's human. It's all frills and rosy fingers of dawn and no substance. I'd never have recognised Hercules from the tales the bards tell. Iolaus either, he's nothing like the 'young charioteer nephew' I heard tell of. If only those bards could have seen him now, he was shaking his head like a wet dog trying to get some of the moisture from his hair, which was dripping with sweat. It's a good thing none of the girls were there to see. When he was done he grinned across at me and said, "What's next?"
"Before you do anything else hadn't you better do something about that ribbon?" Hercules pointed to Iolaus' right arm and I spotted a brightly coloured length of ribbon that had been wrapped around his gauntlet and tied with a bow.
"Aw no, it'll be filthy already." Iolaus struggled to untie the ribbon without getting it any dirtier. In the end I offered to untie it for him and raised a questioning eyebrow, "Pretty ribbon." I said.
Iolaus grinned, "Those daughters of yours insisted on buying it for me, they said it was like a sign of friendship or something."
I laughed, I had to. Poor Iolaus, what had I been worried about, he was as much putty in those girl's hands as I was. "I think they just want to mark you as their property while you're here Iolaus. You know, 'hands off he's mine'"
Now Hercules laughed and Iolaus frowned for a moment before giving a brilliantly sunny smile and chuckling himself. "Well there are worse fates my friend."
He carefully wound the ribbon around his fingers and laid the loop on top of his vest which he'd folded and put on a shelf next to my jerkin and Hercules ' own shirt, out of the way of the smoking fire.
The four of us worked together for the rest of the afternoon and I've never spent such an enjoyable time at the forge. They told us stories of their adventures and had the boy laughing so hard at times that he couldn't work. Iolaus took care to show him how to hold the bellows and how to work them with the most efficiency, 'less effort, better results' he said and proved it.
"So, are we ever going to find out why you were sopping wet when you walked into my home Hercules?" I finally felt comfortable enough around these living legends to ask the question I'd been pondering ever since I over-heard their little disagreement.
Iolaus immediately grinned and folded his arms, "Yes Herc, I think Hephaestus here deserves to know."
Hercules just looked uncomfortable, but glancing between myself and his friend he sighed, "Okay, okay. Do you know the dew pond a couple of miles outside of the village?"
I nodded and the boy said that he did. "Well we'd decided to stop there for some lunch, it's a nice spot and we'd been walking all morning."
"Yeah, Herc was tired."
"Iolaus, who is telling this story? Well shut up then." Just reading the words on the page you might wonder that those two weren't quite as friendly as we've always been led to believe, but it was the way they said the words and I can't translate that to this bit of paper. I wish I could because it was a joy to behold, the spark in Iolaus' eye as he tried to bait his friend and the ironic quirk of Hercules' eyebrow in response. They loved to do this, and it showed. Everyone I spoke to later said the same thing, that it was an honour to witness the friendship and it gave them hope that two people could be so close, if others could find it perhaps they could too. I just thought of Magdria and smiled, we could be like that sometimes too and I begin to understand better just how precious and rare a thing it is that we have.
Hercules continued his story and I watched Iolaus' reactions as he spoke. He has a very expressive face does Iolaus and he had the boy sniggering just by making a face at something Hercules said on several occasions. I managed to keep a straight face but it felt good to be included in the fun.
"Iolaus, do you want to tell this story? Well tough, it's my story, me that got dunked and I'm not having you twist what happened. And you can stop making those faces!"
Iolaus grinned and said, "Yes sir, Mr Hercules sir, whatever you say sir."
Hercules heaved an extravagant sigh, "You see what I have to put up with. Well, we were sitting there, enjoying the day when this tornado of fur and teeth and claw attacked me. It took me by surprise and I backed away to give myself more room to manoeuvre in, but I backed too far and ended up in the dew pond. Iolaus!" The last was said in a very threatening manner, but Iolaus was oblivious, he was too busy laughing.
