Virtual Survivor Immunity challenge #1 Immunity challenge #1: deadline, midnight CSt-US Saturday June 16th Find or write a joke, rewrite the joke to feature Hercules characters and/or situations Independent list member who shall remain nameless but is not playing the game and has had no specific knowledge of the game planning will choose 5 jokes that made her laugh most and winner will be chosen from a random drawing of those 5 names. Good Luck! This message will self distruct in 30 seconds...... The Game Goddesses Ceryndip Bwell ------------------------------------------- The Missing Goat: Hercules and Iolaus were walking through the woods and when they discover a very large, very deep hole. Being the curious two that they are, they can't help themselves but peer into the chasm, no doubt looking for either a damsel in distress, or simply anything female. One certainly can't be picky when you're wandering the forest. Scratching his head, Iolaus comments on the depth of said hole, displaying his ever-acute sense for the obvious. "Wow...that looks like a very deep hole, Herc." "Sure does. Hey, toss a few pebbles in there. Let's see how deep it is." Our boy Curley picks up a few pebbles and tosses them in, leaning over in anticipation of hearing them reach the bottom. After a brief moment of silence, the two exchange mildly surprised glances. No noise. "Holy hopping Hades, Herc. That is a REALLY deep hole! Hey, throw one of those great big rocks down there. That should make a noise." They take turns tossing football-sized rocks into the hole. Again, there is nothing. Obviously, Ares, Strife and Discord have taken an afternoon off, and these two have nothing better to do than to chuck rocks into some idiot hole, deep within the forest primevil. When again no sound is forthcoming, the two regard the pit in amazement. Not one to be defeated by something so stupid as a hole in the ground, Iolaus gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey Herc, over here in the weeds, there's a fallen tree. Help me drag it over here. When we toss that sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise!" Together, they drag the heavy item over to the hole and heave it in. Again, not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like Cerberus itself is after it. With a whoosh, the panicked creature rushes toward them, then lurches past them, leaping in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Moments later, a farmer comes out of the woods, spots the guys and ambles over. "Hey...you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did!" the hunter exclaimed, gesturing wildly. "Craziest thing I ever saw! It came running like Tatrtarus and just jumped into this hole!" "Nah," says the farmer, "that couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was tied to a fallen tree." ~Drakkar ------------------------------ One bright, beautiful Sunday morning everyone in the tiny Corinthian town got up early and went to the local house of prayer. Even Hercules who had spent the night at the local inn decided to join in the services. Before the services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews when suddenly, Dahak appeared at the front of the house. Everyone started screaming and running for the exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon with Hercules help everyone was evacuated from the house of prayer except for one gentleman by the name of Salmoneous who sat calmly in his pew. He was not moving and seemed oblivious to the fact that this ultimate enemy was in his presence. This confused and irritated the devilish Dahak more than a bit, so he walked up to Salmoneous and demanded, 'Don't you know who I am?' 'Yep, sure do,' replied Salmoneous. Dahak asked, 'Aren't you afraid of me?' Nope, sure ain't,' Salmoneous replied. Dahak a little more perturbed at this, asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?' Salmoneous calmly replied, 'Been datin' your daughter Hope for the past year.' Bev ----------------------------------- Rabbit Iolaus was driving a wagon along the road, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. Iolaus, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. Iolaus felt so awful, he began to cry. Aphrodite happened to be looking down from Olympus at that moment and saw her favorite mortal upset. She popped down in a spray of pink stars and went to Iolaus, asking what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." Aphrodite told Iolaus not to worry. She knew what to do. She thought for a moment and a spray can appeared.. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it's paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters. Iolaus was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in Aphrodite's spray can!! He ran over to the goddess and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The beautiful blond woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "'Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave." Sorry I just knew this joke would work... :) Kat ------------------------------- Hercules, Ares and an old man are playing a round of golf. Hercules tees off and his golf ball soars through the air like a missile, overshoots the green and lands in among the roots of a tree. He sighs, walks up to the tree, heaves it out of the ground so he can reach the ball and then putts across the green and into the hole. Two shots. Ares steps up, hits his ball and it follows a similar arc, landing in a patch of long grass, nettles and brambles. He growls, strides across, fireballs the undergrowth and then putts his ball across the green and into the hole. Two shots. The old man wanders up to the tee, swings his club wildly and the ball hooks off, flying way up into the air and nowhere near the hole. Just when it looks as if the ball