Turnabout is Fair Play

“Good-bye Iolaus!” Karrina whispered kissing him thoroughly on the lips with enough feeling to make his knees weak, before pulling away. Iolaus blinked once, a wide grin spreading over his golden features. He was almost tempted to go after the retreating brunette when a hand took firm hold on the back of his vest yanking him along.

Looking up Iolaus saw his larger partner Hercules shake his head, smile on his face as he lead his flirtatious friend out of the inn. Laughing and waving Iolaus shook free of his friend’s grip as they walked out of the village.

“How do you do it?” The demigod asked as they walked. “I mean, every village, every town, there is always somebody, or sometimes several somebodies-”

“Hey, I’m always a gentlemen.” Iolaus countered still grinning.

“I know! I just don’t know *how*! You juggle these girls and never drop one.” Hercules sighed exasperated. “Have you ever thought how they feel?”

“I always think of how they feel. They aren’t exactly great conversationalists. And I always make it perfectly plain that there is nothing serious and so do they. What’s the harm of a little flirting?”

“That kiss was a little flirting?” Hercules turned and asked wide eyed. “Tell me another one.”

“It’s not as if *you’re* oblivious to the opposite sex.” Iolaus pointed out with a laugh.

Hercules shrugged, not bothering to admit his friend was right, Iolaus knew well enough, and he knew how to take care of himself. The continued to walk away from the village. They didn’t really have anywhere to go, but they enjoyed the journey all the same.

Iolaus found himself thinking of his friend’s words. Yes, he didn’t really have any stable long term relationships. Yes he preferred casual dalliances with women, but then he hadn’t exactly had much luck with women despite his taller friend’s teasing words.

There was Niobe, Queen of Attica who had been his cousin’s wife. But pursuing any feeling he had with her would be just plain *wrong.*

There had been Xena, but that had been a disaster. *Used and then thrown away,* the memory still stung despite the Warrior Princess’ reformation.

There was the bard Gabrielle. He was attracted to her, that he knew. But he was years older and they both had their own obligations and their own lives.

Then there was Nebula the Pirate Queen. *Well actually that is more like bittersweet torture than a relationship* Iolaus reasoned. Constant teasing and sly comments was about as far as that got. Though the hunter had to admit sometimes it could be fun.

And then there were women like Karrina, with whom he shared a casual relationship with few words, for a short while and then moved on, no strings attached.

With all the women in Greece, Hades, the world, there ought to be someone he could relate to! *Ah well, the Fates must have it in for me!* he reasoned.

Since the death of his wonderful, understanding, funny, loving wife all those years ago, there really hadn’t been anyone who could fill that void inside him, not completely and certainly not for very long. Even thinking about Anya still brought a lump to his throat. Women he’d felt close to since her and their child’s death were either unavailable, using him, or dead. So the hunter wandered the world with Hercules, who had lost not one, but two families, untethered.

In a sense it was rather depressing Iolaus thought with a sigh.

Kicking along a rock on the path he was so lost in his thoughts he didn’t even notice that Hercules had stopped in front of the band of smelly thieves until he had walked halfway past them and the demigod called out.

“Um, Iolaus?”

For their part the thieves were stunned at the sight of a blond man walking past their drawn weapons like they weren’t even there.

*Gods! Iolaus get a grip here!* the hunter thought shaking his head. A few crazy thoughts and he lost his head. *Women! It was scarey what thinking about them would do to you!* Grasping his scabbard tightly he put on his fiercest glare and stared at the would-be criminals.

That seemed to take the rest of the fight out of them, but they tried a few halfhearted attacks at him and Hercules which both of them deflected easily thumping them soundly without and sending them hurrying down the road.

The demigod turned to look at his friend with astonishment and laughter in his eyes. “And where exactly were you my friend?”

Running his hand through his wavy blond hair the hunter shrugged, not wanting to talk about it really. “I don’t know. Does it matter? They were pretty pathetic anyway.”

The demigod snorted irreverently with a teasing grin. “More like completely thrown of balance. Now which one of your old hunter’s tricks is that?”

“A new one.” Iolaus admitted with a laugh. “I’ll try and remember it. Look-” he began slightly more serious. “Why don’t you go on ahead to your mother’s house? I think I’ll do some hunting and fishing for a week or so.”

Hercules nodded understanding. Sometimes he felt like hiding out somewhere just to gather his thoughts as well. “Sure Iolaus, I’ll see you at my mother’s house.” Gripping his best friend’s hand in a warriors handshake, the two men said their good-byes, Hercules headed off towards Thebes where Jason and Alcmene stayed in the spring and summer and the golden hunter tromped off through the woods.

Without any further interruptions he made it into the forest and softly padded through the undergrowth, not even disturbing the animals he sensed moving around him. Iolaus spied a deer through the trees and smiled at the thought of fresh venison. Pulling out an arrow and readying his bow he stalked the creature.

Finally getting the animal within his sights he let the arrow fly. The hunter’s aim was true and the magnificent animal fell. Hurrying over and pulling out his hunting knife, slitting the great animal’s throat quickly and cleanly letting the blood flow back out onto the ground.

“Blessed Artemis, Blessed Earth thank you for this creature’s life.” he murmured respectfully. Gathering up his meal for the next few days he headed off towards the stream he could hear flowing a ways in the distance.

Searching along its bank where it pooled into perfect fishing holes he realized with a grin, Iolaus found a place to set up camp. With practical efficiency he butchered his meat and started a fire. Soon the smell of roasted venison filled the air and the hunter’s stomach rumbled in anticipation. Preparing to eat finally as night fell and the moon danced it’s path across the starlit sky, Iolaus became conscious of splashing and giggling further downstream.

He was halfway to his feet to go and investigate when he stopped, slapping his hand against his forehead. This was Artemis’ territory. And spying on her or her priestess while bathing would get you killed or at best changed into an animal. Deliberately turning his back to the sound he started on his meal, trying to be polite and block out the sounds of nymphs, and the gods only knew what else, bathing.

Iolaus knew that for anyone else the evening would have ended with him going to sleep, the women leaving after a while and no one getting hurt. But he was here, *not* someone else, and gods some days he swore he was cursed!

As he was bedding down for the night the quiet splashing and laughter was broken by a scream of terror. Iolaus bolted from his pallet drawing his sword but still hesitant to push his way through the trees and help given Artemis’ feelings on men in general. But the cry sounded again along with a desperate plea.

“Great Artemis! Anyone! HELP!”

That decided it for the hunter and her burst through the trees immediately taking in the three unsavory men --obviously by the looks of them members of the band of thieves Hercules and he had taken care of earlier that day-- who were trying to force themselves on the nymphs and priestess by the pool’s edge.

Roaring in fury Iolaus charged the first man pulling him off the terrified woman who bolted like a deer the second she was free. Iolaus slammed the hilt of his sword into the man’s head not caring if he lived or died as the form slumped to the ground.

Instinct warned him of danger behind him and whirling around Iolaus was able to block the attack, wounding the man in the process. That left only one to go.

Before he could even move a brilliant iridescent light filled them forest blinding him for a moment. Blinking Iolaus could barely make out the form of the Huntress herself in all her glory. Reaching down, the immortal goddess dipped her fingers into the pool she floated serenely above and splashed the remaining man.

The thief turned attacker obviously knew the stories of retribution Artemis, virgin goddess of the hunt, could met out when crossed. Scrambling in panic, the man leapt out of the way of the enchanted water plowing himself and Iolaus straight into a tree.

The world exploded in a million bursts of colorful pain filled light in the hunter’s eyes and then darkness fell.

Voices, he heard voice as if through a distant kalidescoping tunnel. Iolaus struggled through the throbbing dizziness that filled him; a tingling, like his whole body had fell asleep while he wasn’t paying attention. The hunter found he could barely form coherent thoughts, his mind seemed scrambled.

The voices continued to swirled around his head like lazy fireflies.

“Iolaus?” Artemis came closer eyes wide with worried, the anger fading quickly. Quickly she shoved away her hounds who were tearing apart the man who’d tried to escape the water in vain and was now a very dead stag. Brushing away the leaves she caught sight of him. “Oh dear!” she sighed looking about slightly embarrassed, trying to stifle a giggle. Hesitantly she reached out and shook his shoulder. “Iolaus! Are you in there? Wake up!”

Moaning the golden hunter shook his head.

“Iolaus! Speak to me! Hercules will *never* forgive me if something happened to you!” she admitted in a low anxious voice shaking him again.

Eyes finally fluttered open and stared up in absolute confusion. Artemis waved her hand across Iolaus’ field of vision whistling. “Anyone home? Iolaus?”

“Ar-Artemis?” he gasped hoarsely before letting our a groan and slumped back onto the ground.. His head hurt soo much. Some days he actually had to wonder if any of this heroic stuff was worth the aftermath.

Letting out a breath, Artemis laughed in relief. “Thank All, you’re okay! That’s one problem solved! Let me thank you for coming to my chosen’s aide.” she continued formally. “And I will fix things.” she assured him feverently, bitting her lip as to not giggle.

Bringing his hand to his forehead, Iolaus rubbed it ruefully still feeling the disconcerting tingle on his skin, but the Huntresses’ words brought him out of his daze slightly. “Fix what?” he asked suddenly worried. “I- I’m not . . . *dead* am I?”

“Oh no!”Artemis soothed moving closer to the hunter. Iolaus closed his eyes, appreciating the closeness, but strictly reminded himself just who this was.

“Nothing like that. Just give me a moment-” He could feel her sit up and heard the splashing of water. Unsure of what was going on he kept his eyes firmly shut. If the goddess wanted to take a bath before “fixing” whatever was causing this tingling, Iolaus wasn’t going to provoke her anger,

*But gods above! A bath! Now?!!* When his skin felt like it was crawling? That was gratitude for you!

Suddenly he felt silvery cool drops drip on his nose. Letting out a yelp of surprise he sat up quickly, nearly toppling over, the dizziness was so strong. He looked up to see Artemis in the evening light, still dressed standing over him with wide eyes.

“What was that for?!” he sputtered indignantly.

“It didn’t work!” she announced in dismay.

“What didn’t work?” Iolaus demanded suddenly very worried. “And what is wrong with my voice?” he realized in shock at the unfamiliar sound that rang through the night air. “Did you get me wet during the fight?!” Iolaus asked in sudden hysteric panic remembering too well what Artemis’ water spells could do. “Do I have the head of a stag?! Did you make me old? Am I purple again? What did you DO?!!”

“It should have worked!” the goddess assured him more flustered than the mortal had ever seen her. “I don’t know why not.” she murmured turning back to the pool “Maybe it’s the water . . .”

“ARTEMIS!” Iolaus roared losing what patience and sanity he possessed. “What did you DO?!!”

The goddess whirled around winching at the tone slightly. “Um . . . words can’t describe it?” she offered carefully.

Pushing himself to his feet almost drunkenly, he stumbled past Artemis to the pool’s edge and stared down at the dark water trying to see his reflection.

“I can fix it Iolaus!” Artemis’ voice babbled in the background. “I promise, it’s just a mistake! I’ll call Athena! ATHENA!”

In a flash of bright light that lit up the grove Athena, goddess of Justice and Wisdom appeared, in full battle regalia.

The light blinded Iolaus momentarily, but then the spots of dancing color dissipated and he found his reflection in the water and let out a scream of terror, pushing away so fast he fell flat on his back and *thank the gods!, or better yet CURSE the gods!* promptly and mercifully passed out.

Athena looked to her younger sister. “Artemis?” she asked frustration evident “What have you-” The grey eyed goddess blinked and stared down a moment longer at the unconscious figure at her feet “Iolaus?” she asked tentatively, leaning over his prone form. Then straightening suddenly and blinking owlishly several times she burst out laughing.

Athena howled with laughter. She sputtered and gasped until she hugged herself and tears streamed down her face.

Artemis tried, she really tired to keep a straight face, but given that this was Iolaus they were talking about and the evident fact that he was completely out she couldn’t help but join her sister in a giggle fit.