"Oh, Oh, Herc! Hercules. You are so full of .Mmmph." Hercules pushed his big hand over his friend's mouth at that point and nodded meaningfully at the boy.
"Okay, okay. But you are and you know it. What Hercules has neglected to tell you is that this windstorm of tooth and claw was a teeny weeny little dog."
"It wasn't that small." Hercules grumbled.
"Oh come on! It was minuscule, if you'd have been walking along the road you 'd have trodden on it before you noticed it."
"Only if it had stopped its incessant yapping."
"Good point. It was a real yapper. So, anyway, big brave Hercules here backed away so fast that he pushed himself backside first right into the nice cold muddy pond." Iolaus broke off to start laughing again.
Hercules said, "It was cold, very cold!"
"Yeah, so cold that you wouldn't come out. Ooh didums then, the big old demigod is scared of the nasty dog."
"Iolaus!"
"Ooh, I'm so scared! Come on then big guy, take your best shot."
"Later, buddy. I'll get you later."
Just then the boy found enough courage to pipe up. "Whose dog was it?"
Iolaus grinned, "Glad you asked that. It obviously had more sense than Herc because it wouldn't go in the water. Instead it stood there all aquiver watching my buddy here and waiting to pounce. Anyway, about that time we heard a very familiar voice calling. 'Curly, oh Curly, where are you sweetie? Come on Curly this isn't fun anymore, come to mommy.' You should have seen the look on Hercules' face, priceless, absolutely priceless."
"Yeah, well you know what it's like when my sister's about."
"He means Aphrodite."
"Yeah and don't forget to mention the look on your face when she called, 'Curly, oh Curly'. It's her name for him you see, that and Sweet cheeks. Just a bit flustered weren't you."
Iolaus blustered a bit at that, and it made me wonder what he had been thinking when he'd heard the Goddess of Love calling her pet name for him like that. He made a quick recovery to say, "Not at all, I did wonder for a second why she was calling me, but then the little dog's ears pricked up and unlike some people I could name I managed to put two and two together and realised that 'Dite had named the dog after me."
"Yeah, perfect naming it was too. A little thing with curly blond fur and a little yipping bark that just wouldn't stop."
"Later Herc, I am so gonna get you - later."
"It was pretty dangerous too." Hercules conceded.
"Yeah it got you good didn't it." The two men grinned at each other and I remember thinking how amazing it was to be part of this. I remember distinctly hoping that my girls would produce lots of grandchildren for me to tell this tale to. Hercules and Iolaus telling me a story of a meeting with Aphrodite, the wife of my patron and someone I'm particularly grateful to as well. I found love thanks to Aphrodite. But these two, one of them is related to her and the other - the other is someone she knows well enough to have a pet name for. Words fail me.
"Well there she was all of a sudden, a vision in pink." Neither the boy nor I spoke but Iolaus knew what we wanted to know all the same. I suppose any man would want to know that!
"She is the most incredible creature. Beautiful blonde curls falling down over her shoulders, a palest pink dress that's, it's, what's the word Herc?"
"Diaphanous, I think you mean diaphanous. And I don't think you need to go any further with that description buddy. We've heard all we need to hear."
There was another meaningful glance at the boy and I wondered what Iolaus had been about to tell us. I promised myself to ask him later but as it turned out I didn't need to.
"Okay, okay." Iolaus said and then muttered under his breath, "Spoilsport." before continuing with the story. It seemed to me as they spoke that regardless of his threats Hercules deferred to his friend when they were relating their deeds. Iolaus certainly has a way about him and I'll tell you he's more entertaining than any of the wandering bards that I've seen. Mind you if it's the truth you want I'll wager that it's not Iolaus you'll want to talk to. He makes up for his own lack of height with the height of his stories.
Where was I? Oh, right, Iolaus and Aphrodite. "'Dite was making such a fuss of her little dog that she didn't spot us at first. When she saw Herc."
