Curiouser and Curiouser

Many thanks to Adrianne and Lessa for editing this story. Thanks as well to Klio, Kendaa and Arete for encouraging me to write it.

With apologies to Lewis Carroll.

"Herc!" Iolaus' hoarse whisper disturbed his dreams and he began to stir. "Come on, Herc! You've got to wake up! You'll never believe this!"

"Believe what, Iolaus?" he asked. Sitting up, he rubbed his eyes, trying to clear the sleep from them. "Iolaus, it's the middle of the night!" Hercules exclaimed as he got a good look around. "What's so important?"

"Geez, grumpy, aren't we?" Iolaus responded, trying to suppress a giggle.

"Iolaus," Hercules tried to inject a note of warning into his tone, "why did you wake me up?"

"I wanted you to see it too, Herc!" Iolaus exclaimed. "It was big! Huge! Biggest one I've ever seen!" Iolaus bounced to his feet, his exaggerated gestures meant to convey the size of what he'd seen.

Hercules suppressed a smile at his friend's antics. 'Whatever Iolaus saw certainly has him wound up,' he thought ruefully. "What exactly was it?" he prompted.

"A rabbit, Herc!" Iolaus exclaimed. "The biggest, whitest rabbit you've ever seen!"

"A… rabbit???" Hercules stared at Iolaus. "You woke me up because you saw a rabbit?" he exclaimed in disbelief.

"Well, yeah," Iolaus admitted. Seeing the look on Hercules' face he quickly continued, "but it wasn't an ordinary rabbit, Herc! I swear! It was nearly as tall as you and it had this pink plaid toga thing on and it talked, Herc! Really!"

"Talked." Hercules was stunned.

"Uh huh," Iolaus confirmed, grinning.

"It talked," Hercules repeated, unable to stop himself. He gazed worriedly at his partner as the blonde nodded vigorously. He carefully reached over and tried to feel Iolaus' forehead but the smaller man evaded him.

"Herc! I'm not sick and I didn't imagine it!" Iolaus protested. "It was here! As big as.. well, as big as.. you!"

"Uh, right, Iolaus." Hercules swept a skeptical glance around the small clearing. "A large white rabbit." He paused as Iolaus nodded vigorously. "A.. talking rabbit." As Iolaus nodded again, Hercules asked, "So, uh, what did it say?"

"It wanted to know if I could give it directions to some queen's palace," Iolaus explained. "When I told it I'd never heard of her, it thanked me, muttered something about being late and headed off over there."

Hercules looked in the direction Iolaus pointed but could make out nothing more than the path they had been following before they stopped for the night. He could see no sign of anything moving. As bright as the moon was tonight, if anything had been there he should have been able to see it easily. Shaking his head, he looked back at his friend. "Iolaus, I think you've eaten one too many rabbits lately. How about we stop here and try our luck at fishing tomorrow?"

"Fishing sounds great!" Iolaus agreed quickly as he sat down on his bedroll. "Hey, wait a minute! You don't believe me!!"

Hercules sighed as he lay back on his bedroll. "It was a dream, Iolaus. A very.. vivid dream. There is no such thing as a talking rabbit." Ignoring Iolaus' muttering, he drew up his blanket and rolled over so his back was to his friend. "Of course, there is one other possibility…."

"Oh yeah? What?" Iolaus demanded grumpily.

"The spirits of all the rabbits you've eaten have decided to take revenge and are now going to haunt you," Hercules replied, keeping his voice as serious as he could manage. Knowing Iolaus couldn't see his face, he smiled broadly at the silence that followed his pronouncement. He could almost hear the thoughts running through Iolaus' mind. He counted down the moments to Iolaus' reaction in his head.

Hercules suppressed a chuckle as Iolaus responded right on cue. "Ha.. ha.. ha! Very funny!" Hercules listened to the sound of Iolaus settling down in his bedroll. His grin grew larger as he heard Iolaus mutter, "Thinks he's a comedian." Finally there was silence from the other side of the fire and Hercules settled himself for sleep again.

"Herc?" the tentative call caught him just as he began to doze off. "What now, Iolaus?" he sighed.

"You don't really think the spirits of those rabbits would haunt me, do you?"

Hercules groaned and buried his head in his arm for a moment before ordering, "Go to sleep, Iolaus!"

"Yeah, right.. silly idea. Night, Herc," Iolaus sighed.

"Good night, Iolaus." Hercules hoped there would be no more interruptions this night.

Iolaus lay back and stared at the sky, trying to figure out if he had really seen and heard what he thought he had. It had all felt so real when it happened, it was hard to even think that it might be a dream. He absently shifted a bit to get away from a rock poking him in the back while his mind went back over what had occurred.

'I know it was real,' he told himself. Rolling on to his side he stared in the direction the rabbit had gone. 'It couldn't have been a ghost or something like that. It was too solid. Besides, why would a ghost rabbit that wants to haunt me just ask directions to some palace and then leave?' With a sigh, he rolled back over onto his back and stared up at the moon. 'Herc doesn't believe me. He thinks I dreamt the whole thing. I wish there was some way I could prove to him it was real.' His mind worried at the problem, while his fingers tapped idly on his medallion.

With an exclamation of excitement Iolaus sat up and threw off his blanket. "That's it!" Realizing he'd spoken aloud, he glanced guiltily at his friend then sighed with relief. Hercules was sound asleep and didn't stir at his outburst. 'Good, just stay asleep, Herc,' he thought at the demi-god. He really didn't want Hercules to see him looking for proof, just in case Hercules had been correct. This way, if he did find something he could show it to Herc in the morning and if he didn't, well, Hercules would never know that he'd looked and they'd both laugh at his crazy dream.