“He was only trying to help me sister hahaha er, hmph!” The huntress explained trying to get ahold of herself. “I wanted to teach those horrible men a lesson heeheehee, ahem! But somehow Iolaus got in the wa-a-y-hahahahaoheehee!”

“P-poor, p-poor Iolaus! Such heroics!” Athena gasped leaning heavily on her spear. “J-just think about what Aphrodite would say!”

At this inopportune time fate decreed Iolaus should quit hiding and come out and bravely face the world, and face it he did (though bravely isn’t the word the bards use, hysteric comes to mind however.). He opened his eyes and painfully remembered what had happened.

“AAHHHHHHHHHHH!” Iolaus shrieked sitting up in absolute panic. Jumping to his feet, he whirled around to face the two shamefaced goddesses.

“What have you . . .how did . . .?” The hunter began brokenly looking from one immortal to another completely lost. “By the gods- by the *GODS!* I’m-I . . . I’M A WOMAN!”

“I can see that.” Athena said with a very atypical giggle.

Looking down at his chest, *oh gods! My chest!* he quickly pulled his purple patchwork vest tightly together, blushing furiously, finding the two sides actually met, he being if at all possible smaller. However that motion pressed his amulet closer to his skin and yelping at the sudden cold he pulled it out to hang outside his clothes. Artemis covered her mouth, trying so very hard not to laugh at the hunter but it was soooo difficult.

Iolaus stood before them a very stunned, very panicked petite woman in a man’s clothes with silky long waves of blond hair and creamy golden skin and stunning blue eyes. It was more than enough to rival even Aphrodite’s famed beauty.

“This is not happening. This is not happening! THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!” Iolaus’ now husky lyrical voice rose with every word as he turned him self in circles.

“I’m dreaming, that’s the only explanation.” he began to convince himself *or was it herself now?* a voice in his *her?* mind teased. “I’m dreaming, I’m dreaming and at any moment I’ll wake up in my bedroll and Hercules will be there- oh Hades! HERC!”

Iolaus whirled around and let go of his vest and grabbed hold of a stunned Artemis shaking her. “What will I tell Herc!? How can I explain this? What will I say? What will HE say? Oh gods, I’m doomed!” The hunter moaned and began pacing dizzying circles again.

“I can’t let him know it’s me! We couldn’t be a team anymore! We couldn’t be friends anymore! He could never be seen with me! No one could! I’d be an embarrassment, and everyone would laugh at me, and point at me, and whisper, and joke, and no one would like me, no one would take me seriously, no one would want to be around me and I couldn’t have any friends, and I’d have to run away into hiding, and change my name, leave no forwarding address, and never, never, never be seen again! ” Iolaus wailed in misery throwing himself into Athena’s arms, finding himself on the brink of tears.

Both goddesses turned to look at each other mouths open in shock. Finally Athena put her comforting arms around the smaller woman and held her soothingly glaring at Artemis when her little sister began to chock once again on laughter at the sight.

“Don’t worry Iolaus, don’t worry we’ll figure this out.”

Sniffing, Iolaus turned his head to look up in Athena’s grey eyes. “Really?”

“Really.”

Iolaus began to smile and then suddenly pulled away, wiping his eyes, gaping down at himself remembering his vest and pulling it tight again. “What in Tartarus am I doing?!”

“It’s the body.” Artemis explained sheepishly. “Your thoughts might be that of a man, but you are in a woman’s body and it affect’s your mind and your emotions.”

“Tell me this isn’t permanent! Tell me you can fix this! Tell me I won’t wander around the rest of my life crying at the drop of a hat!”

“Women do not cry at the drop of a hat!” The huntress denied, hands on her hips indignantly. “And don’t make it sound as if being a woman is that horrible. Yes, it is harder than being a man-” she allowed but Iolaus cut her off.

“Since when?” he said with an irreverent snort.

“Watch you’re tone!” Artemis countered eyes narrowing. “I understand that this is a shock, especially in a new body and all, but maybe this is just what you need! A little perspective. What do you think Athena?” she said turning to her sister.

But before the goddess of wisdom could answer Iolaus held up one hand, knowing he’d gone too far, and taking a deep breath to calm himself. “I’m sorry Artemis. I’m just . . . not myself.”

*Well is that the understatement of the century or what!?*

“Hmmm.” she pursed her lips together but kept quiet. Athena on the other hand examined the water and found it tainted with the blood.

“Here’s the problem. The water was contaminated by those men, that’s why it won’t turn Iolaus back to normal. You’re nearest temple is north of Corinth isn’t it?” she asked her sister.

“That’s right.” The huntress affirmed.

“Well then Iolaus,” The grey eyes goddess turned back to the blond wiping her hands. “I suppose you’ll just have to travel there and bathe in the spring in the temple to return to your usual self.”

“Travel?” Iolaus repeated stupidly. “Like this!?”

“What, women don’t travel all of a sudden?” Athena questioned with an arched brow.

*Oh boy! Better not tick both of them off!* He thought quickly. *Best just keep my mouth shut before it gets me into any more trouble!*

“Please! You know I don’t mean it like that.” he explained hurriedly.

“Maybe not intentionally but those backwards male ideas are still ingrained in your head whether you like them or not.” Athena scolded in a no-nonsense tone. “A little traveling could do you some good.”

“This is about the apple thing isn’t it?” Iolaus asked desperately and then shook his head and held up his hand to forestall any comments when both women looked pointedly at him. “No, on second thought, don’t answer that. But this has nothing to do with my ideas about women! I understand women!”

Both Athena and Artemis showed their avid disbelief at that statement but the hunter continued.

“I don’t have any proper clothes, I don’t know what this body is capable of! And what if I run into someone I know?”

“First of all,” Artemis began “Being a woman doesn’t mean you can’t fight.” In a flash of light Iolaus saw his sword and pack and other belongs materialize before him. “Pick up your sword.”

Very self-conscious Iolaus reached over to pick up his blade, finding the hilt somehow too big for his slender fingered hands.

“No!” The huntress snapped knocking the blade out of his hands. “Stop analyzing and just act on instinct and emotion. You’ll find that what women figure out through those two instantly is usually what it takes a man minutes to realize.”

“Don’t analyze, trust feelings, right.” The hunter repeated. Iolaus then took a deep breath and cleared his thoughts as he’d learned in the East and then just reached out and snatched up the blade and found that it comfortable once more in his hands, different but comfortable.

“But don’t think that women are flightily emotional creatures.” Athena warned “Women are usually much smarter than men, when given the opportunity to use those faculties instead of being stifled. Use your head! Just because your a woman doesn’t mean you can’t think.”

“Use my head, think, okay.” he agreed nodding.

“Also a fierce woman is one who is not abused. Be *in* control or be controlled.” Artemis advised.

“Remember also that the power of mediation and words can sometimes be the greatest weapon.” Athena put in.

“A woman can also be the greatest nurture and protector in the world. Respect that.”

“But we must also use our wits and cunning as well to thrive in this male dominated world.”

“Wait a second here!” Iolaus halted the flow of advice suddenly. This was too much. All of it was threatening to drown him. “How can I be all those things at the same time? They don’t fit together!”

“Of course they do!” Artemis scoffed at his ignorance.

“Women combined logic and emotion in perfect harmony denying neither part of their souls.” Athena explained. “Duality is the nature of the game. Dealing with expectations, limitations and hypocrisy from the outside world while balancing the inner world. Us goddesses portray each of these attributes if you haven’t guessed.”

At the sight of the hunter’s bewildered expression, Athena sighed and expanded “Look at the female aspects of immortals and then at the male. There is little variation in Zeus, Ares, Hades, Poseidon, Apollo and the rest. Power, respect, and brute force are their tools. While Artemis, Aphrodite, and yes even Hera have to use courage and instinct,” she gestured to her younger sister “love and sex, cunning and anger, and in my case wisdom and justice to receive the same place in the mortal world.”

Iolaus looked from one goddess to the other, confusion still evident in his eyes.

Athena smiled and assured him “Don’t worry, you’ll get the idea, trust me.”

“Now onto the matter of clothes.” Artemis put in somehow brightening her own glow to light up the grove in the early, early morning darkness. “Well anyone who see’s you in these clothes even if we close the vest will think you’ve been sleeping with . . . Iolaus” she finally said with a grin “and made off with his clothes.” she explained matter-of-factly.

“Any ideas?” Athena asked regarding the hunter with a keen eye.

“Well this is usually Aphrodite’s department, but she’s not the only one who can dress. Now hold still.” she warned Iolaus reaching out to touch him with a glowing hand.

Iolaus felt light and heat wash over his body and when he looked down he found himself dressed in soft brown breeches with high boots and a low belt for his quiver. For a top he now wore a deep rich purple sleeveless v-necked shirt that clung to him in certain places and was loose in others. His gauntlets were less bulky and matched the color of his breeches. His long hair was half piled on his head with a bewildering assortment of ties, while the other half curled down over the front of his shoulder. There was a weight around his neck but his amulet was missing. Before he could protest its loss he felt the loose torque around his throat and found it was the same cool stone feeling of the pendant somehow stretched and thinned and circled around like a necklace.

“Don’t worry, as soon as you bathe in the spring at my temple, you’re old clothes will return.” the huntress assured him.

Iolaus nodded his thanks and sheathed his also changed sword on his shoulder instead of his hip and picked up his lighter but bigger bow.

*Guess it’s not only the clothes that make me Iolaus but the weapons too. Ah well, better than anyone ever finding out about this.* He would never be able to live it down. Not in a million, million years!

“One word of caution.” Athena advised “The fewer people that know about this and the sooner you reach Artemis’ temple the easier the spell will be to remove and the safe you will be. Enchantments of this kind rely heavily on people’s perceptions and knowledge. The more people know that you are a women, the *realer* it will become.”

“Thanks Athena, Artemis.”

*I think!*

“Enjoy the journey Hunter!” Artemis said with a smile glancing at the early dawn sky as Iolaus shouldered his bow and pack and started out towards the path that lead to the road.

Athena and Artemis watched him go in silence until he was out of earshot. Then the huntress whispered: “How long do you think it will be before all Tartarus breaks loose?”

Athena gave an unladylike snort at the comment. “Since this is Iolaus we’re talking about I’d say he’s got half the morning a best.”

“Okay, okay, I can do this. I *can* do this.” Iolaus muttered to himself as he made his way along towards Corinth. “I mean how hard can it be?” he told himself flippantantly. “Women aren’t that complicated. I’ll just have to pretend a little, yeah, pretend.”

“Need someone to talk to little lady?” a deep yet familiar voice intruded on the hunter’s rambling.

“AHH! ” Iolaus jumped in surprise, whirling around to see Salmoneus standing there in a repulsively bright colored toga. “Ah, n-no Sal . . . I mean, sure, I-I . . .”

The trader blinked for a second. “How do you know my name?” he asked in a bewildered voice before leaning closer to stare into Iolaus’ blue eyes. “Have we met?”

“NO!” Iolaus denied and then took a deep breath to calm himself. “No, no we haven’t met. I just . . . know you by reputation.” the hunter finished lamely.

“Reputation?” the bearded man repeated dumbfounded for a second then a pleased and proud grin spreading over his features. “Reputation! Of course, I am a great salesman, know far and wide for the quality of my goods. Well, well, well reputation . . . hmm.”

Nodding agreement and smiling Iolaus backed away and turned to hurry down the road. Salmoneus pulled himself out of his thoughts and called after him hurrying to catch up. “Miss, hey, miss wait!”

“I really don’t have time for this. I have to be somewhere.” Iolaus explained ducking his head, blond hair falling in wisps over his blue eyes.

*Gods please! Don’t let him recognize me.*

“Well we seem to be heading in the same direction, and I might as well travel along with you to protect you of course. A delicate woman like you really shouldn’t travel alone.” Salmoneus expanded.

Iolaus hesitated midstep so suddenly that the rotund man practically bowled him over. Turning around incredulously he raised poked the salesman hard in the chest emphasizing every word. “ I do not need protection! I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”

“Of course you can!” Salmoneus agreed with a sweet smile he reserved for potential suckers, I mean customers and children, but Iolaus knew full well he was being patronized and opened his mouth to complain but then-.