". they don't need to know all of this Iolaus. Suffice it to say that she was trying out a new image with the little dog and wanted our opinion."
"My opinion actually, she didn't much care for yours."
"Well that little dog had ."
"Yes? What had the poor little defenceless creature done?"
"Defenceless? I don't think so. That thing was dangerous!"
"Whatever you say Hercules, whatever you say." Iolaus winked at the boy who giggled and received a glower from the demigod in reply.
Iolaus waited a beat for Hercules to pick up his story but he remained silent so Iolaus continued, "Aphrodite wanted to know whether I found it attractive for a woman to have a dog, I told her that it wasn't fair to ask as I could hardly notice a dog when she was in the vicinity. With her beauty ."
"Yeah, he waxed lyrical for all of a minute while my sister basked in the praise, it was sickening. I don't know what's wrong with you Iolaus, you shouldn't encourage her."
"He doesn't know what's wrong with me! Hephaestus, wouldn't you agree that it's Hercules that seems to have something wrong with him? What man wouldn't flirt with the goddess of love given the chance? If she remembers me kindly Hercules it's well worth it." Iolaus grinned at Hercules' obvious embarrassment. "Oh come on, she's only your half-sister."
"Iolaus!"
I can't write all of this, I just can't. My hand is cramping and my brain is aching from all this concentrating. I'm not cut out for this. Why did I let them persuade me? Well I think you get the idea anyway, they continued on like this for a while longer until it was time to clean up and head home for dinner. The girls have insisted that I write this next part in detail when I really don't see the need to put it in at all. It was just a few men cleaning up after a hard dirty day at the forge. But they're my girls and I' m writing all of this down because they want me to so I might as well try and make them happy. I'm never going to understand them, never.
I always rinse myself off with some water from the well at the back of the forge before heading home. Magdria doesn't like me to come home all sweaty and dragging dirt through the house. So, on this day instead of just me and the boy it was the four of us in the early evening sunlight, pumping water from the well and dumping buckets of it over our heads (I hope you're happy with that image girls - I really don't see the need). We used some rough cloths to rub off the worst of the grime and yet again Iolaus made like a dog and shook his head to dry his hair off a bit. The droplets shone in the sunlight as they flew everywhere, it was just one more of those moments that seemed to stick in my mind. I can see it now when I close my eyes. Iolaus with his head lowered and vigorously shaking it, sparkling droplets of water flying all around him, surrounding him in this cloud of sunlight. Hercules standing beside him, rubbing his own hair with a cloth and the boy watching them both in awe, well that's what it looked like to me. I'm guessing it was their physiques that had him mesmerised like that, he's a bit on the thin side, hasn't built up any muscles as such and I've caught him looking a bit wistful like at mine. I've told him it takes years of graft for you to bulk up like that but instead of doing the graft he just dreams.
Anyway, I'll have to admit that they did make a magnificent picture, there's something about water running down a body that shows it off at its best. And even though Hercules isn't quite the giant of a man I would have expected after all those tales he really is a fine specimen. Those two men aren't scared of a hard days work and it shows in their strong backs and arms and the hard calluses on their hands.
I wonder if I've written enough to satisfy the girls, do you think the water running down tanned torsos bit was too much? It'll probably have the girls fainting left and right if I know them, and I do. Still, if it'll make them happy in a way that keeps them safely indoors then it's worth it.
There's really not a lot more to say, see I told you it wasn't very exciting. Well, there is that one little thing that happened . see we all had dinner together and as it was such a fine evening we sat outside to eat. There was a fair amount of laughter that night and a fair amount of ale consumed. And I'll tell you something else about that Iolaus, he eats. I mean, well, I know that everyone eats, but he EATS. I've never seen anything quite like it and no wonder he finds his way into women's hearts. My wife positively melted when she saw the way he was devouring her food, makes me think I should be a bit more appreciative of my dinner than I am, might make for a better life. Hercules put a fair bit away, but then he's a big man, but he didn't shovel it in like he might never eat again, which is what Iolaus did.