Satisfied with his plan, Iolaus tossed his blanket aside and stood. Quickly getting his bearings he moved over to where the rabbit had been standing. He dropped to one knee and carefully examined the ground. To his delight he quickly spotted fresh tracks leading off in the direction the rabbit had gone. As he examined the prints more closely he was disappointed to find that they weren't as clear and convincing as he'd hoped.

Iolaus' gaze absently followed the trail off into a small copse of trees while his mind worked furiously to come up with a solution. These prints had convinced him that he really had seen what he thought he'd saw, but there was no way he could use them to convince Hercules. As his mind finally registered what his eyes were seeing, he grinned and quickly followed the trail towards the softer ground under the trees.

It was darker under the thick canopy of the trees. The bright moonlight which bathed the rest of the landscape was barely able to penetrate the foliage here. Iolaus was forced to move slowly and use all of his skill to follow the trail. He debated going back for a torch but decided he really didn't want to take the time, besides, he might wake up Hercules and he wasn't ready to do that yet.

He hadn't been following the tracks for long when he suddenly realized he could see no more of them. Back tracking to where he'd seen the last trace, he carefully examined the area and spotted something he'd missed the first time. The trail ended at a normal sized rabbit hole. Iolaus stared at it for a moment, wondering how he could have missed it, when it suddenly occurred to him to wonder how a rabbit the size of Hercules could possibly have used it. There had to be something else going on here. Iolaus knelt down and carefully began examining the area around the hole. He was certain there had to be a larger entrance concealed somewhere.

As a breeze rustled the leaves on the trees, the shifting pattern of moonlight shone off an object and Iolaus reached for it. As he brought it into a wider patch of moonlight, he realized it was a small cake, no more than a bite or two large, with a small scroll attached with a piece of string. His curiosity fully aroused, Iolaus opened the scroll. 'This whole thing is getting stranger and stranger,' he thought to himself as he read the neatly printed words 'eat me'. "I don't think so," he told the cake, absently speaking aloud. He tucked the scroll into his belt and carefully knelt down to continue his search.

He spotted a suspicious looking log and leaned over the hole to examine it. It seemed to stir easily when he tugged on it with one hand. In his excitement, he forgot his own sense of caution regarding the little cake and popped it into his mouth in order to free his other hand. He reached for the log once more as he absently chewed and swallowed. He was tugging on the log when a wave of disorientation over took him. He shook his head to clear it and had the sudden sensation that he was falling.

"This is crazy!" he exclaimed. "How can I be falling when I was kneeling on solid ground!" Iolaus opened his eyes and looked down. There was nothing but darkness below his feet. The ground had disappeared. He looked up and spotted moonlight shining in a hole, already well above his head. "The rabbit hole," Iolaus muttered in shock. "I'm falling down the rabbit hole!" Glancing down once more, he tried to make out the bottom. "Hope this thing isn't too deep, otherwise this is gonna hurt."

Iolaus glanced upwards once again, trying to judge the speed of his fall. The opening was now only a pin point of light that he could barely make out. Another look down still showed no sign of a bottom. "Yep, this is definitely gonna hurt," Iolaus commented morosely to himself.

How long he fell, Iolaus had no idea. He had begun to wonder if he would be falling forever when he realized that he could see light up ahead.. or down below.. or something like that. The darkness he'd been traveling through had completely disoriented him. He braced himself for a hard landing.

Iolaus landed with a thump and found himself rolling down a slope. When he finally came to a stop he was dizzy and his eyes were watering from the light. He quickly took a mental inventory of himself and was surprised to find he was in pretty good shape. Though the landing had been rough, it hadn't been as bad as he had feared. 'The question now,' he thought to himself, 'is where am I and how do I get back?'

As his eyes finally adjusted to the light, he began to examine his surroundings. To his amazement he found himself in a small room. There were no windows and he almost missed the small door at one end. The door was definitely too small for him to get through. He looked back the way he had come.

The opening to the hole was waist high and when he stuck his head inside to examine it, he found that the ground sloped sharply upward for a short distance before becoming vertical. With a bit of effort he managed to make it up the slippery slope. Looking up he could see no sign of the opening at the top. "No telling how far I'll have to climb," he muttered to himself. "Ah well, might as well get busy." Suiting actions to words, he searched for a hand hold to begin his climb.

The first outcropping he grabbed crumbled away before he even put any weight on it. "Oh great!" Iolaus glared at the walls in exasperation. "Why is it I always get to have all the fun?" He continued to mutter as he searched for a grip that would support him. "Where's Herc when I need him?" He shushed the little voice in the back of his mind that tried to remind him that he was the one who had deliberately left Hercules asleep.

His progress was slow, but he had managed to climb nearly twice his own height up the wall when he noticed a pair of eyes staring at him. Startled, he lost his precarious grip on the wall and tumbled back down out of the passage. Suppressing a groan, he rolled over and sat up to glare at the opening. To his surprise, the eyes had followed him and were now watching him from the opening. Iolaus was disgusted with himself when he realized that the eyes belonged to a large gray house cat. "A cat," he muttered, "you let a cat startle you into falling again." Iolaus stood and brushed himself off, determined to try again.

"Hmmm, interesting."

"Huh?" Iolaus looked up at the words. "Who said that?" he demanded when he didn't spot anyone. 'Though where anyone could hide around here…'

"I did." The cat blinked at him.

Iolaus felt his mouth drop open and quickly snapped it shut. For a long moment he simply stared at the animal. "You're a cat," he finally stated.

"What astute powers of observation you have," the cat replied, yawning. "I don't suppose your name is Alice, by any chance?"