*Aw this isn’t worth the effort! The sooner I’m at Artemis’s temple the better!*

Salmoneus took the silence to mean agreement and smiled broadly patting the hunter’s arm paternally. “Good then it is all settled. I’ll let you travel with me as far as Corinth. Maybe I’ll even let you help me with a business plan of mine.”

“*Let* me travel with you?” Iolaus sputtered indignantly pulling away. Gritting his teeth and swallowing his temper he took off down the road muttering.

“Need protection, ha! Delicate woman my eye! Business plan, oh no! Let me-”

Floundering the salesman finally caught up, ignored the evil looks the blond was sending him and asked conversationally “Tell me, do you know anything about music?”

Moaning loudly Iolaus couldn’t help but wonder why he was cursed.

Hercules smiled politely as the townspeople showered him with praises and gratitude over his victory over a motly group of thieves whom he had only frightened away, and hadn’t even seen. However the way things were the town had blown his accidental exploits into that of bardic ledged, With patients he endured the dinner and the speeches in his honor. For the most part he hated all the pomp that followed when he helped well off citizens, not that working villagers didn’t all but worship him but he preferred a festival to a banquet any day.

And he was sure Iolaus would agree if he were here. Not enough pretty girls, the demigod could almost hear the hunter’s lament. Hercules swallowed a smile and wished for the hundredth time that Corraeus Karputh would finish his stupid toast so he could sit down.

It was several hours before he finally pulled away from the rather opulent party and make his way along the road to Corinth and eventually to Thebes and home. *Maybe* he mused *I’ll stop by and say hello to Iph and Reina, see my nephew and wait for Iolaus to show up.*

With that thought firmly entrenched in his mind he began to murmur a song under his breath as he loped down the road.

Morning dawned with quiet beauty and Iolaus rolled to his feet and stumbled towards the waterskin hanging from a branch. Washing his face and shaking a few stray twigs out of his hair he looked down at his hands and body and sighed. What a day! Glancing over his shoulder he saw Salmoneus curled up in a tight ball next to the fire snoring contentedly.

The salesman had talked his ear off yesterday with plans about becoming something called an agent, something about promoting entertainment and getting paid for it or some other crazy idea. Iolaus had tried very hard to ignore him, keeping his answers short, eyes glued firmly to the ground just in case Sal recognized him.

Then when he tried to make camp, Salmoneus had decreed he knew the best spot and wouldn’t listen to anything the hunter had to say. Then the hunter had had to not only catch dinner but cook it, give the salesman his bedroll and his place by the fire because Salmoneus insisted the night air was wonderful for a woman’s skin.

“This has got to be the absolute worst fishing trip ever!” he complained softly at first to the sky, complained to the two immortals he knew were watching. “Why do you keep doing this to me? I mean, I’m not a bad person, I try and help people. And look what happens!” he began to fume now turning full circle yelling at the clouds “Just LOOK at the thanks I get!”

“Would you please keep your voice down?” a pouty voice asked from behind him. “Some of us are trying to sleep.”

“Sorry!” Iolaus apologized with a snarl gathering up his stuff and throwing dirt on the fire. “Sorry to disturb your beauty sleep but I have some place to be!”

“What about breakfast? Aren’t you going to cook?” The man asked incredulously at the blond’s show of temper.

“No! I’m not going to cook! I’m going to take my stuff and leave!”

“Listen miss, that attitude is not very becoming.” Salmoneus instructed sitting up. “I offer to let you travel with me, but I do expect some sort of assistance as repayment. If you ever want to be some man’s wife you’re going to have to be more gentle and considerate.”

“I am not going to be some man’s wife! DO you see this bow, this sword?” Iolaus gestured to his weapons. “I’m a hunter, I know how to take care of myself! I am not some helpless woman! I’m not even a woman at all!”

The second the words escaped his lips, Iolaus flushed bright read and covered his mouth with his hands.

*Oh Tartarus! Now I’ve blown it!*

Salmoneus rose to his feet and Iolaus waited for the laughter and the ridicule and the Fates only knew what else. The salesman advance slowly and took the hunter’s hand.

“How inconsiderate of me. I can see now that you’re only a very young girl trying to get home, probably frightened by all the wild animals and trying to be brave about it. Well” the man patted her hand “You don’t have to pretend with me little miss, I’ll see you get safely home to your mother.”

Iolaus’ jaw dropped and he shook his head in stunned denial by the wild leap of logic Salmoneus had just made.

*How in Hades does he come to these inane conclusions?*

“Now let’s hurry, we’ll have you home in Corinth by this evening.” He then began to clean up camp and get ready to continue walking. Iolaus stood there flabbergasted until Salmoneus prompted him to help.

The closer they got to Corinth the more crowded the road became with two-way traffic of people, carts, and wagons, a steady flow of people to and from the city. Iolaus found himself and Salmoneus pressed between a wine merchant, who was peddling his wares to the hot and thirsty travelers as he went, and his rowdy customers.

Not for the first time the blond hunter found himself shoved against a man who obviously hadn’t bathed in weeks who drunkenly grabbed him. Ducking quickly Iolaus backpedaled out of the way.

“Hey sweetie, come back here!” the man called reaching out and practically passing out then and there.

This was getting intolerable! Being pawed at was making him sick and more than a little angry, but here amidst the crowds he didn’t have much of an advantage in a fight. Desperately Iolaus looked above and through the towering forms of various soldiers and merchants and spotted a caravan of women and children traveling together, most likely out of safety. Quickly he darted through the crowd, avoiding what hands he could, leaving Salmoneus behind to fend for himself.

Pushing through the sea of humanity Iolaus struggled to make it through. Nearing the edge of the now broad road he felt a hand grasp his arm and yank him past a charioteer that would have flattened him without a second thought.

“Thanks.” he gasped trying to catch his breath with all the dust in the air. He looked up to see a strong woman in her mid forties with smile lines around her sad grey eyes.

“That’s all right dear.” she brushed off his thanks curtly, leading him along, not missing a beat in her stride towards Corinth. “We noticed you were trying to reach our little group and we’re only willing to help. Though next time, be more careful about where you position yourself and who you travel with young lady.” the woman scolded kindly.

“Yes ma’am.” Iolaus said nodding keeping pace with her.

“I’m Mari.” she introduced herself with a smile. “And these are my daughter Lyssa and Shandra,” she motioned towards the two beautiful redheads who sat on the cart right in front of them preparing an on the go lunch for the looks of it. He smiled and waved at them and they responded giggling each with their mother’s same grey eyes.

*Oh boy!* Iolaus thought with a grin which faded as suddenly as it came as reality crashed back down. Suppressing a moan he turned his attention back to Mari.

“My son Darien is driving.” she informed him proudly. “Over there,” she continued tossing her head behind her and to the right at the other people and wagons, “Are Jennia and her twin boys, and there is Martha and her father, now he was a blacksmith my dear. And behind us is Clenet and her children, Persia and Parvina, twin sister each with their children and their grandmother, and somewhere about is Arial and her younger brother Toran.”

“I don’t think I’ll be able to remember all of that.” Iolaus apologized with a smile.

“That’s all right dear, once we’re in Corinth things will be better anyhow.”

“Better than what?” Iolaus asked confused.

“Why better than back in Cyren of course!” she exclaimed surprise evident on her face. “Were you driven out as well?”

“Driven out?” Iolaus repeated even more bewildered. “All of you were driven out of your homes? Why? By whom?”

“I thought for certain you knew.” Mari explained, and yet to the hunter’s dismay did *not* explain. “But in Corinth things will be better, we’re staying at my brother-in-law’s inn, he’s been very kind to help us. And I invite you to join us dear, you obviously can’t go off on you’re own now.”

Iolaus blinked at the sudden change in subject. Sometime he found it so hard to follow the leaps that women made in conversation, though this one made much more sense than Salmoneus’.

“That’s very kind of you-” Iolaus began “But I have to-”

“But nothing.” Mari countered with a smile taking his arm in hers “Until you are in family or friend’s care you are my responsibility my dear. Just think of yourself as another daughter!”

Iolaus glanced back at Lyssa and Shandra who were laughing at some joke their brother had just told them. *Just another daughter.* Iolaus thought mournfully. *Why ME?*

Surprisingly the group made good time into Corinth and Iolaus soon found himself helping unload some of the necessities and carrying them up into Mari’s brother-in-law’s inn. He was a slight man next to Mari’s plumpness but obviously had a soft spot for the take-charge woman.

“Now dear, you can sleep in this room with my daughters,” Mari said loading him down with a washcloth and jug of water. “First, though scrub off some of that dirt and then come down and join us for a late lunch.”

Iolaus nodded his agreement laying down his weapons and was about to strip off his shirt when Lyssa and Shandra burst in. Both girls he noted, color rising in his cheeks also had water and washcloths.

Lyssa, with shorter red hair than he sister Shandra smiled shyly and moved over to one side of the tiny room. Shandra on the other hand started talking the moment she came in, in a faster version of her mother’s commanding speech.

*Honestly you couldn’t get a word in edgewise with these women even if you WEREN’T a man!* Iolaus though in amazement only half-listening to the girl go on and on until something caught his ears.

“-and then when Lyssa and I saw you stuck between Grissus and his brothers-- I was sure we left those scum behind --I just had to shutter! What were you doing there anyway? Why didn’t join the rest of us when we were forced out? Didn’t you know that we were going together?”

“Forced out? Who forced you out?” Iolaus queried hoping to get more concrete answers out of the daughter instead of the mother.

Shandra snorted at his ignorance. “By Karputh and his stuck up landowning snobs!”

“Karputh?” Iolaus echoed blankly.

“Don’t tell me you’ve never heard of him being from Cirra and all!” Shandra retorted.

“I’m not from Cirra.” Iolaus explained still confused. “Why would this Karputh force you and all the others off your land?”

“Because he has documents proving that the land was sold to him fair and square.” Lyssa’s voice broke in gently from behind him. Iolaus turned to look at her and immediately regretted it. Whirling back around to face Shandra he realize she too was beginning to strip.

Gapping the hunter held out a pleading hand to her. “Don’t DO that!”

She stopped clutching her dress just above her chest eyes wide in surprise. “Don’t do what? What’s wrong? You’ve turned bright red. Are you okay?” Shandra reached out with her hands to feel Iolaus’ forehead letting go of her dress in the process.

“AGGH!” Iolaus gasped backpedaling and nearly bumping into Lyssa behind him. Quickly Iolaus covered his eyes in embarrassment and mumbling, “I’m sorry, excuse me, please-” began a desperate dash for the door.

With a resounding slam the door shut on the two redheads who stared at each other in silent disbelief.

“What’s her problem?” Shandra asked with a laugh. “It’s not like she has anything to be embarrassed about!”

Lyssa cocked her head to one side thoughtfully, grey eyes distant, but did not answer.

“Hercules! Hercules!” a familiar voice called after the tall demigod as he made his way toward Corinth along the road. Sighing with exaggerated self-pity Hercules turned to face the man he knew would be standing behind him, wondering why the Fates couldn’t just leave him alone.

“Salmoneus. You’re looking . . .” the demigod searched for the right word as he took in the repulsive new outfit the older man had constructed “well.” he finally settled on.

“I’m not well, I’m not well at all.” the salesman countered frantically taking hold of Hercules’ gauntleted arm. “I was traveling with a lady-”

“Congratulations.” The taller man offered wondering what kind of woman would travel with Sal.

*Well it takes all types!* he thought suppressing a grin.

“No, no, no! Not that type of woman!” the rotund man denied angrily “A girl really, she was pretending to be a huntress and I found her on the road and decided to take her back to her parents in Corinth.” Salmoneus explained as they continued forward.

“Well where is she?”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!”

Hercules shook his head wondering if he had missed something. “Tell me what?”

“That she’s MISSING!” Sal exploded frustration evident. “We were walking along and then the wine merchant came along side and started selling and all these people came and somehow she got lost in the crowd-”

“Wait a minute.” Hercules silenced him expression darkening “A young woman surrounded by drunk men? Is that what you’re trying to say?”