will disappear from sight completely, a bolt of lightning whips out of the clear sky. It hits the ball which immediately flys sideways, cannons off a tree, skips three times across the surface of the water trap, bounces off a fallen log, rolls onto the green and finally plops into the hole. Hole in one. Ares turns to Hercules. "Ah *nuts*," he complains, "Don't you just hate it when Dad plays through?" Pythia ---------------------------------------- Hercules was having the strangest dream. In this dream, he was walking along a road with Iolaus, only Iolaus wasn't 'Iolaus', he was a little yellow dog, prancing along beside him...Herc knew someone in his family must have done this to Iolaus, but, since it was only a dream, he didn't worry about it much. Anyway, Hercules and his 'dog' were walking along a road. Herc was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He could even remember dying, and then, sadly, he remembered Iolaus had been dead for years...according to the dream. Herc wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When Hercules was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. Herc and the dog walked toward the gate, and as they got closer, Herc saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, Hercules called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is Paradise, the Place of Light, sir," the man answered. Herc's brows lifted in surprise as he contemplated the imposing grandeur of the place. So, this was The Light? Wow! Hercules turned back to the man, remembering they had been walking for some time and he was thirsty. "Would you happen to have some water?" Hercules asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward the dog, "come in, too?" Herc asked. 'Iolaus' had just been sitting at his feet, whining a little as if trying to tell him something. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." Herc thought a moment, looked at the 'dog', who was now sitting quietly, just staring up him with wide blue eyes, as if waiting to see what Herc would do. Finally, Herc just grinned, shook his head scratched the 'dog' behind one ear, and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" Hercules called to the reader. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in." "How about my friend here?" Hercules again gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. Hercules filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the 'dog'. When they were full, Herc and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them. "What do you call this place?" Hercules, admiring the place...it had a certain peacefulness about it, a sense almost of having come home. "This is Paradise, The Place of Light," was the answer. "Well, that's confusing," Herc said. "The man down the road said that was Paradise, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Chaos, the Place of Perpetual Darkness." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind." Arianna ------------------------------- Old Hercules, Jason and Iolaus were sitting around in the Home for Retired Warriors having a discussion on the trevails of getting older. "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mustard in front of the pantry and can't remember if I should put it away or start making a Hero's sandwich" Hercules said. Jason chimed in, commiserating, "Yes sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and I can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." Iolaus responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood." He rapped his knuckles on the wooden arm of his rocking chair, then told his two comrades, "That must be the door, I'll get it!" Later, CJ --------------------------------------- Iolaus and Hercules couldn't agree on anything. Hercules accused Iolaus of never taking him seriously, Iolaus accused Hercules of not bothering to rescue him promptly enough. The bickering went on - and on, until eventually the heroes decided that they needed some rules. What exactly did their friendship mean. A few days later Iolaus produced a crumpled scroll which was covered with his scrawling handwriting. "Here you go Herc, here's my oath of friendship. What d'you think?" Hercules read the scroll aloud. " When you are sad .................... I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad. When you are sick.............. Stay away from me until you're well again, I don't want whatever you have. When you are scared............ I will rag you about it every chance I get. When you are worried .............. I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and tell you to quit whining. When you are confused ................. I will use little words and speak slowly as I explain. When you are blue.............. I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you. When you fall ................... I will point and laugh at you. This is my oath .................. I pledge til the end. Why you may ask? .................. Because you are my friend Hercules looked thoughtfully at his friend for a long time before he commented on the scroll, "I've only one thing to add to that," he said, a serious expression on his face, "When you act before you think I promise to gloat when it all goes wrong." Caro -------------------------------------- On the idyllic day before Ares removed their special powers, making them both mortal, Hercules and Serena invited Iolaus on a picnic to celebrate their engagement. They both reasoned that the best and quickest way to Iolaus' heart was through his stomach. Serena did her best in the hunting department and Hercules did his best in the cooking and setting up department. Serena taught Hercules how to make one of her favorite dishes. It was something that Hermes' Roman counter-part, Mercury, taught her during an Olympian cultural