Later on I asked him about it, Iolaus that is, damn but this gets complicated, I always know what I mean but how to make sure you do to? That' s what I don't know. He said, and I'll never forget this, "Nothing is guaranteed in life, Hephaestus, not your next meal, or even your next breath. You have to attack each waking second and get the most you can from it. I like my food and I don't see why I should pretend otherwise. Heck, you only live. (here he counted on his hands) four times. Herc? Is it four now?"
Hercules had been talking with my daughters but turned to answer, "What? Oh. Oh, you've got at least nine Iolaus and you're not going to starve in any of them!"
It was right about then that I heard a little yipping bark coming from round the front of the house, and a moment later a little bundle of golden curls came hurtling round the corner and rammed straight into Hercules' legs. He was taken completely by surprise and fell back, right into Magdria's flower bed. So, there he was, son of Zeus, strength of ten men, lying amongst my wife's flowers with the sharp little teeth of a small dog buried into the bottom of his leather pants. Lucky for him that the leather was so thick or it'd have been his ankle the dog was dining on.
Iolaus was no help he just sat on the grass and laughed. He laughed so hard that tears streamed down his face. My girls (and I'm including Magdria here) were no help, they flustered around Hercules in a tizzy, not knowing what to do, so I thought I'd better do something and tried to prise the little chap off of Hercules' leg.
Just about then Hercules started talking to someone behind me, he was quite angry and I realised that it must be the dog's owner, which meant that it must be Aphrodite. I quickly turned but I couldn't see her. (And I shouldn't ever have admitted out loud just how disappointed I was, Magdria may never forgive me)
Iolaus had regained some control by this time and said, "Sorry Heph. Us mere mortals aren't allowed to feast our eyes on the likes of the gods. I can only see them because I'm with Herc, and not always even then." Then he turned away from me and seemed to be talking to empty air for a minute, it was most unnerving.
A few moments later her turned back to me, I had finally prized the dog from its tasty treat and was holding it tightly in my arms, and asked me if I would like to return the little rat to its owner. Sorry, shouldn't have called it a rat, that's Hercules' fault. Please Aphrodite, if you read this believe me when I say I think it's a fine little creature but your brother isn't so enamoured of it. Well, of course I agreed and so it was that the village blacksmith and his family were treated to the sight of a goddess materialising in a sprinkle of stars right before them, and in their own garden no less!
Iolaus grinned at me as I tried to remember what I was supposed to be doing. I'm afraid I made a complete fool of myself, at least that's what my wife keeps telling me. She and our daughters stood off to one side, watching closely and from all the talk they've had since, taking a very close note of the hairstyle and the cut of the 'diaphanous' dress, even going as far as wondering if Aphrodite ever needed a manicure or if god's nails were permanently perfect.
To remind me, very sweet and subtle of her I thought, Aphrodite held out her arms to take the dog, Curly from me. I muttered something inane about it being an honour to meet her and she giggled. That sound, gods, how can I ever hope to describe it to you. I can't, I can't think what it was like, it wasn't like anything. There's nothing that compares, nothing that has ever made me feel that way before. Somehow it got right inside me and I felt as if I . well, I don't really like to say this but . I felt like I'd do anything for her, and I mean anything. Hearing that sound made me equal parts protective of and dependant on her. It just. well I suppose my reaction was a little like the reaction my daughters had when they watched Iolaus do his exercises in the early morning. Some technique he'd picked up in the East he said. He did them barefoot on the dewy grass, bare-chested too which was what got him the audience I'll wager. He wasn't aware of them though, never knew they were there until he was done and he heard their giggling. It was an interesting technique, very controlled moves, strange they were but they filled the place with a sense of peace and harmony. And so different from the mad energy he seems to exude the rest of the time.