Salmoneus hung his head and winced. “I screwed up big time. Who knows where she is now?” he wailed. “I’m going straight to Tartarus for this! Oh that poor, poor girl!”

Rolling his eyes, and frowning Hercules pulled the salesman along briskly towards Corinth. “Look I’ve got some time, I’ll go look for her.”

“You will?” Salmoneus said brightening.

*How do I get myself into these things?* the demigod thought with another sigh.

“Sure.” Hercules agreed. “Now tell me what she looks like and her name.”

“She has beautiful long think blond wavy hair, and sky blue eyes . . .”

Iolaus opted to wash outside in the trough the horses were being watered in. Scrubbing himself vigorously getting rid of the road’s dust he wasn’t even aware that he was being watched until he turned around and found himself facing a redheaded man, boy really, who was obviously Mari’s son.

“Hi!” Iolaus said with a smile holding out his hand to the boy. “You’re Mari’s son Darien right? You were driving the wagon.”

The young man swallowed and nodded, ears turning as red as his hair. The hunter blinked but didn’t say anything. *Must be the sun* he reasoned.

“Look I was wondering if you could explain some things to me about this Karputh guy who took you off of your land. Why did he do it?” Iolaus asked.

Darien seemed to recover himself and started washing his arms as he answered “It wasn’t so much Karputh as the man he hired. Every few days Grissus and his brothers would come by and ask us to sell our land, and we’d refuse. And every day he’d come back and offer less and less money and threaten my sisters, and us more and more.”

“Didn’t anyone stand up to him?”

Darien whirled around anger and shame evident in his eyes. “I stood up to him! I did everything I could to protect my mother, my sisters. But what would you know about that?” he scoffed.

“Whoa! Hold on there! I didn’t mean it like that!” Iolaus tried to forestall the outburst remembering to keep his temper in check. Obviously they’d all been through some rough times before finally coming to Corinth. “What about . . . your father, or any of these women’s husbands?”

The boy sighed, calming quickly from anger to despondency as he wiped his wet hands on his breeches. “There are no fighter’s in our part of town. All our father’s and older brothers were sent to the wars. When the orders come from Corinth or from someplace else to fill a quota of men it was always our part of town that got picked. There was no one . . . big enough” he admitted finally “left to stand up Grissus or his brothers. Karputh and Grissus forced us off claiming to have deeds of sale that none of us had signed.”

“Grissus.” Iolaus murmured remembering why that name sounded familiar.

*Didn’t Shandra mention me being stuck between Grissus on the road? That means he must be here in Corinth, and that means-*

Quickly grabbing hold of Darien’s arm. “Look tell your mother I’ve got to go somewhere but I’ll be back soon, hopefully with good news.”

The boy colored more visibly again and Iolaus had to wonder what was wrong with him. “Darien? Are you all right?”

The redhead sputtered and swallowed staring at the hunter’s hand on his arm.

“Darien?” Iolaus asked again, more worried now.

“M’fine.” came the strangled reply.

Iolaus smiled winningly. “Good!” he said thumping the boy on the back and turned off into the streets of Corinth completely oblivious to the puppy dog grey eyes that followed his every move.

Frustration building Hercules left yet another inn behind him as he continued his fruitless search. Salmoneus had already begged off and the demigod had sent him off to a dancing hall near the palace where he was sure the salesman could put another disastrous get-rich-quick plan into action.

The mysterious girl however was nowhere to be found. Corinth was full to over flowing being in the middle of a rather delicate trade negotiation between the Phoenicians and the Amazons. His brother Iphicles had his hands so full rumor had it he’d sent for Jason, former king of Corinth ,to help over the next days of negotiation.

Dusk was already falling as the Fates or perhaps two still giggling goddesses guided Hercules to Trion’s inn where Mari and the others were staying.

The skinny innkeeper didn’t even look up from his scrolls when he announced that they were full for the evening. “I don’t want a room.” Hercules informed him politely. “I’m looking for someone a blond lady in hunter’s clothes with blue eyes.”

This brought the innkeeper’s head up and smiling he called out to the stairs above him. “Mari! A gentleman is asking after your newest charge!”

“Coming Trion!” Down the steps descended a plump woman with a commanding matronly presence about her. She crossed her arms and looked the demigod up and down as if inspecting horseflesh before finally nodding him a greeting.

“Are you family?” Mari asked bluntly.

“No,” Hercules admitted turning to face her more completely. “She was traveling with a friend of mine and he lost her in the crowd and wanted me to make sure she was all right.”

The woman snorted. “Whoever your friend was he certainly didn’t know how to keep that young lady safe. What was the idea of traveling next to the wine merchant’s cart?”

“I don’t know ma’am, but-”

“Honestly! Despite all the freedom men claim women have, we still must be careful in what situation we place ourselves in. What sort of idiot puts his charge in the middle of drunken men, I ask you! Luck for me my daughters saw her and she saw us, let me tell you!”

“I understand but I-”

“And if you think I’m relinquishing her into this man’s care you must be joking. She needs to be with family, young man! Not some half brained idiot who doesn’t know the safe environment for a traveling woman!”

“Listen!” Hercules finally broke in taking control of this runaway conversation before the woman could scold his ears off. “I just wanted to make sure she was all right. It is obvious she is in the best of care.”

“Well.” Mari pulled back with a smile. “I’m Mari.” she said finally introducing herself.

“I’m Hercules.” He replied.

The woman went pale for a second and behind him he hear Trion gasp. “Oh I’m so sorry!” the matron flustered. “I’m so sorry I spoke to you of all people so!”

“No harm done.” the demigod countered slightly embarrassed by the change in tone.

“Oh no, of course! Here I am talking my head off like you were some ruffian and here you are coming to look after this girl you don’t even know. That is just so good of you. And with your brother as the king of Corinth and all the great things you’ve done you take the time to come all the way here to check up on a missing child. I wish to apologize again. Let me call her down so you can see for yourself how she is!”

Mari climbed the stairs with the agility of a woman half her age. Hercules sat down at one of the tables in the common room and waited. He didn’t have to wait long because the woman thundered back down the stairs talking a mile a minute followed by two redheads, one just as talkative as the mother by the sound of it.

“Darien!” Mari called and Hercules saw another redhead bound into the room. What followed was a conversation so overlapping the demigod could only watching in amazement, how they could all understand each other was beyond him.

Finally just as the noise began to abate several other of the inn’s residents came in children, young and old women, and an old man all wanting to know what was going on.

Hercules was beginning to get a headache when the sound of voices and arguing began to die and Mari came up to him wringing her hands together and clucking like a worried mother hen.

“She’s gone!” she wailed.

“Gone where?”

“She must have gone after Grissus after my son and daughter told them about him and his brothers.”

“Grissus? Who’s Grissus?” The demigod asked totally lost.

*Trust an adventure started by Salmoneus to become more complicated than anything else and more trouble than it was worth!* He thought with a tired sigh.

“Oh never mind who!” one of the redheaded women put in. “You’ve got to find her. If she went of and confronted them she could be in big trouble.”

“That is just so brave of her!” A brunette mused aloud cradling her child. “We help her out and she sacrifices herself to the pit of Tartarus itself for us. It’s like a tragedy!”

“She’s a strong enough gal to take care of herself. She’s got Artemis’ blessing, I can see that.” The old man put in nodding sagely. “Perhaps she’s even a gift of salvation from the gods.”

“I’m going after her!” another voice piped up with authority that was ruined by a cracking voice. Darien flushed and repeated himself more softer this time. “I’m going after her. I should never have put such thoughts into her head.”

“I’m going too! You don’t get to have all the fun!” a scrawny black haired boy countered. “I’m going to cream Grissus and his stupid smelly brothers.”

“What about me Toran?” a girl the same raven tresses put in angrily. “A girl can fight as good as a boy! Maybe she doesn’t even NEED help!”

“Of course dearest!” a regal old woman agreed with a pat. “We can fight just as well as men.”

Hercules could turn his head this way and that desperately trying to follow this inane conversation. He supposed it would make more sense if he knew the particulars but at the moment the whole party had degenerated back into some deep personal conversation in which everyone talked at once but somehow everyone hear and knew enough to respond.

Rubbing his forehead he sighed. This was not his day at all.

Someone tapped him on the shoulder and there stood Trion smiling apologetically. The innkeeper led him out of the building. “I’m sorry Hercules, they’ve lived together all their lives, explaining things isn’t there way. They just assume you know. What is insanity to the rest of us, makes perfect sense to them.”

“I was beginning to wonder.” Hercules admitted with a smile.

“If she’s headed after Grissus then she’d probably go to one of the seedier taverns in Corinth.”

“Thanks Trion.” the demigod responded slapping the man on the back and heading off.

Iolaus had asked around, paid a few dinars here and there before reaching his destination: The Laughing Cat.

The hunter was not impressed by the name but he was impressed by the sight. The tavern had to be the filthiest, rowdiest, roughest place he’d seen outside Athens low side. He didn’t think a dive like this existed in Corinth.

*Oh well* he reminded himself *You’ve been in worse places. Just remember Iolaus* he told himself *Image is everything!*

Unconcerned and totally confident Iolaus jauntily pushed his way past stunned drunken patrons into the tavern.

Eyes adjusting to the darkness the raucous music died as he entered, and the patrons, some in the middle of killing one another froze too and stared at the hunter. Within seconds the Laughing Cat was silent.

Iolaus smiled and drew himself up proudly. *What an entrance* he thought to himself with pride. *I sure do get attention when I want it!*

And then he suddenly remembered how he must look and Iolaus swallowed once, suddenly unnerved by all the stares that bored through him. This was NOT the type of attention he wanted though, he thought with a moan. So much for an impressive and authoritative entrance! He’d be lucky if he’d get out alive!

Pulling himself together quickly remembering that he wasn’t helpless just because he now looked it. He reached for his sword and realized anxiously that he had left them in the room at the inn when he’d escaped the two bathing beauties.

*Two days as a woman and I completely loose my head!* he cursed himself and then he called out as strongly as he could. “Where’s Grissus?”

The crowd parted, several fights broke up and everyone watched and leered in silence. In the corner at a table sat five brothers obviously each uglier and drunker than the last.

But not so drunk that they didn’t remember Iolaus from the road into Corinth.

The leader, Grissus rose unsteadily to his feel, more bulk and beef than anything else, intimidating but nothing special and grinned possessively at the hunter who tried not to be sick at the sight.

“Well sweetie, this is a surprise! Ya’ changed yer mind! Come join the party! I’m sure me and my brother’s’ll show you a good ole time.”

“Sorry buster! I’m not here for the company, I just came for information regarding a little land transaction you carried out in Cirra with a man named Karputh.”

Blearily the man’s eyes narrowed and he spat expressively on the floor. “Are you one of those stupid peasant women? You wenches just don’t have the brains to quit! Too featherbrained to know better.”

Iolaus clenched his fists blue eyes burning cold with anger over the insult not only to himself but to his companions back at the inn.

“Watch your mouth fatso. At least women don’t let the wrong part of our body do the thinking!” the hunter snarled in retort.

The tavern oohed and murmured at that and Iolaus could see money change hands as bets were being made. He idly wondered what the odds were on him in this form but his attention was quickly returned to the matter at hand.

“You need a lesson in respect girly.” Grissus spat motioning for his brother’s to stand behind him as he clenched his fists. “You need a man to show you your place.”

“If I did, would be kind enough to find me a man?” Iolaus taunted with sarcastic sweetness. “I’m afraid I only see pigs and chickens in here!”

Roaring like a wounded bull Grissus charged. Iolaus sidestepped bringing down his arm in a chopping motion on the man’s shoulders dropping him to his knees. However it was far from over. In drunken rage the four other brother’s smashing chairs and mugs to make weapons charged in after their leader towards Iolaus.

The sounds of the fight and curses vivid enough to make a soldier blush echoed down the alley as Hercules dodged weaving men on his way to the Laughing Cat. Pushing aside some escaping customers he entered the tavern to find it a deplorable mess of furniture and people. The band played some lively off-key song as screams and catcall filled the air. In the dim light he could make out a blond figure of a woman suicidally taking on five huge men.