"Uhm, no. It's Iolaus," he replied cautiously. "This is crazy. Iolaus, you're having a conversation with a cat!" Iolaus rubbed his hand over his face. "Herc's right. There's got to be something wrong with you. First talking rabbits and now talking cats, what next? Animals can't talk!!"

"I suppose you're an expert on the matter?" the cat inquired huffily.

"Well, I wouldn't say I'm an expert but I've never heard a cat talk before." He hurriedly continued, before the cat could interrupt with another sarcastic comment, "and neither has anyone else I've known!"

"And therefore you assume that cats can't talk." Licking his paw, the cat calmly began to clean his long black whiskers. "I don't suppose it occurred to you that just because we don't talk, doesn't necessarily mean that we can't? Hmmm?"

"I guess that could be true, but why hasn't anyone ever heard a cat talk then?" Iolaus demanded.

"You're hearing one now, aren't you?" the cat replied complacently.

"Uh…" Iolaus stared blankly at the cat, unable to come up with a way to dispute that statement. "This is ridiculous! Now I'm arguing with a cat! Iolaus, you've really got to do something about this," he told himself.

"Going forward is as good as going backward," the cat pronounced. "Of course, you could go forwards backwards but then you would only see where you've been."

Iolaus blinked and stared again. "What?" he asked as he tried to puzzle out the meaning behind the cat's words.

"I suppose you could also go backwards forwards, but what would be the point in that?" the cat continued thoughtfully.

Iolaus groaned and covered his face with his hands. He had not only gotten himself stuck down a rabbit hole with a talking cat, but the cat had to be crazy as well. "Why me?" he moaned, raising his eyes to the ceiling.

"If you don't want advice, you shouldn't ask for it," the cat stated huffily.

"Advice?" Iolaus exclaimed. "I never asked for advice!"

The tip of the cat's tail began to twitch as it glared at him. "You most certainly did."

Iolaus clamped his jaw on the urge to say 'did not' and settled for glaring at the creature. Controlling his temper he finally managed to say "Look, all I want to do is get back to my friend and forget all about talking rabbits and cats!"

"There you go again!" the cat stated smugly.

"What?" Iolaus growled in exasperation.

"Asking for advice," the cat replied.

"I did not ask for advice!" Iolaus ground the words out, valiantly resisting the urge to strangle the cat.

With an offended hiss, the cat vanished.

"Oh great!" Iolaus exclaimed. "Just my luck! Now animals are appearing and vanishing like gods. What's next?"

"Ok, think, Iolaus," he told himself sternly. "Hercules wont know where you've gone, so you can't count on him for help." Iolaus turned and surveyed the room again while he continued to work things out in his mind. "That means you've got to get out of this yourself." Iolaus noticed that a table had appeared near the small door but decided that he wasn't going to think about how it had gotten there. "Must have missed it the first time I looked," he tried to reassure himself.

Satisfied that there still wasn't any other usable way out of the room, he turned back to the hole. To his horror he found the opening had vanished. 'This isn't possible!' He pushed against the wall where the hole should have been but it remained solid under his hands. "Ok. You can't go back the way you came, so that means your only option is to find another way out of here," he told himself. "Look, you followed that rabbit here and it was bigger than you are, so there has to be a way." That seemed to be a logical assumption to him. "Yeah, right. So where is it?"

Once more Iolaus checked the room; this time carefully examining every wall for any sign of a hidden door. Finally he had to admit that the only way out seemed to be through the small door. With a sigh, he slumped to the floor beside it. "Ok, now what?" He glanced down at the door. "I suppose I could try seeing what's on the other side of it. At least then I'd know whether I really wanted to go that way or not." This seem to be as good a course of action as any, so he hunched down and carefully grabbed the tiny doorknob. To his vast disappointment the door wouldn't budge.

"Of course!" he exclaimed in exasperation. "Even if I could fit through it, the blasted thing is locked." He brought up his knees and propped his elbows on them then rested his chin in one palm. For a long moment he just stared blankly at the room. "Come on, Iolaus, you've been in worse scrapes than this," he reminded himself. "There's always an answer." Once more he swept his gaze over the room, hoping for something new. At first everything seemed to be just as it was the last time he looked. Then it dawned on him that something was different.

He had thought the table was empty the last time he looked, but now there were objects on it. Iolaus sprang to his feet and hurried over to the table. Sure enough there was a small key on it now and a small flask with another scroll. Iolaus eagerly snatched up the key but eyed the flask with a bit more caution. The last time he'd touched something with a scroll attached he'd ended up falling down a rabbit hole. He wasn't sure he wanted to know what would happen this time.

Iolaus grabbed the key and hurried back to the door. He had a hard time maneuvering the tiny key into the equally small lock but his patience was at last rewarded when he heard a faint click. With a triumphant grin, he tried the handle once more. His grin grew bigger as the door opened easily. "At last! Something is finally going right!"

Scrunching down, he managed to get a good look at what the door had hidden. "Yes!" Iolaus shouted happily. Beyond the door he could see a path leading through a forest. A forest that looked very much like the one near where Hercules and he had set up camp. The doorway looked more and more promising to him. "Now if I can just figure out how to get through it," he muttered absently. Sitting up he pondered the dilemma. His gaze was drawn once more to the tiny flask. Sure he was going to regret it, he picked up the tiny scroll and read it aloud. "Drink me." Iolaus shook his head. "Now, how did I know you were going to say that," he told the scroll.

"What have I got to lose?" He stared at the flask for a moment longer, then with a shrug drank the contents. He closed his eyes, waiting for something to happen. To his disappointment he didn't feel any different at all. He opened his eyes and stared at the flask in disgust. "Some help you were." He tossed the flask back towards the table top and did a double take as it bounced off a table leg instead. Iolaus looked up and realized that the top of the table was now well above his head.