I started on about something else and now I've forgotten where I was. I warned you, you can't say that I didn't, I'm really no good at this writing lark. Okay, right, I've re-read. So I hadn't handed little Curly over yet. Okay.
Aphrodite, the goddess of love, giggled at me. I can't begin to express how that makes me feel, I think I might burst with the sheer awesomeness of it all. I carefully handed her pet over and grunted something, I have no idea what and then she spoke to me. My toes curled with pleasure I have to tell you. It was enough for me that I'd spent time with the son of Zeus, a demigod, and his not-to-be-forgotten mortal partner, but now I was being spoken to by a fully fledged, one hundred percent goddess. With words that will live with me always, she said, "Hephaestus, I think it is just so cool that you've got the same name as my Hephy. He does too, by the way. You really don't need to pray quite so often you know, he knows your name isn't your fault, he doesn't blame you. Thank you for looking after Curly here, " and here she turned and smiled the sweetest smile you have ever seen for Iolaus, he gave her a pretty sweet smile back, if I didn't know better I'd wonder about those two, but I really think it's just a kind of brother-sister fondness they've got for each other. Then she said, "And for looking after this Curly too and my silly brother." Said silly brother had finally pulled himself up out of the flower-bed which was flattened, and was glowering at the dog. "You've been very nice to them and I'll remember that, so will Hephy." And can you believe this? Probably not which is a shame but it's true all the same, she winked at me. A quick little wink and then a lovely smile and she and her little dog were gone in another shower of stars.
It took us quite a while to get over the shock of our unexpected visitor and to get Hercules to calm down. He really lets that sister of his get to him, and so I saw for myself that the gods have family squabbles just the same as us. It's something I think about a lot, and thinking of the dysfunctional family that Zeus has I find that I don't envy them their godhood at all, I think that I've been blessed enough with my family, even if I do think they' ll drive me insane before much longer. I keep telling Magdria that it's time to start looking for husbands for the girls but she's reluctant, doesn't want her little girls to grow up. With the looks they were giving Iolaus when he left I think that they've already grown up and we need to marry them off quick before my worst nightmares are realised. Either that or lock them away in a high tower.
Hercules was mortified that he'd done so much damage to the flowers and insisted on helping Magdria save what plants she could. The two men had to be on their way, and so the next morning after helping in the garden and filling up with a big breakfast they took their leave. We didn't understand what they were doing when they set off in the wrong direction but Iolaus just winked at Magdria and said they'd pop in on their way past but they had a little errand to run first.
About an hour later they returned with a man driving a wagon full of plants. Hercules was walking along with the most beautiful and largest bouquet of flowers you have ever seen. All you could see of him was the top of his head and his legs from just below his knees. Magdria directed him to put the flowers in the kitchen but she was so pleased with her gifts that she hardly knew what she was doing. The flowers were beautiful but the plants Hercules had chosen were perfect and would mean that Magdria could replace the damaged plants with ones that were even better. He promised to return so that he could admire the results.
And that was it, the story of how a humble blacksmith played host to two honest-to-goodness heroes and how he met the Goddess of Love. It's not really that much of a tale to read to be honest, Hercules and Iolaus have far more exciting tales to entertain you but for us it was an amazing experience, something none of us will ever forget and something we are all very grateful for. I learnt something from watching those two, I learnt that the gods are more like us than they care to admit, I learnt that good friendship is a rare and special thing that deserves to be treasured. I also learnt not to believe every tale that I hear. Just because the bard says that he met 'the' Hercules doesn't mean that it's true. I also learnt that I really am no bard and that I should leave this writing lark to somebody who knows what they're doing.
And last of all I learned that it's a very bad idea to talk about Aphrodite when your wife is listening.
So, that's it, my tale of useless bits and unnecessary pieces. I hope that the girls approve. I wonder where Magdria is, she needs to read it first.
The End
05.03.2003
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