Wasting no time the demigod joined the fight, not to help the girl win it but to grab hold of the crazy blond and drag her out of there before she killed herself.

Yanking away one of the smelly men he dodged a weak punch from the man and threw him aside. Pushing through the rest of the fray he reached out for the girl.

Iolaus’ blood had risen and he fought furiously cursing at the top of his lungs. He’d gotten the information but he was too angry to make any sort of escape. The bastards just had to pay! He didn’t realize that his partner was there, so intent he was in slamming Grissus’ face into the table. He also didn’t realize another one of the brothers was swinging at him with a table leg until it connected with a glancing blow to the back of the head.

Dazed Iolaus let got of Grissus’ greasy hair and staggered, barely remaining on his feet when he felt someone take hold of him and sling him over their shoulder like a sack of grain. Still swearing up a blue streak, the hunter pounded and kicked furiously at his captor, refusing to be taken prisoner by these disgusting men.

Finally a frustrated voice intruded on his dizzy consciousness. “Hold still for Zeus’ sake! I’m trying to help!”

*He knew that voice!* Iolaus thought with a jerk that brought him almost upright in the demigod’s arms just as Hercules was ducking out of the tavern.

Iolaus’ head connected with the doorframe with a thunk.

Stars exploded in the hunter’s brain and he fell limply into blackness.

Hercules pushed his way out of the Laughing Cat relieved that their girl had finally stopped swearing and hitting him. Not that it hurt, but it was distracting and disconcerting. Ignoring the stares of many of the escaped patrons the demigod quickly left the area in search of a more hospitable setting.

Iolaus first became aware that his head hurt. Groaning in pain he turned his head slightly and felt the feel of linen rub against his cheek. Breathing in deeply the smell of leather and something distinctly masculine he thought very hard, trying to figure out why this was so very familiar. Finally forcing his eyes open he saw yellow, light yellow shadowed by his long blond hair.

*Hercules* his mind informed him gently and Iolaus, remembering the tavern fight, moaned again, more out of disgust and anger rather than pain.

“Hercules, let me down.” Iolaus mumbled as loudly as he could as he struggled under the uncomfortable grip. “Herc, I can walk just fine, let me down.”

Hercules thought for a moment he heard his name and hesitated as the woman in his arms began to move. However, given her rather fiery temperament he ignored her muffled words, obviously more curses on his parentage and hurried towards the inn. The less time he spent with this hellion the better.

“Herc? Are you listening?” Iolaus asked, angry now as he remembered more clearly what had happened. “Let Me DOWN!”

That last command was all but howled and the demigod had to concede when he noted that more than a few people were staring at him, and not kindly either.

Moving over to the side of a building under a torch’s light he eased the girl off his shoulder. She immediately pulled away and would have fell flat on her face if he hadn’t caught her.

“Easy, it’s all right. You’ve just got a couple of lumps on your . . .” Hercules trailed off, he couldn’t help it. The swearing hissing little wildcat was stunningly beautiful. Silky blond hair flew everywhere and hung over blue within blue eyes. Hercules couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen such golden features and provocative, but modestly covered figure.

Swallowing he waited for her to speak, watching anxiously as she regained her equilibrium and looked up at him with wide, slightly unfocused sapphire eyes.

“Just . . . just what did you think you were doing?” she demanded with a lyrical low voice.

Hercules pulled back at the harsh tone, slightly confused. But before he could respond she continued, groggily putting a hand up to rub the back of her head gingerly.

“I coulda handled them you know!”she informed him indignantly “ Don’t you have *any* faith in me Herc?”

Bewildered by her use of his childhood nickname the demigod asked “Have we met?”

But the woman wasn’t listening. “There were only five of them! I know how to handle five drunken lowlifes. I’ve been in rougher places, you know that! Why did you pull me out of there?!”

“You were unarmed and they were going to kill you!” Hercules responded completely lost as to the direction this conversation was taking.

“Listen here Mr. Mighty Son of Zeus,” she said eyes narrowing dangerously poking the demigod in the chest for emphasis. “I was trying to get information out of them and since when do I need a weapon? I’ve taken you on without them!”

“You have?” Hercules sputtered trying to remember if he’d ever met this woman in his life and if she’d ever beaten him at hand-to-hand combat.

*Surely I’d remember that! Especially if the someone looked like her!*

Taking a deep breath he remembered her head injury and attempted to calm her. “Listen miss, you’ve been hit on the head, I don’t think you understand what is going on here.”

Fuming, the blond stamped her foot in fury. “Don’t patronize me Herc! I’m perfectly capable of . . .” She trailed off eyes going wide in disbelief as clarity filled her head.

“Herc,” she began slowly “Did you just call me *miss?*”

Before the demigod could follow the blond’s jump in subject, and the use of the familiar name, let alone answer, she let out a scream of horror that made Hercules jump about three feet before she collapsed to the ground.

Hercules blinked, and then blinked again wondering if this was some crazy dream he was having. The world remained as it was and the demigod had to admit that this was real, he was stuck in Corinth with a loony but beautiful blond that talked to him as if she knew him intimately. Picking up her limp form in his arms, and thinking not nice things about Salmoneus with every step, he made his way to his brother’s palace and the healer there.

Jason and Iphicles greeted him in the anteroom the guards had led Hercules to. They’d expected he’d be alone and were surprised to see he had brought someone with him. A very stunning someone.

“No, no, no” Jason began, not bothering to hide a smile. “Don’t tell me, let me guess. You told her who you were and she fainted dead away.”

Hercules shot his friend and step-father a dirty look and then one at Iphicles who was laughing behind his hand.

“This was the girl Salmoneus lost on the road, that I’ve been chasing for hours!” The demigod groaned sitting down, girl still cradled in his arms. “I finally tracked her to an inn full of crazy people but she obviously had the sense to escape from them! I found her in a tavern called the Laughing Cat fighting five drunks completely unarmed swearing so loudly you could hear her a league away!. She took a slight blow to the head.” Hercules explained in a trying tone. “I tried to get her out and she took offense to that.”

“So you knocked her out?” Iphicles asked in amazement.

“No! Of course not!” Hercules denied indignantly “She was a . . . little confused, All right, she was completely out of her head!” He amended with frustration. “She was cursing and fighting and kicking like a cat out of Tartarus, and THEN she thought she knew me, and called me ‘Herc’ and she started yelling at me, then she just screamed and fainted.”

“That’s a new reaction.” The king of Corinth remarked dryly as Jason turned away trying hard to stifle his laughter.

“Well never let it be said you don’t have a way with women!” Jason guffawed.

“Look, could you please send a note to Salmoneus and to Trion’s Inn and let them know she’s fine, but to stay where they are? I don’t think I can take one more thing tonight!”

“Of course brother, I’ll call Reina and the physician. We’ll have her feeling better and out of you’re hair soon enough.” Iphicles assured him slapping him on the shoulder.

“You make her sound as if she were a hydra Hercules. How difficult can one woman be?” Jason put in with a chuckle.

“You have no idea!” Hercules put in with a long suffering sigh.

Iolaus awoke feeling more comfortable than he had in days. Stretching like a cat under the warm blankets he snuggled deeper into the pillows and sighed with pleasure. He would have gone right back to sleep when he felt something tickle his nose. Grimacing in irritation he moved to brush the offending hair out of his face only to get his fingers tangled in the length of it. Opening his eyes he stared in bewilderment at his hand and hair and then it all came crashing back down on him.

Flopping back on the bed he couldn’t help but think evil evil thoughts about Artemis and Athena. This was all their fault of course. Now, by the looks of things he was at the palace in Corinth. Hercules must have brought him there, Iolaus figured. Concentrating he tried to remember if he’d said anything to give himself away to his half immortal friend, but the memories were too fuzzy, all he remembered was that he’d been pulled out of the fight at the Laughing Cat.

*But at least I got the information!* The hunter thought brightening. Pushing back the covers, plans forming in his mind to get back at that Karputh snob and return Mari and her friend’s to their land, Iolaus stopped suddenly realizing he was wearing nothing more than a shift and not a covering one at that.

Quickly he glanced about for his clothes, but they were conspicuously missing despite the fact that his weapons and bedroll were placed in a far corner of the guest room.

*Well* Iolaus thought *I just have to some clothes, find Grissus again, if the coward hasn’t run back to Karputh already and solve this whole mess BEFORE anyone else I know sees me like this!.*

However the hunter’s plans were put on hold indefinitely when Queen Reina entered the room like a breeze.

“Oh, you’re awake! That’s wonderful! I was beginning to worry. You slept around the sundial.” the dark-haired regally dressed queen said with a smile.

Suddenly at a complete loss of how to respond Iolaus fidget nervously before reminding himself that she was royalty and he was still a peasant. He began to bow and then realized he was suppose to curtsy or something like that. Biting his lip Iolaus bobbed down awkwardly nearly falling when Reina’s hand steadied him.

“That’s all right, you don’t have to curtsy.” she allowed graciously ignoring the fact that as far as curtsy’s go it was an unmitigated disaster. “Since you certainly know who I am, may I ask your name? Would you believe that Hercules went hunting for you without even knowing?” Reina laughed. “Men!” she announced as if that explained everything.

Iolaus smiled weakly in return.

“Well, you can introduce yourself properly at dinner tonight. I brought you some clothes, your other’s are in being laundered after your little . . . problem at the tavern.” Reina put in carefully with a raised eyebrow.

Iolaus took the pile of cloth from the queen’s arms unwrapping it and trying to figure out how in Zeus’ name he was supposed to put this thing on.

*Oh gods! Not a dress! I am not wearing a dress in front of everyone!*

Luckily Reina was too busy explaining dinner plans to notice the hunter’s confusion and misery.

“I know the dress is a bit fancy, but we have the Phoenicians still visiting. The Amazon’s left earlier this morning, but some other local dignitaries wished to come and pay their respects to the Phoenicians after the successful trade alliance.” Iolaus looked up suddenly hopeful. “Local dignitaries from around Corinth?”

“Why yes.” Reina said noting the blond’s sudden interest. “Do you think someone you know will be there?”

Reina, I mean your majesty,” Iolaus corrected himself in a hurry. “The men that were at the tavern, the men I was fighting, do you know where they are?”

“My husband and his brother Hercules had them put in the dungeon for disturbing the peace. Tomorrow morning they will be released. Is there something wrong?”

“No, no, nothing is wrong.” Iolaus put in with a dazzling smile, as he tried to put on the dress, all of a sudden not caring what he wore to the damn dinner.

Reina watched as the blond young woman tried and failed to figure out how to wear the outfit with a little humor and some worry.

Iolaus finally noticed his audience and smiled weakly. “Sorry,” he began lamely, “I more used to breeches. I usually don’t . . . wear dresses.”

Reina glanced over to the bow in the corner of the room and remember that the woman was most likely a huntress, a favorite of Artemis perhaps. Suspicions eased she said, “I’ll send in a maid to help you.”

“Thanks your majesty.” Iolaus said trying to not look so relieved that he was being believed.

Half an hour later, stunned that it took so long to just get dressed, Iolaus opened his chamber door and peered out cautiously into the corridor. Seeing that the coast was clear, Iolaus got his bearings quickly and decided to head up to the upper level and check to see if that lowlife Karputh was present before going to get Grissus and have him confess all in front of Iphicles. It might ruin the party, but it would clear out the scum from Cirra and get Mari, her daughters, and her friend’s their land back.

Tucking his hunting knife in the only place he could wearing this dress, he made his way stealthily down the corridor and up the stairs. Peaking down through the curtains of the darkened upper council hall at the banquet which had just started he could make out Iphicles and Reina dressed in Corinth’s colors of blue and silver. Also in the crowd he made out Jason and Alcmene and what obviously was the Phonetician party.

The hunter scanned the crowd looking for someone who matched Grissus’ description of Karputh. Finally over by a servant carrying wine he saw the extravagantly and richly dressed pompous middle-aged man who was balding at the back and had obviously dyed his greying hair black.