"I better not hear any short jokes," Iolaus grumbled. "At least now I can fit through that blasted door." With that cheering thought, Iolaus headed for the door.

Iolaus' relief at escaping the strange room was short lived. He was in the forest, and it looked like the right forest, the problem was that he was still small. He put his hands on his hips and stared about him in disgust. "This is really getting ridiculous," he complained. He turned to go back into the room, just to make sure he hadn't missed something that would make him the right size again. "I should have known," he sighed. "The minute I turn my back on something around here, it disappears." Where the room should have been was only a continuation of the road through the forest.

"Mouse!"

The deep voice startled Iolaus. Whirling around he saw that the cat had returned. To his horror it was staring intently at him. Crouched down, its hind quarters gave a wiggle. It looked like it would pounce at any moment.

At that moment, Iolaus decided he'd had enough. He stalked over to the feline and punched it in the nose. "I am not a mouse!" he shouted.

The creature reared back in surprise. It blinked and stared down at Iolaus for a long moment. "You are the proper size for a mouse," it declared. "Therefore you are a mouse."

"And cats can't talk!" Iolaus shouted back at it, finally losing his temper.

The feline blinked again and lowered its head to examine him. The sight of the cat's teeth so close to him was a bit unnerving but Iolaus held his ground and continued to glare at the animal. "Oh, it's you." it sounded disappointed. It sat back with a sigh. "I was hoping for a good game of chase."

"Sorry to disappoint you," Iolaus stated sarcastically.

The cat shrugged. "I don't suppose you would be interested in playing?" it questioned hopefully.

"Not on your life!" Iolaus was adamant.

The cat sighed again. "I didn't think you would. I always win."

"I bet you do," Iolaus muttered. He stared at the animal, there was a niggling familiarity about the creature. "I don't suppose your name is Ares, is it?" he just had to ask.

"How rude!" it hissed. "Perhaps we will play my game."

"Wait," Iolaus interrupted nervously. "I didn't mean to be rude. It's just that you remind me of someone I know."

The feline continued to glare at him for a few moments, then finally relaxed. "You really must learn some manners," it told him.

Iolaus heaved a sigh of relief. "Uh, yeah, I'll try to remember that," he assured it. The feline seemed to be the only creature around and he desperately needed information. Taking a deep breathe, he opened his mouth to ask another question. Before he could even begin to form the words there was a loud thud and the ground shook. Startled, he nearly lost his balance. He glanced at the cat, to find it glaring at the path behind him.

"Clumsy oaf," it muttered and then vanished.

"Don't do that!" Iolaus shouted after it, then jumped when the cat reappeared.

"Don't do what?" it asked curiously.

"Don't vanish like that.. it's.. well.. it's rude," Iolaus told the creature.

A look of chagrin crossed the cat's face. "Is this better?" it asked as it slowly faded out.

Iolaus' mouth dropped open again as he found himself talking to just the cat's head. "Uh, yeah," he stuttered.

"Well enough then," the cat grinned at him and finished disappearing. To Iolaus' astonishment the grin seemed to linger for a few moments before it too disappeared.

Iolaus didn't know how long he'd simply stared at the spot where the animal had been. It was only when he noticed that the ground was once more vibrating that he thought to check his surroundings. To his amazement he quickly spotted the rabbit hurrying towards him. Well, maybe not hurrying, Iolaus couldn't be certain since the rabbit was now the size of a giant. It was also muttering to itself, Iolaus realized. The sound was growing louder as the creature neared him until at last he was able to make out the words.

"Oh dear, oh dear," the rabbit was saying. "I'm late! Oh my ears and whiskers! She'll have my head for this!"

"Hey!" Iolaus shouted when he thought the rabbit was close enough to hear him. "Hello!" The rabbit never ceased its own muttering. "Hey, down here!" Iolaus jumped up and down and waved his arms, trying to attract the rabbit's attention. The rabbit hurried past without once looking in his direction. Iolaus was forced to jump aside at the last minute to avoid being stepped on. Iolaus glared after it, as thoughts of rabbit stew ran through his head.

Finally Iolaus sighed. "Now what?" he asked himself. He glanced back the way the rabbit had come. As far as he could tell, there was nothing in either direction that could possibly help him. Following the rabbit seemed as good a choice as any. "You got yourself into this by following that rabbit, might as well finish what you started." With a shrug, he set off along the path.

Iolaus was getting very depressed. As small as he was, he was having a hard time making any progress, or at least it seemed that way to him. He'd been walking for what felt like hours and he didn't seem to have gotten anywhere. It didn't help that he was having to climb in and out of the ruts and bumps in the road. Finally he gave up and moved to the side. The walking was much easier in the long grass, though he did have to keep an eye on the road to keep from getting too far from it. He had started to detour around a large mushroom when he realized it was humming.

Iolaus warily backed away from the mushroom. The way everything else had been behaving lately he wasn't about to take chances with a noisy mushroom. It was only after he'd gotten a little way away that he saw that it wasn't the mushroom that was humming, but rather the red-gold creature that was perched on top of it.

At first Iolaus thought it was some sort of monster but after studying it for a few moments he realized it was nothing of the sort. "Geez, Iolaus," he told himself. "You definitely need a break when you start mistaking caterpillars for monsters." He couldn't suppress a giggle at the idea.

"It isn't polite to gawk and giggle," the creature spoke quietly.

Iolaus started. "Uh, sorry," he told it. "I.. uh, well, so many strange things have happened to me today.." he shrugged. "You know how it is."

"No, I don't." the caterpillar replied.

Its light, feminine voice sounded vaguely familiar but Iolaus couldn't place it. "You don't what?" he asked curiously.

"I don't know how it is." The creature placed a pipe in its mouth, drew on it and calmly began blowing smoke rings.

"Uh, well, it's strange." Iolaus was stumped. "I don't know how to explain it."

The caterpillar hummed and blew another smoke ring. Iolaus waited a moment to see if the thing would say anything else, but it seemed to have forgotten he was there. He was about to give up and go on when it suddenly spoke again. "What are you?"

The question seemed a bit odd but Iolaus figured he might as well answer it as best he could. "My name is Iolaus."

Once more the caterpillar hummed and blew a smoke ring; then it closed its eyes and sat quietly for a long moment. Iolaus was beginning to get a bit impatient by the time it finally looked at him again. "What is an Iolaus?" it asked.

"I am," Iolaus told it, exasperated. "That's my name."

Iolaus mentally started counting. By the time he hit three the caterpillar was once more humming and blowing smoke rings. "What is it with everything around here, anyway?" he muttered to himself. "Is it pick on Iolaus day or something?"

He was about to leave in disgust when the caterpillar spoke once more. "What are you?"

Iolaus stared open mouthed. "We just went through this!" he growled. "I've told you my name, what more do you want?"

The creature blinked at him. "Nothing," it replied, blowing more smoke rings.

Iolaus shook his head and groaned. "Why do these things always happen to me?"

He had turned away and headed back to the road when the creature called out, "Wait."

He stopped and looked back. "Why?"

"I have something to tell you," it replied.

"And what would that be?" Iolaus asked cautiously.

"Don't lose your temper," it stated ponderously, then settled back to blow more smoke rings.

"That's it??" Iolaus asked incredulously. "Just 'don't lose my temper'? That's what you wanted to tell me?" When the caterpillar didn't say anything more, Iolaus threw his hands in the air. "I don't believe this!" He glared at the thing. "Will you at least tell me something useful? Like where this road goes?"

The caterpillar hummed again, then blew a smoke ring in the direction Iolaus had come from. "That way leads to the Mad Hatter," it stated. It sent a smoke ring in the opposite direction. "That way leads to the March Hare."

Iolaus rubbed his temples. Mad Hatter? March Hare? What in Hades were those? Nothing was making sense anymore! 'It would help if I could just figure out a way to get back to normal size,' he thought ruefully. He heard a rustling sound and looked up to find the caterpillar had climbed down from the mushroom and was on the verge of leaving.

As he watched it turned to look at him once more. "One side makes you bigger and one side makes you smaller," it stated before wandering off into the tall grass.

"One side… What? Wait a minute!" Iolaus hurried after the creature but it had disappeared. "Great! Just great!" he muttered in disgust. "One side of what?" If he assumed the creature was trying to be helpful, then it had to be something close by and the only edible thing he could see was… the mushroom. "Ok…" So, which side was which, he wondered.

When he examined the mushroom, he could see no difference to any side that might give him a clue. Iolaus stared at it for a long moment, trying to decide what to do. Finally he stood as close as he could and reached around to break off two handfuls. Stepping away, he brought the two pieces side by side. He still couldn't see any difference between them. "So which one of these will make me bigger and which one is the one that makes me smaller?" he asked absently. He really didn't like the idea of getting any smaller, he heard enough short comments when he was his normal height.

"Oh well." Iolaus shrugged and took a bite of the piece in his left hand. "Never know until I try." The mushroom was rather bland and he swallowed quickly, wishing he had some ale to wash the taste away. He felt a rush of disorientation and looked up to find the mushroom was growing. He blinked, startled and then realized that the mushroom wasn't growing, he was shrinking. Before it could get any worse, he quickly chewed and swallowed a large bite from the other piece he held.

The dizzying sensation got worse and Iolaus found himself growing at an alarming rate. Within moments his head was among the tree branches. "Ouch!" he exclaimed when a branch hit his head on its way past. Thinking quickly, he took a small bite out of the first piece. To his relief, he soon started to shrink; this time at a much slower rate. "Kewl," he grinned. "I think I've got the hang of this now." Gingerly nibbling on one piece and then the other, he made himself grow and shrink until he was once more the proper size. With a broad grin at his success, he tossed the remaining pieces over his shoulder and wiped his hands on his pants. Things were beginning to look much more promising.

Iolaus stared at the road. 'March Hare or Mad Hatter? Which shall it be?' he wondered. Finally he shrugged and started off towards the March Hare, after all, the rabbit who'd gotten him into this mess had been going that way. 'Besides, hares and rabbits are almost the same thing,' he assured himself.

Iolaus found himself making much better progress this time. He looked down at the road surface and was amazed at how tiny the ruts looked now. They had seemed almost like mountains before. "I guess size is a relative thing," he giggled to himself.

When no more strange creatures interrupted his progress, Iolaus relaxed. He'd even started humming the tune to the latest bawdy song he'd heard. He was trying to remember exactly how the words went when a burst of laughter caught his attention. Picking up his pace he quickly rounded a bend and found the source of the noise. Iolaus stopped and stared. Even he didn't believe what he was seeing.

Seated at a large table were three of the strangest, well, beings was the only word he could think of to describe them. The first one had to be the one the caterpillar had called the March Hare. Next to it was a smaller creature that looked amazingly mouse-like, though it was the largest mouse Iolaus had ever seen. The third being looked almost human except for the very strange hat it was wearing. Considering its head gear, Iolaus assumed that this was the one the caterpillar had called the Mad Hatter. The Mad Hatter and the March Hare were laughing uproariously while the mouse was asleep with its head on the table.