Grinning over his success, he backed away from the balcony’s edge and ran into something firm behind him that gently grabbed hold of his arm. Whirling around in fright, but ready to fight Iolaus made out the familiar figure of his best friend in the torchlight.

Gasping and placing a hand over his heart Iolaus glared at the demigod, for an instant forgetting his position and all but yelling: “Don’t ever do that to me again!”

“Sorry.” Hercules said with a grin in the darkness. “I was on my way to escort you to the banquet.”

“That’s . . .um very nice of you.” Iolaus thanked him quickly ducking his head, hoping the lack of light would keep the demigod from recognizing him.

“I don’t think we’ve been . . . properly introduced.” the demigod put in careful remembering how easily the night before, his name had come from the blond’s lips “I’m Hercules.”

“I’m Io-I . . .” swallowing and stuttering, the hunter spoke the first female name that came to his mind. “Ilea. I’m Ilea.”

Hercules hesitated for a moment obviously remembering, and Iolaus felt more than a little guilty for using his friend’s precious dead daughter’s name.

“Ah- it was nice meeting you, but I’m really very tired, why don’t you go on without me?” Iolaus explained quickly circling around Hercules and heading towards the door. “Go on and enjoy yourself, bye!”

Iolaus all but dashed out of the room and down the corridor, kilting up his skirts so that he didn’t trip.

Hercules watched Ilea go for a moment wondering if that bump on the head hadn’t done more serious damage than the physician had said. Hurrying he followed her, catching up with her at the top of the stairs that led to the lower storerooms and dungeons.

“Where do you think you’re going?” He asked stopping her with a hand on her shoulder. “Are you sure you’re all right, you passed your room back there; this leads down to the dungeons.”

“Look, Hercules,” Iolaus began wondering how in Tartarus he was going to pull this off with the demigod shadowing him everywhere. “I just have to take care of some . . . stuff.”

“Stuff.” Hercules repeated nodding his head and folding his arms looking at Ilea like she was some disobedient yet adorable child.

“Yeah, stuff. I’ve got something to do, you know . . . women things,” Iolaus put in desperately hoping to scare him away. “So if you’ll just go-”

Suddenly it dawned on Hercules why Ilea would head here. “You’re after the men form the tavern.” he stated. “Look I don’t know what they did to you, but I’m sure if you want, King Iphicles will listen and punish them appropriately.”

There was a long weighted silence before: “It’s not that simple.” Iolaus finally said.

“Then why don’t you come upstairs with me, we’ll get something to eat and you can explain it to me.” Hercules offered. “I can help too.”

“Well . . .” Iolaus began. He was *hungry* and maybe he could find out more about this Karputh guy, and maybe Hercules could help. *Not,* Iolaus told himself a little proudly *that I can’t handle it myself just because I’m stuck in a woman’s body!*

Bringing himself upright Iolaus conceded with a nod and began heading for the banquet hall, Hercules following, shaking his head in wonder, behind her, not catching the faint laughter behind him.

Artemis and Athena watched in helpless giggles as the hunter and his oblivious friend made there way up to the banquet.

“Three to one, he doesn’t make it through the appetizers.” Artemis said holding out her hand..

“You’re on.” Athena said grasping it tightly in return.

Reaching the doors of the banquet hall Hercules finally caught up to Ilea. She could really move fast for one so small. Sort of like Iolaus in that respect, he thought idly. Coming up beside her Hercules linked her arm with his, ready to escort her into the hall when the guard announced their names.

Ilea however, drew back as if his touch was poisonous. “Just what in Tartarus do you think you’re doing?!” she all but roared, but before the demigod could answer Ilea covered her mouth in shock and began to apologize. “I’m sorry Hercules, I’m just not . . . um-- not used to being around people.”

*Oooo-kay.* Hercules thought to himself.

*Gods that was a close one!* Iolaus moaned to himself. *One mores slip and he’ll either recognize me or think I’m totally insane!*

“I would be . . .happy if you would escort me.” Iolaus forced out. It sounded to Hercules as if she was being strangled and he had to grin.

“I’m not that bad company, am I Ilea?”he asked teasingly.

Iolaus shook her head, “No, no, I’m bad company. I just don’t get all this etiquette suff.” she confessed.

“Really?” Hercules asked in surprise. “I always thought women loved these things, all the ceremony and dressing up, having your meal be delivered in pieces, the dancing, the speeches--”

“Well some of us don’t Her--Hercules!” Iolaus countered hotly feeling the charade already staining his taunt nerves. “Some of us haven’t eaten in days and really don’t know the first thing about all this royal behavior!”

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to offend you.” The demigod put in hands raised in defeat. “Nothing wrong with being nervous. Most of the people here don’t have much in the way of personalities and they need to cover it up with something. Good manners and pride seem to be the two methods of choice.” Then half bowing he extended his arm again. “May I escort you Ilea?”

*Artemis, Athena* Iolaus prayed threateningly *If he falls in love with me, immortal or not, I’m killing you BOTH!*

Cautiously Iolaus took the offered arm as any man would. Hercules smiled and reversed the grip. It felt really awkward and Iolaus tried very hard not to fidget as the doors of the great hall opened and they descend down the steps.

It was an entrance to die for.

Iolaus only wondered if he was really in Tartarus and this was his eternal punishment.

The musicians stopped playing, and people looked up from what they were doing, stopped talking, stopped eating, stopped dancing and watched the radiant pair descend the stairs.

Hercules was wearing formal attire that his mother Alcmene had ordered the palace tailors to make for him months ago so he’d actually have something to wear at these formal occasions. Soft breeches, new boots, and a tunic and long sleeveless coat; all made of this soft splendidly cut material with a sash around the waist.

It was enough to take a woman’s breath away.

Iolaus however hardly noticed, but everyone else noticed her.

Her dress was a seafoam blue color that tailored at the waist and fell in thick rich folds to her sandaled feet where it moved like the water itself, showing more or less leg with ever step. Around her neck she still wore the dragon torque but otherwise she had no other ornaments on the sleeveless gown. She didn’t need them with her hair flowing freely down her back in a tumulus wave of gold. The outfit was stunning in its simplicity.

And men couldn’t help but gawk.

Hercules included.

Ilea was a dazzlingly beautiful woman.

King Iphicles and Queen Reina rose to greet their arrival warmly.

Hercules bowed and Iolaus, who’d had the maid help him practice, stopped thinking so hard and let his body take over and curtsied perfectly.

“That wasn’t so hard, now was it?” Hercules asked quietly out of the corner of his mouth, smile tugging at his lips.

“You have no idea.” Ilea shot back darkly.

Introductions out of the way, Iolaus pulled her arm away as surreptitiously as she could and hungrily searched with his eyes for food. Spying dinner, the hunter began to make a beeline for the tables when he and Hercules were suddenly swamped with guests.

His quest for sustenance halted, Iolaus could only moan and try to keep his stomach quiet as the introductions continued.

Noblemen, and women surrounded the two of them and Iolaus tried to pay attention to the conversation around him, but it was really hard with all the delicious smells wafting about the banquet hall. That and watching the ogling stares of the men was enough to ruin his appetite

“Hercules it is an honor to meet you.”

“And who is your charming companion?”

“The trade provisions would never have been settled without you.”

“I hear about your exploits in Mycena, how did you defeat the swamp monster?”

“That gown is to die for! Who is your tailor?”

“Hmm?” Iolaus said looking away from the tables distractedly. “I’ll have some of the roast please.”

The gaggle of guests surrounding them fell into a stunned silence at this offbeat, completely irrelevant comment. Hercules, raising an eyebrow, quickly excused himself and Ilea and pulled her over to their seats shaking his head in humourous amazement.

“You really meant it when you said you don’t do well around people do you?” he murmured.

Iolaus blushed realizing he’d made yet another mistake. “I’m hungry.” he said in his defense. “And I bet you’re hungry too. And I also bet that you were just as bored around all those people as I was.”

“Well, um . . . yeah.” Hercules admitted embarrassed that it was that evident to a complete stranger as the circled around the dance floor.

“Well you should be grateful we got away!” The hunter put in punching him on the arm. “We might have spent all evening surrounded by those boring people and never gotten anything to eat! Anyways, if one more man looks at me as if I was the main course I’m going to kill em.”

Silently Hercules wondered where in Hades this girl came from.

Equally pensive Iolaus wondered if they’d be serving ladies first and then he’d finally get *something* out of this whole blasted spell.

The music was picking up to a more upbeat song when they finally reached their seats so Iolaus wasn’t really aware that Hercules had pulled the chair out to seat him until he practically fell over the thing.

Scowling up at the demigod with a fierce blush coloring her fair face Iolaus said “Next time *warn* me when you’re going to do that!”

“No one’s ever held a chair out for you.” Hercules stated with surprise.

“No! Usually I have enough strength to do it for myself.” she hissed in sarcastic response.

*This is really strange. SHE’S really strange!* Hercules mused as he took his seat. *She has more mood swings than the gods do! One minute she talks to me like she’s my older sister and the next she’s angry and almost . . . embarrassed?* the demigod snorted at the thought. *Embarrassed? Her? Never!*

*This is the most ridiculous, humiliating, horrible experience in my entire LIFE!* Iolaus seethed inwardly. *Men leering at me like I was some thing instead of a person. Hercules escorting me, ESCORTING me into a banquet, taking my arm, holding out chairs . . . If he asks me to dance I’m leaving. Leaving immediately, getting out of this ridiculous drafty dress!*

“They make such a lovely couple.” Alcmene mused with a smile as she took a sip of wine from her goblet.

Jason looked over at the table where the two figures sat in stoney silence and smirked at his wife. “Sure they do. They look about ready to kill one another.”

“Oh, how can you say that.” She scolded gently. “Let’s go join them.” *Finally!* Jason thought excusing himself to the minglers *Enough with the talking! I’m starving!*

Hercules saw his mother and Jason approach and rose to greet them along with Ilea. Iolaus smiled glad to see Alcmene looking so well and happy. It had been almost half a year since he’d last visited her and he had missed her. And her cooking he thought stomach grumbling.

“Mother, Jason this is Ilea.” The demigod introduced the blond by his side. “Ilea, this is my mother Alcmene and her husband and my friend Jason.”

Before he could remember not to Iolaus reached out and took Jason’s wrist in a firm warriors grasp. The former king of Corinth blinked and gave Hercules a bemused look.

Catching the glance, Iolaus paled and pulled back quickly. *Damn it! What is it with all this protocol all of a sudden? I never had this trouble at Corinth before!*

Luckily for Iolaus, dinner was served with the chiming of gong. Alcmene sat next to the hunter Jason on her other side and patted her hand with a smile.

“I heard you were in a tavern fight.” Alcmene began as she took a sip of her wine.

Hercules leaned closer, curiosity nagging at him on that topic as well. “Why were you at the Laughing Cat, Ilea? No offense but that doesn’t seem to be the type of establishment you would visit.”

“Well,” Iolaus began taking a large helping of the roast platter that past by. “The people I was traveling with, the ones at Trion’s inn? Well they’re from Cirra and were bullied and then forced off their land with faulty deeds. The men at the tavern were the bullies and I wanted to find some answers. Since Mari and her friends had been so helpful to me I wanted to repay them.”

“That was very brave.” Alcmene murmured.

“That was very foolish.” Hercules put in angrily feeling protective of this woman that was as unfamiliar as she was familiar and somehow annoyed that she’d been taking such a risk. Shaking his head he tried to dislodge the feeling.

*Get a grip Herc! You’ve only known her a few minutes. Stop lecturing her like-like you’ve known her forever. Like she was your kid sister.* He all but snorted on that thought. He’d never met anyone like her and certainly couldn’t imagine being related to the little firebrand *But then why is she so familiar?*

“Foolish? To want to help?” Iolaus put in indignantly, but not so much as to miss snagging some fruit and cheese off a passing platter..

“You could have had them petition the king or their magistrate or their mayor. You could have been killed. That head wound could have been very serious.”

“Hercules is right.” Jason put in from Alcmene’s side. “That’s not something you want to take into your own hands.”

“Are you saying I can’t handle myself?” The hunter responded blue eyes snapping coldly and narrowing.