Iolaus rubbed his eyes and looked again. The scene hadn't changed. As he watched, the Hare poured something in the mug in front of it and Iolaus suddenly realized that it had been a long time since he'd had anything to drink. As if in response to that thought, his stomach rumbled, reminding him it had been a while since he'd eaten as well. Iolaus looked at the food on the table, there was much more than the three could possibly eat and the table was set for more people, beings, creatures.. 'Maybe they won't mind an uninvited guest,' Iolaus thought hopefully.

He waited for a quieter moment. "Uh, hi." Iolaus tried to get their attention. He failed miserably. "Hello?" All three continued to ignore him. "Oh great," Iolaus sighed. "Am I invisible now?" Annoyed, he pulled out a chair and sat down at the table. Propping his elbows on the table he put his head in his hands. "I'm really getting tired of this," he muttered.

"Who are you?"

Surprised, Iolaus looked up to find the Hatter and the Hare staring at him. "I'm Iolaus," he answered as politely as he could.

The two creatures exchanged glances. "I didn't invite an Iolaus," the Hatter told the Hare. "Did you?"

"Certainly not!" the Hare exclaimed. "I don't even know what an Iolaus is!"

Both creatures turned to stare at him again. "What is an Iolaus?" the Hare demanded.

Iolaus groaned quietly. "Me," he answered as best he could. "Iolaus is my name."

"Hmmph!" the Hatter snorted delicately. "I don't think it's a very good name."

"Perhaps Dormie invited it?" the Hare suggested. The two turned to look at their sleeping companion. Leaning over the mouse, it yelled, "WAKE UP!"

**hic** The mouse stirred, muttered something, then went back to sleep.

"I told you not to give Dormie that last cup!" the Hatter exclaimed in disgust. "You know he can't hold his tea! Now he's drunk and we'll never get anything sensible out of him."

"Me? You're blaming me?" the Hare exclaimed. "You gave him the first cup!"

"Of course I did," the Hatter replied. "One must be sociable. See, I have my social hat on." It pointed to the hat on its head.

As he watched the two argue, Iolaus came to the conclusion that they could go on all day like this. Resigned, he tried to interrupt, "Excuse me."

Both beings stared at him in shock for a moment. "Let me handle this," the Hatter told the Hare. "I have the perfect hat and I've been dying to try it out." As Iolaus watched, the hat it was wearing shimmered and changed. "One must always have the perfect accessories for what one is doing," the Hatter said smugly. It adjusted the hat to a rakish angle and then glared at Iolaus. "Now, who invited you to our tea party?"

"Uh, no one," Iolaus replied. "I invited myself?"

"There, you see! My interrogation hat works every time!" the Hatter told the Hare triumphantly.

**hic** "She really knew how to work it, too.. I remember…." The mouse's voice trailed off as it went back to sleep.

Iolaus suppressed a giggle as the other two glared at the mouse. Finally the Hare shook it's head. "Where were we?" it asked as it looked around. It spotted Iolaus and smiled. "Ah, yes, our guest. Would you care for some tea?"

Not sure if the creature was really talking to him, Iolaus replied tentatively. "Uh, sure. I guess."

The creature's smile grew larger and with a triumphant flourish it placed a large cup in front of Iolaus. "Help yourself to some of this delicious pie," it offered. "I'm sure you'll love it. I made it myself, you know."

"Uh, thanks." Iolaus was confused at the sudden change in the way they were treating him. "It, uh, looks delicious." The pie looked rather strange to him, but he wasn't going to argue the matter, he was too hungry.

"Really," the Hatter interrupted. "My dear Hare, I hadn't finished interrogating this Iolaus thing."

"Well, you can interrogate him while he eats, Hattie," the Hare replied nonchalantly.

"While he eats!" the Hatter exclaimed. "And just who invited him to eat, that's what I'd like to know!"

"I made the pie, I can invite him to eat it if I want to!" the Hare glared.

**hic** "Pie's good. More tea is better." **hic** The mouse looked around blearily, nose twitching. "Where's the girls?"

"Oh, go back to sleep!" the Hatter exclaimed in disgust.

Iolaus quickly took a drink to hide his grin. Then he sighed. 'This may be funny but it isn't helping you any,' he reminded himself. "Uh, excuse me," Iolaus interrupted the latest disagreement. "Have any of you seen a large white rabbit?"

"Rabbit?" the Hare stared at him. "No, no rabbit here," it assured him as it went back to throttling the mouse.

"You might try the Queen's palace," the Hatter suggested absently as it pushed the Hare away and took over the throttling job.

"And where would I find this palace?" Iolaus asked.

The Hare waved in the direction he'd been traveling, then grabbed the teapot. Iolaus hurriedly backed away from the table and headed for the road. He couldn't resist one last glance behind him though. He almost went back at the sight of the Hare and the Hatter trying to stuff the mouse into the teapot but the little guy seemed to be enjoying it, so he decided to leave while he could.

Iolaus shook his head and giggled. That had to be the strangest lunch he'd ever been to. One thing he had to admit, this day had certainly not been ordinary.

Iolaus still hadn't stopped giggling about the strange 'tea party' by the time he spotted the outline of a structure in the distance. "That has to be the palace," he told himself. Eager to finally get some answers and find a way back to Hercules, Iolaus quickened his pace until he was almost running. At that rate, he quickly neared the palace only to find his way blocked by a tall hedge. Disgusted, Iolaus followed the road as it curved around the hedge. He knew there had to be an opening somewhere.

"Things that are hidden are often right in front of you."

Iolaus looked up to find the cat pacing beside him on top of the hedge. "Oh great," he muttered. "You again." He stopped and glared at the creature. "Can't you ever say anything that means something?"

"Of course." The cat stopped as well. Seating itself, it licked its paw and began to wash its face.

"Well?" Iolaus asked impatiently.

"Very deep with lots of nasty water in it," the cat replied calmly. "The Queen has one in her garden."

Iolaus groaned. "That wasn't what I meant!"

"Then you should say what you mean," the cat told him seriously. "I always do."

"You.. you.. you're impossible!" Iolaus had had enough of the cat and its riddles; he stalked away.

"Nonsense!" The cat was once more pacing beside him. "I am here so clearly I'm not impossible. Unlikely perhaps… I am one of a kind, after all."

Iolaus decided it would be better to ignore the animal since every time he said anything, the cat ended up twisting it around. At least that way, he wouldn't end up killing it. So the two of them walked for a way in silence. Iolaus was aware that the cat's grin got bigger the more he ignored it but he wasn't about to break down and speak to it.

Gradually another frustration began to take his mind off the cat. He had walked almost all the way around the palace but had yet to find an opening in the hedge. When he finally reached the point where he had first encountered the hedge, he had totally forgotten about his companion. "This is crazy! How does anyone ever get in there?"

"Through the door of course."

"What door?" Iolaus glared at the creature. "I've been all the way around this thing and there isn't any door!"

"You really aren't very bright, are you?" The cat gave him a disgusted look. "That door." It pointed at a spot a few paces away.

Sure enough, when Iolaus looked he immediately spotted a large door in the hedge. "That wasn't there before!" he protested. "Don't say a word!" he warned the creature. The cat just snorted and grinned at him. With one last glare at the animal, Iolaus marched up to the door and grabbed the handle. "It's probably locked or stuck or something," he muttered to himself. Bracing himself, he gave a hard yank and found himself sitting on the road, the door now standing wide open.

"You really should be more careful with other people's possessions," the cat commented. "The Queen is a bit touchy about these things."

"Uh, right." Iolaus shook his head. He got up and dusted himself off. Warily, he stepped through the door and looked around. He found himself on a large grassy area. At the far end was the palace building he'd spotted before. There were more hedges off near one corner but what caught his attention were the groups of people moving about in the open area. It didn't take him long to spot the rabbit. "Alright!"

Iolaus was about to set off towards the rabbit when the cat spoke up. "I would tread carefully here, if I were you."

Surprised the creature was still with him, Iolaus glanced up. "Oh, right." He grinned at the cat. "Thanks!"

The cat blinked at him for a moment, then sighed. "It's your tail, I guess." With that cryptic remark it faded from sight. Iolaus stared after it for a moment, wondering what it had meant. Then with a shrug, he dismissed it. He had a rabbit to catch.

Iolaus made it halfway to the rabbit before a funny looking man in a gilded hat like thing stopped him. "No, no, no, this simply wont do," the man declared. "Where is your mallet? And your ball? Have you lost them?" Before Iolaus could even begin to answer, he leaned forward and whispered, "They do have a habit of wandering off, but we mustn't let the Queen see you this way." Suiting actions to words, the stranger hooked his arm though Iolaus' and began to usher him over to a corner.

"Uh, actually, I wasn't playing…" Iolaus tried to explain.

"Not playing?!?!" the man interrupted, horrified. "You simply must play! The Queen would be so upset!! You really don't want to upset the Queen!"

"But I…"

"Here!" The man thrust a tall pink bird and a hedgehog at him. "You really must join in! That is a royal order!"

"A royal…" Iolaus looked at the strange man again. He supposed the strange headgear could be considered a crown of some sort. "Uh, I don't mean to be rude, but, uhm, who are you?" he asked cautiously.

"I am the King, of course!" the man exclaimed in shock. "Surely you've heard of me? I'm really very famous!"

"Oh, yeah, right." Iolaus hurriedly made excuses. "I just didn't expect to ever meet you, Your Majesty!"

"I suppose it would be a bit of a shock," the King replied. "It isn't every day that one meets a living legend." The King smiled at him. "now be a good sport and join the game before the Queen sees you."

Iolaus watched the King join a group of people clustered around a tall dark-haired woman. "Guess that must be the Queen everyone keeps mentioning," he mused. Well, the Queen wasn't the one he needed to find. He looked to the spot where the rabbit had been and was disappointed to find it had vanished again. He looked all around but there seemed to be no sign of it now. "Great, just great," he muttered to himself. Tucking the bird under one arm, he headed out onto the grass again.

He'd reached a small rise and was using it as a vantage point to scan the area when another voice broke his concentration. "Not joining the game? Hmmm?" He turned to find the woman he'd seen before. Judging by the round gold thing on her head, he figured his guess had been right, this was the Queen. She looked a bit impatient.

The site of a hedgehog rolling by gave him inspiration. "I've, uh, lost my hedgehog, Your Majesty," Iolaus explained as politely as he could.

The Queen raised an eyebrow and looked at him for a long moment. "We'll have to find it for you then," she finally replied.

"Uh, that really isn't necessary, Your Majesty," Iolaus assured her. He really needed to find that rabbit and get out of this crazy place soon, he realized.

"Nonsense!" the Queen contradicted him. "I insist." She linked her arm through his. "Now, where did you see it last?"

"Uhhh.." Iolaus tried to think quickly. He caught a movement out of the corner of his eye. "Over there, Your Majesty." With a smile, he indicated the area he'd just seen the rabbit vanish into. Might as well make the best of the situation, he told himself. With a resigned sigh, he allowed the Queen to lead him away.