“What we’re saying,” Hercules countered “Is that there are other options than plowing forward eyes closed, headfirst, kicking and screaming into trouble. Local authorities could have handled it if you’d of asked.”

“So what you do for a living,” Iolaus began sarcasm dripping as he snagged a hunk of fresh bread to top the mountainous plate of food before him. “Just waltzing from town to town pounding monsters, helping people by wiping the floors of their enemies-- that’s totally different?”

“She does have a point Hercules.” Alcmene agreed.

“No she doesn’t mother. It is totally different. Jason knows as well as I do,” the demigod gestured to the former king of Corinth who nodded his support. “What I do is helping people-”

“That’s what I was *trying* to do-” The hunter put in unfolding his napkin.

“-not only using my fists,” Hercules continued shooting the blond a frustrated look.

“-until *someone* interrupted me!” Iolaus continued filling his goblet with wine.

“But by using my head, and-”

“I was doing just fine on my own thank you very much!” Iolaus finished scathingly and then started searching for a knife.

“And talking to-to people . . .?” Hercules trailed off as he watched Ilea who finding no knife had been placed by her plate reached down the front of her dress and pulled out a sharp hunting knife and speared a piece of roast with gusto.

Meat halfway to his mouth, Iolaus realized that Jason and Hercules were staring at him with rather stunned expressions on their faces. Alcmene was trying to stifle a giggle, her cheeks red with the effort.

“What? What is it?” Iolaus asked suddenly worried about what great taboo he’d broken now.

*I just don’t get it. I act like as Iolaus but because I’m a woman it’s all wrong and they think I’m nuts!*

“Ilea dear,” she put in carefully trying to figure out what to say. “Keeping a knife in the front of your dress isn’t very . . .”

“Safe.” Jason inserted loudly for his flustered wife.

“The knife *keeps* me safe and . . . well, where else am I to carry a knife in this getup?” Iolaus groused.

“See that’s the problem.” Hercules said suddenly regaining his vocal faculties. “You don’t need a knife here. They’re guards everywhere.”

“And then how’m I supposed to eat?” She asked angry now. “I don’t think that it is ladylike to eat with my hands.”

“No, what I’m saying is that there is someone you can ask to fix the problem for you. Rather than tearing up taverns, go to Cirra and talk to the mayor Karputh. I was there a few days ago, he seemed to be a good man.”

“He’s here tonight.” Jason said pointing across the room at another table where the balding man sat with a very young woman perched giggling on his lap. “I’m sure he’d listen to what you had to say.” he said swallowing mightily at the sight.

“Suuure he would.” Ilea drawled as she worked through her food with alarming speed and energy. “One look at me and he’s just bound to take me seriously.” she said with false charm and brightness.

“He doesn’t seem to have much interest in women on any sort of intellectual level.” Alcmene commented, disdain coloring her words slightly.

Hercules had to silently agree. “I could take a message over for you.”

“Now I can’t even talk for myself much less go out an help people.” The hunter complained loudly. “By the gods, Herc this is the most ridiculous conversation I have ever had with you! I can’t do this, I’ve got to do that, but oh wait I can’t do that either! Tell me is there anything I *can* do?”

Alcmene and Jason blinked, him for the words- no one ever spoke to Hercules like that! -her for the familiar use of the nickname.

Hercules however was at no loss for a harsh rejoinder.

*Gods! This woman is stubborn!* he thought *She’s loud, frustrating, hyper and completely loony! She’s determined to get herself killed despite my help! But her heart is in the right place, and she is really breathtaking!* Sighing inwardly he swallowed his frustration.

“You can give me the particulars and I can talk to Karputh and help your friends with this mess.” Hercules said in his most calming voice that usually had a very soothing effect on most people.

But not on Ilea.

Who just happened to be Iolaus.

Who hated, hated, HATED when Hercules got patronizingly calm when he was upset about something.

Controlling himself, but seething almost to the boiling point Iolaus snarled “Karputh was the one who *hired* Grissus and his brothers to terrorize the women, children and elders of Cirra in the first place!”

“How do you know that?” The demigod asked completely taken aback by that information.

“I got it out of Grissus at the Laughing Cat and now I’m going to finish what I started.” Iolaus said determinedly wiping his knife on his napkin. “I’m going to go down and get Grissus and his men and have them confront Karputh here and now before Iphicles and we can get Mari and her children and all of the other’s their lands back from that greedy pompous jerk, and then I can come back and eat my second course in peace!”

“Second course?” Jason asked eyes glancing at her miraculously clean plate. “You’re *still* hungry? After all that?”

“Do you have any evidence?” the demigod questioned the blond.

“I have Grissus and I know what Darien and Mari told me.” Iolaus replied trying to rise when Hercules hand stopped her.

“You can’t do it now. Not with that kind of evidence. Who say’s Grissus will talk? It will Karputh’s word against that of a criminal’s and a . . . “Hercules swallowed quickly and changed his words “and yours.”

But Iolaus, watching and listening like a hawk caught it.

“And a what?” Ilea prompted. “The word of a what?”

“Yes Hercules, I’d like to hear what you were going to say too.” Alcmene said leaning forward.

*Uh-oh* the demigod thought.

“What?” the blond prompted again. “The word of a woman? I should go before the king to state my case but the evidence isn’t good enough, the word of a woman isn’t good enough?”

“Uh . . . well- Iphicles wouldn’t think so, but there are a lot of foreigners here, lots of important people and to them a woman’s word might not weigh as heavily as a mans. I’m not saying it’s right, and I don’t like it either; it’s just the way things are.”

“Well certainly is the truth of it.” Alcmene agreed with a raised eyebrow at her son.

“Try not to get so worked up and emotional about it Ilea. Just let me handle it.” Hercules said with a slight smile as he rose to his feet.

*Get emotional? Get worked up? Let HIM handle it?!! That’s IT! I’ve had enough insults to last a life time tonight. Not more!*

Standing up herself, Iolaus, boiling in fury shoved Hercules back into his chair --no mean feat in itself-- so hard that he tipped over with a crash. Grabbing a goblet of wine he tipped the whole contents out on the demigod’s head and stood before him hands on her hips, knife in hand.

“Why you, you-you slack-jawed . . . simpering . . . patronizing dolt!” Iolaus roared, almost incoherent in his fury.

“You make me sooo mad! That is the most chauvinistically driven, egotistical, pigheaded, unreasonable, backward statement that I have ever heard! You arrogant, strutting, presumptuous, sorry excuse for a hero! If you think for one second that I can’t handle this situation because I’m wearing a dress instead of leather battle gear and a chakram you must be the dumbest most swelled-in-the-head person on this earth! I am damn well capable of handling this WITHOUT your care, WITHOUT your blessing and WITHOUT your knowledge. Patronize me one more time . . .” she threatened poking him hard in the chest with the hilt of her knife. “And you WON’T like the consequences!”

Letting out a snarl of disgust Iolaus turned on his heel and stormed out of the now silence banquet hall.

Hercules looked at his mother and Jason complete bewilderment etched on his dripping features.

“What did I say?”

“That arrogant, two-faced, hypocritical jerk!” Iolaus cursed at the walls as he strode through the corridors of the palace down towards the cells in the dungeon. “He thinks I need protection! He thinks he so great! Well I’ll show him!”

Kilting up his skirts he hopped down the steps two at a time and ran straight into a very drunk guard.

The man let out a curse of his own. “Zeus’ beard! Watch where you’re— well hello there darlin’.”

Iolaus blinked at the sudden syrupy sweetness of his tone, nearly gagged on the smell of him and then groaned.

“Look buster I don’t have time for this. I need to take some prisoners up to the king.”

“You never used to talk to me that way Cupcake. Don’t you recognize a fan, sugar?” he countered with a smile advancing unsteadily closer.

“Cupcake?” Iolaus sputtered staring down at his body in wonder. “As in Princess Cupcake?”

*Ah, man I gotta find a mirror! I look like her?*

Giving the man a mighty shove into the wall he said “She’s upstairs with her HUSBAND, *King* of Antioch and I’m not her.” Iolaus grabbed the keys off the wall and started down the dimly lit corridor when something caught his ankle. Hopping around to face the guard Iolaus scowled and twisted trying to get his foot free.

“Stay awhile Cupcake!” the guard said with a laugh. “Join me for a drink.”

“I don’t think so.” The hunter told him with a smile lifting up the man’s helmet and slamming the keys down on his head.

With a grunt the guard fell over, nearly pulling Iolaus down with him. Yanking his foot away Iolaus made an attempt to straightened his dress and brushed his hair back.

“This is getting intolerable!” he announced to no one in particular. Grabbing a torch off the wall he made his way down the hall. “I can’t walk down a palace hall let alone a road without being grabbed. I can’t sit down to dinner without being insulted.” Iolaus peered from one cell to the next not finding any trace of Grissus or his brothers, until finally. . .

“On your feet Grissus.” the hunter ordered unlocking the door “There are some people who are dying to hear what you told me in the tavern.”

“Not you again!” The man moaned clutching his nose which to Iolaus’ amusement was swollen twice its usual size. “Don’t you hurt me! I told you what I know.”

The hunter smiled in evil satisfaction. Finally some respect. “I want to hear it again, and so do some other people. So get up and march.” Iolaus gestured imperiously.

“What did I say?” Hercules asked in bewilderment for a second time as he got to his feet. “I was just trying to help.”

Alcmene stifled a giggle as she watched her son right his chair and sit down heavily. “I think that’s it.”

“What’s it?” Hercules looked up completely puzzled

“She didn’t want or need your help son any more that she needed Salmoneus’.”

“No one needs Salmoneus’ help.” Jason put in with a chuckle.

“She was perfectly able to take care of the whole mess herself. And you insisted that she let you handle it.” Alcmene clarified handing him a napkin. “You kept trying to do things for her. Women are not helpless you know!”

“I know that!” Hercules insisted.

“Oh really?” Alcmene said with a raised eyebrow. “So if I were to go to the Laughing Cat, you’d let me?”

“You don’t want to go to the Laughing Cat mother.”

“Actually I want to see the place. I think I’ll go after the banquet.” Alcmene decided.

Hercules looked at Jason and then at his mother. “You’re serious.” he said slowly eyes widening as his vivid imagination did the rest. “You can’t go there! It’s too dangerous!”

“You went there.” Alcmene pointed out.

“Well-well, I’m a man.” Hercules sputtered.

“I think she knows that being your mother Hercules.” Jason teased.

“And I’m a woman and I can go where I please.”

“And you’ll let her do it Jason?”

Jason snorted. “It isn’t a matter of *letting* your mother do anything. Your mother’s her own person.”

“So you wouldn’t mind if I went dear?” Alcmene asked with a smile.

Jason swallowed as he remembered the rumors about the Laughing Cat. He looked at his wife and then to his expectant friend “I’m . . . staying neutral on the whole subject.”

Alcmene laughed. “Diplomatic even without the crown.”

A loud shout from the stairs stopped Hercules from doing or saying something he knew he’d regret later. There was some sort of scuffle, a few oaths and then the steward rushed down the stairs to speak urgently to Iphicles.

His brother looked over at the demigod, smiling and obviously very much aware that this had something to do with Ilea and Hercules’ currently damp condition. Iphicles was curious and so he ordered the steward to proceed.

Standing, the king commanded his guests’ attention and said. “I apologized for interrupting the celebrations of the new peace treaty but an urgent case needs to be presented now since all the parties involved are present, so if you would kindly bear with me, I will finish this business quickly and then we can resume.”

“Now, your majesty? In the middle of a banquet?” An ambassador from Thrace wondered aloud in surprise.

“I’ve been informed that it is very urgent and cannot wait. My people’s problems come before my own comforts.”

With that Ilea entered, all but dragging a rather disheven and battered prisoner behind her. The man didn’t seem half as dangerous as he’d appeared at the Laughing Cat. He seemed properly cowed and very repentant to Hercules.

“Your Majesties.” Ilea said with a curtsy at the royalty, foreign and domestic, seated at the main table. “Forgive me for interrupting your meal but I have pressing business, an accusation to make, and a debt to pay to some good people.