Iolaus was getting extremely frustrated. No matter what he did, he couldn't seem to lose the Queen. He'd finally managed to get her to let go of him, but that was the most success he'd had. The whole situation was driving him crazy. He'd managed to get several glimpses of the rabbit but was no closer to getting home than he'd been when he started.

The Queen was a lot tougher and smarter than he'd thought. He'd tried to slip away twice only to find her waiting for him. Now he was starting to feel as if he was the one being hunted. Just when he was about ready to give up, the King came scurrying up. "My dear!"

"What do you want?" the Queen sneered. "Can't you see I’m busy?"

"But, my dear, we need you!" the King pleaded. "There is a dispute that only you can settle!" Tugging on her arm, the King tried to hurry her away.

"I'll settle them!" the Queen declared. "Off with their heads!!" The King winked at Iolaus then hurried after the Queen.

Iolaus heaved a sigh of relief as the Queen and King disappeared behind another hedge. "This is too much."

"What is?" a voice inquired from behind him.

"All of this!" Iolaus waved at the gathering as he turned around. "You!" he exclaimed as he finally got a good look at who, or rather what, had addressed him.

"Me?" the rabbit questioned. "What about me?"

"I've been looking all over for you!" Iolaus told it. "It's all your fault I'm in this mess! You've got to tell me how to get back to my friend!"

"My fault? Really?" the rabbit stared at him curiously. "I'm afraid I don't see how that is possible." Iolaus took a deep breath to calm himself and quickly explained what had happened to him after the rabbit had asked for directions.

"So, now you want to go home. I think we can manage that," the rabbit said thoughtfully. "Let's see, how did it go again.." It paused, as Iolaus waited impatiently. "I know I have those instructions here somewhere," it told him as it started to dig among the folds of its toga. "Yes, here they are!" It waved a piece of parchment triumphantly. "Now, you stand over there." Iolaus followed the rabbit's directions until it was satisfied. "Ok, now according to this you need to repeat the following phrase three times: 'There's no place like home. '" It peered at Iolaus. "Have you got that?"

"Say, 'there's no place like home' three times.. got it." Iolaus grinned. "Anything else?"

"Let me see," the rabbit checked the scroll. "Oh yes, you will need to click the heels of your ruby slippers together three times when you finish." Smiling, the rabbit looked up. "That should do it."

"Ruby slippers???" Iolaus exclaimed. "What ruby slippers?"

"The ruby slippers…" The rabbit glanced down at Iolaus' feet. "Oh dear… What happened to the slippers?"

"I never had any slippers!" Iolaus stated impatiently.

"That can't be right!" The rabbit started scanning the scroll again, muttering to itself. Finally it looked up. "It says right here that you should have the slippers. This is quite unorthodox."

"Sounds like my entire day," Iolaus moaned. "What am I going to do now?"

"Hold your carrots, young Iolaus. Give a rabbit half a chance." The rabbit went back to pouring over the scroll. "Ah hah! Here's the problem!"

"What?" Iolaus asked cautiously.

"Wrong story," the rabbit replied with a sigh.

"Oh great!" Iolaus threw up his hands in exasperation. "Why can't one thing go right today?"

"Now, now, calm down," the rabbit told him. "It can't be that bad." When it saw Iolaus' glare, it hurriedly continued, "There is no reason to suppose that it wont work for you."

"You think?" Iolaus asked, afraid to get his hopes up again.

"It's certainly worth a try," the rabbit reassured him. "Now, you just stand where I told you, close your eyes and say that phrase." It got Iolaus back into position then backed away. "Don't forget to click your heels together!" it reminded him.

Feeling a bit silly, but desperate enough to try anything, Iolaus did as he was instructed.

"There's no place like home.." **click**

"There's no place like home.." **click**

"There's no place like home.." **click**

"I do believe something is happening!" the rabbit exclaimed. "Keep going!! Keep going!!"

Iolaus sighed.

"There's no place like home.." **click**

"There's no place like home.." **click**

"There's no place like.."

"Iolaus? Come on, buddy! Wake up!"

Surprised by the voice, Iolaus opened his eyes to find Hercules leaning over him. "Herc!" he exclaimed. "What are.. where am.." He couldn't think of what to ask first. He sat up and spied the remnants of their campfire. A quick glance around confirmed that he really was back where he belonged.

"Iolaus, are you alright?" Hercules asked worriedly.

"I'm fine, Herc!" Iolaus assured him brightly. "Great! Couldn't be better!" Iolaus grinned at the demi-god.

Hercules shook his head and reluctantly smiled back. "You really had me worried, Iolaus." Hercules stood up and pulled Iolaus to his feet. "That was some dream you were having," he told him. "You kept muttering about home.." Hercules gave him another concerned glance. "You sure nothing's bothering you?"

"Positive, Herc," Iolaus smiled. Then his curiosity got the better of him. "Uh, say, Herc, was I, uhm, you know, here all night?"

Hercules stared at him, clearly puzzled by the question. "Of course you were, Iolaus. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, no reason," Iolaus assured him brightly. Relieved that his strange adventure was nothing more than a very vivid dream, Iolaus reached down and grabbed his blanket. He gave it a quick shake and started to roll it up then spotted a tiny scroll lying on the ground. Curious, he picked it up and read it. "Eat me."

"Iolaus? You going to stand around all morning? I thought we were going fishing." Hercules' voice penetrated his shock. He looked up to find his friend staring at him impatiently.

"Be right there," he answered. With one last glance at the scroll, he waded it up and threw it into the dead campfire. He had some fish to catch and he wasn't going to spoil a wonderful day thinking about it.

The end.

When I wrote this story I had other Hercules and Xena characters in mind. The following is the cast list in order of appearance.

©1999 by Ceallach

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