“Who do you accuse?” Iphicles asked curiously.

“Corraeus Karputh: landowner, citizen, and Mayor of the village of Cirra.” Over the sudden uproar this comment caused, Iolaus raised his voice and continued.

“This “good” citizen had been terrorizing and harassing poorer farmers and people of the town into selling him their land. And when they wouldn’t sell, he’d send scum like this-” the hunter gestured to Grissus beside him with disgust “to bother them. Women and children, old men, helpless and unable to find help. Their brothers and husbands and sons had all been sent to fill the quotas for soldiers instead of the richer landowner’s and their sons. And when they still wouldn’t sell,” Iolaus continued over the horrified and disbelieving gasps around the hall. “Karputh falsified the deeds and threw the families off their land and drove them out of Cirra.”

Karputh managed to shove off the woman on his lap and stand, red faced and flustered. “Liar! You ignorant hussy! Go home to your parents before you disgrace them further with your babblings.”

“I have proof!” Iolaus countered cheeks burning from the insult.

Grissus realizing it was his cue, took a step forward and sketched a half bow to the king. “Yes yer majesty. Karputh hired and promised to pay my brothers and I to bother the womenfolk and children on the farms of Cirra.”

“You take the word of a criminal over the word of a mayor, your Majesty? The words of an uneducated chit?” Karputh countered. “This man and his brothers ran out of Cirra not a few days ago when Hercules caught them trying to rob my house!”

Everyone’s attention turned to where Hercules sat. Suddenly the demigod was being stared at by hundreds of pairs of eyes. One very blue pair filled with shock at first and then anger.

“I’d very much like to hear what you have to say about this Hercules.” Iphicles said in the silence of the banquet hall.

Standing and walking over to stand next to Ilea, Hercules began to recount his exploits the day he’d left Iolaus in the forests, desperately hoping she’d understand and not kill him. “I did stop a theft at Karputh’s house. I didn’t catch them, and I didn’t see their faces. But they weren’t after money, or anything valuable. Whoever they were in Karputh’s study, looking through his records.”

“We was looking for the deeds.” Grissus explained pulling out several scrolls from inside his shirt. “He wouldn’t pay us and was going to take our land the same way as he took them other people’s land and send us off as soldiers.”

“Bring that here.” Iphicles said pointing at the scrolls

“Don’t let him close your majesty! He’s a killer.” Karputh cried.

“Silence!” Iphicles ordered as Grissus placed the scrolls on the table before the king.

“Sorry ‘bout the stains.” The man apologized awkwardly. “Ale spilled during the bar fight.”

Iphicles looked up at Ilea and forced down the smile he felt tugging at his lips. Carefully he peered at the documents; deeds, real and false, soldier quotas and accounts from the lands. Standing up and glaring at Karputh, Iphicles announced his decision.

“I, Iphicles, king of Corinth, find you Corraeus Karputh guilty of all crimes brought against you today. I strip you of your rank and titles, lands and money.” Ignoring Karputh’s gasp he continued inexorably like a death knell.

“Tomorrow my soldiers and an advisor will go to Cirra to set matters straight and return the land to it’s rightful owner. Conscription records will be fixed and soldiers called home if possible. Ilea, what is the inn the villagers of Cirra are staying in?”

“Trion’s inn your majesty.” Iolaus said with a delighted smile on her face, he glanced over at Hercules and winked his thanks.

The demigod was too stunned by her golden smile to do anything but stare back.

“Very well they will be informed in the morning as well. I thank you for the service you have rendered to Corinth today.”

Over the cheering guests the hunter responded “Your welcome. But what about Grissus?”

“We’ll take them back to Cirra to be dealt with there fairly and taking into account the service he and his brother’s rendered us today.”

Grissus sighed and smiled at the golden woman. “Thank you miss.”

“You stupid b****!” Karputh roared as they dragged him off “You little slut!”

Scowling Hercules grabbed the pudgy man by the front of his shirt ready to pound the guy for what he said, before he remembered what Ilea and his mother had said.

*I can take care of myself!*

Lowering him he turned to look at the blond woman. “Um . . . do you want to . . .?”

“Nah! You go ahead and do it.” Iolaus said with an infectious musical giggle “I’ll just enjoy the show.”

Hercules found himself strangely smiling in response to her laughter.

“Okay!’ Hercules said with a smile. “Never argue with a lady.” And with that he balled up his fist and clocked Karputh a good one right in the eye.

Iolaus giggled at his partners words and shook his head at the whole nutty situation.

Hercules froze at the familiar sound. *I’ve heard that before.* he thought to himself, but pushed that crazy idea out of his mind as the guards dragged Karputh downstairs into a cell of his own. Hercules turned to Ilea ready to apologize and congratulate her on her success, but she was suddenly gone.

“She’s a brave woman.” Alcmene’ voice broke in from one side. Hercules looked at his mother and then back around the now finishing banquet. Noting her son’s searching look she patted him on the arm and told him “She’s probably in her room if you want to apologize.”

“Right, Thanks mother.” he said with a smile, kissing her on the forehead and excusing himself hurried out of the hall.

Knocking on the door several times, calling once or twice but receiving no answer, Hercules cautiously opened the door, hoping he wasn’t intruding on her.

“Ilea, it’s me, Hercules. Can I come in?”

Still receiving silence for an answer Hercules pushed the door open all the way and found the banquet clothes laying out on the bed in the otherwise empty room and the window open.

Looking out into the darkness for some sign of the enigmatic blond he found nothing. Sighing he stared up at the starlit sky and found himself smiling in spite of himself as he thought of the whole disastrous evening.

“Actually it’s a good thing she has gone.” He remarked to the stars with a chuckle. “I’d probably stick my foot in my mouth again and she’d probably end up killing me.”

Iolaus ran through the night singing at the top of his lungs, finding he had a great singing voice in a woman’s body.

He’d done it! No one, not even Hercules thought he could, but he had. He’d helped Mari and got that stupid Karputh in jail where he belonged and no one recognized him.

Now just to get to Artemis’ temple, change and then meet Hercules at Alcmene’s . . .

It was dawn when he reached the Huntress’s shrine. Greeted warmly by the expectant priestess he was ushered to the spring and left to bathe in peace.

Sighing in relief, Iolaus dropped his bow and unslung his sword and quiver. He quickly took off his boots but left the rest of his clothes on and slipped into the pool at the foot of the spring.

Suddenly a bright light filled the grove and the figure of Artemis and Athena appeared before him.

“I’m trying to take a bath here.” Iolaus put in only mildly annoyed.

“I’m sorry Iolaus but it won’t work.” Artemis countered.

“WHAT?!” he gasped. And he looked down at himself and found he was still herself. “But you said . . .”

“I’m sorry but you’ll have to be a woman for the rest of your life.” Athena said seriously and remorsefully. “I’m terribly sorry Iolaus, or should I say Ilea?”

“B-but . . . but . . .” Iolaus sputtered not noticing his own skin was beginning to glow.

“Just kidding.” Artemis said with a laugh, reaching over to splash the hunter in the face.

Furious at being tricked Iolaus splashed the Huntress right back. She however pulled Athena in front of her and the goddess of Wisdom got soaked.

Sputtering Athena dropped her spear. “All right you two! This means war!” Leaning over she shoved Iolaus beneath the water and the reached behind her and threw her younger sister into the spring as well.

Iolaus came up spitting and grinning. He grabbed hold of the armored goddess and pulled her in as well and the three splashed and dunked one another good naturedly for about fifteen minuted before finally, laughing and gasping for air they helped each other out.

“Three is much better than two for a water fight.” Iolaus announced with a grin.

“That’s only because you’ve got divine opponents.” Athena countered with a smug look.

“Men aren’t half bad at water fights either.” Artemis allowed the hunter.

“Yeah well neither are women. Delicate, my eye! You practically drowned me!” Iolaus said shaking his head to get some water out of his ear when he noticed his clothing was back to normal. Staring at his hands he turned them over and found that he was back to being himself again.

“How do you feel?” Athena asked watching him impassively.

Iolaus thought about it for a moment. “Strange.” he finally admitted. “Really strange.”

“That’s because you were starting to really become a woman.” Artemis explained. “That’s why the transformation took so long.”

“You had us worried. It nearly didn’t happen.” Athena admitted.

“So you were telling the truth when you first showed up? Or was it the water fight? You two were trying to keep me occupied until it either happened or . . .” Iolaus swallowed. “Or didn’t.”

He looked at the two goddess strangely unangered. “But no one knew it was me. No on knew I was in a woman’s body.”

“You knew, and you started to believe it.” Athena said gently. “Would it have been so horrible if you had to stay a woman?”

“Not horrible, just difficult!”

“Well now you know!” Artemis said smugly. “And for the record hunter,” she added with a wink as the two goddesses began to fade. “I would have been proud to call you my sister.”

“Take care Iolaus.” Athena called with a smile.

Iolaus blinked at the now deserted grove for a long moment.

*Now how in Tartarus am I supposed to deal with that?*

“Okay.” he whispered to himself. “Get a grip! This- this never happened Iolaus! This never happened!”

He looked down at himself and turned full circle just to make sure he was really himself. He then reached down and grabbed his weapons and pack running his fingers through his wet hair and began to walk towards Alcmene’s house.

“Iolaus! Good to see you buddy!” Hercules said clasping his friend’s arm in his. “Did you have a good vacation?”

“Vacation?” Iolaus repeated staring at the demigod wide eyed. “Ooh vacation!” he said remembering what seemed like a lifetime ago his camp in the forest. “Sure it was great. Just great.”

“Well come inside. Mother’s been cooking all day in honor of your arrival.” Hercules said with a smile as they made their way inside Jason’s and Alcmene’s summer home.

“It sure smells good.” Iolaus said breathing in deeply. “I am so hungry.”

“When aren’t you?” Hercules said with a laugh.

Smiling in return, Iolaus looked around the familiar house he’d all but grown up in and caught sight of his reflection in the mirror and let out a scream.

“WHAT?! What is it?” Hercules said whirling around after nearly jumping out of his skin at his friend’s cry. “Iolaus? Are you all right?”

The hunter stood, back to the wall, eyes big as plates, hand clutched to his chest.

“It never happened, huh Iolaus? Never happened?” a familiar feminine voice whispered in his ear.

“It happened! It happened!” Iolaus agreed quickly “Just don’t DO that!” he gasped indignantly. “Do what Iolaus? What happened?” Hercules asked shaking his best friend trying to get some sense out of him.

The hunter wasn’t listening, hearing instead the twin laughter of two goddess and he remembered the water fight and grinned. *Boy did they look great in wet clothing! Maybe it wasn’t something to forget after all.*

Iolaus was sure he felt a hand ruffle through his golden hair and caught Artemis saying. “We’ve got to do it again some other time hunter.”

“Over my dead body!” Iolaus roared not wanting to be the amusement of Artemis and Athena as well as Aphrodite. Hercules sisters were great but boy could they wear a guy down!

“Dead body?” Hercules repeated totally confused. “Iolaus, you’re not talking sense! What’s wrong?”

“Hmm?” Iolaus said just now noticing that his best friend was shaking him silly and yelling at him. “Herc let up a minute will ya’? I’m okay.”

“Are you sure?” Hercules asked peering at the hunter. “Why did you yell? What did you mean? What happened?”

“Nothing. I’m fine Herc.” Iolaus assured him.

“Are you sure?” he asked again. “People don’t usually scream for no reason Iolaus!”

Iolaus stared at his scowling friend and couldn’t help it, he had to laugh.

“What? What is it?”

“I just realized that it isn’t your fault.” Iolaus said between giggles. He slapped the demigod on his shoulder and made his way to the kitchen. “You’ve *always* been a mother hen!”

Hercules blinked and shook his head. Was everyone going completely crazy or was it just him? First Ilea and now Iolaus. *Maybe there is some validity in blond jokes after all* he mused thinking back to the banquet and then shook away the thought thinking of his mother.

*It must be catching.* he finally decided and went to join his friend before there wasn’t any lunch left.

End

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