exchange program. She instructed Hercules to cut small chunks of meat from the rabbits and wild game birds, dip them in a secret batter and deep fry them in olive oil. Voila...the perfect finger food for picnics. Serena called them "Merc-Nuggets" after the god who taught her how to make them. Well, just as Serena figured, this new recipe made a big hit with Iolaus. Before long, the happy trio were popping down the Merc-Nuggets, washing them down with hearty ale and laughing and joking the afternoon away. All of a sudden Serena began coughing and choking. Her eyes were wide with fright. The two heroes realized that one of the nuggets must have gone down the wrong way and had cut off her breathing. Hercules came up behind her and started patting...and then pounding on her back to dislodge the nugget. It didn't work. Next, he picked her up, turned her upside down and tried shaking the nugget loose. It still didn't work. Hercules was becoming nervous and a bit unsteady with worry now. He almost let Serena slip out of his arms. Iolaus, always at the big guy's side, stuck out his hand to steady Serena and keep her from hitting the ground, forgetting what the effect of his touch on the woman would be. Serena soon had four legs and fur and was still bucking and kicking, unable to get any air in her lungs. Hercules turned to Iolaus with a lost look on his face and the Golden Hunter hopped into action. He walked up to Serena slowly so as not to scare her. He held out his hands and took her arm, holding it gently in his fingers. He stuck out his tongue and ran it quickly and firmly from her wrist to her elbow and then to her shoulder. A startled look came over Serena's face, she let out a couple of coughs and the offending Merc-nugget popped out of her mouth and fell to the ground at her feet. Hercules ran over and grabbed Serena into a great hug. Hercules shot a look of gratitude to his best friend. "Thank you Iolaus...but how...how did you know what to do?" "Gee, Herc...it was nothing special. Haven't you ever heard of the 'Hind-lick' maneuver!" Peace and groans, MaryE. --------------------------------------------- Iolaus and Hercules were at an upscale tavern in Plinth (yeah, like they have those in New Greeceland!). The two heroes quickly looked at the menu and were shocked to see a dish of "hickory-smoked possum jowls in pancake syrup". They summoned the waiter to complain. Their waiter looks at the menu. Then he flings it down in a huff and yells to the owner in the kitchen. "Hey, Falafel, the darned scroll writers forgot to translate the menu into French again!" Margui ----------------------------------------- "Salmoneous..you shouldn't encourage him" Hercules warned. "Oh come on Hercules..the kids just love it" Salmoneous responds. "Well yeah..I can see that the kids love him..Iolaus always loves the attention but..what he's doing..it's not good for his throat..or his voice for that matter.." Hercules worries. "Oh don't be such a worrywart..professional actors and clowns do it all the time!" Salmoneous protests. "Besides Iolaus is the best chipmunk around! Let it go..Hercules!" "Ah..I guess so..still..he could hurt himself.." Hercules speculates. Hercules sits at the table with a decidedly worried look on his face. Iolaus looks up from entertaining the kids to see the worried look drawn across his partner's face. He also sees the disapproving look that Hercules is casting his way. Iolaus decides to take matters into his own hands to put a stop to Hercules wet blanket ways. "You know Herc" squeaks Iolaus dressed in his chipmunk suit "You gotta learn to loosen up..the kids love me.." Iolaus takes a helium balloon and breathes in some helium air. "Iolaus..that helium air..it makes you sound..your voice sounds..like..it's not good for your voice to breathe in so much helium..you'll hurt your vocal chords.." Iolaus continues in a high chipmunk voice squeaky voice "Ah Herc..I'm the life of the party..after all I'm Pipsqueak the chipmunk..the Pipsqueak that squeaks with a squeaky chipmunk voice that squeaks.." "Alright..alright..enough Iolaus" laughs Hercules "I get the joke..but you know you do look and sound ridiculous..Pipsqueak, the chipmunk..the Pipsqueak that squeaks..only you..Iolaus..only you.." Hercules shakes his head in wonder at his whirlwind friend. The laughter of the children intensifies as Iolaus continues to entertain the children's birthday party as a blonde chipmunk with a helium enhanced squeaky voice. Salmoneous writes down the jingle and thinks..you know maybe I can sell this idea..market a whole line of chipmunk dolls that talk with a squeaky voice..Pipsqueak..the chipmunk..the Pipsqueak that squeaks..Ahmm..this could work..this could work indeed. Skylark -------------------------------------- Hercules and Iolaus were travelling in India. One day during their stay, Hercules decided he was going to go take a hike through the jungle to visit a ruined temple that he had heard of. Iolaus decided that he would rather stay back at the palace of the local maharajah and watch the dancing girls. As Hercules prepared to leave, Iolaus drew him aside. "Hey buddy, I just wanted to warn you - be careful of the Dreaded Boolabonga Snake that lives out in the jungle!" "The Dreaded Boolabonga Snake? What's that?" asked Hercules. "I heard some of the local people talking about it in the marketplace," replied Iolaus."They said that the Dreaded Boolabonga Snake is about 5 feet long and it's got bright yellow and black stripes. And what it does is, it hangs its tail down off a branch, wraps it around your neck and yanks you up to meet its poisonous fangs!" "That sounds awful!" commented Hercules. Iolaus continued. "The local people say that the only way to kill the Dreaded Boolabonga Snake is to grab the end of its tail with one hand, and run the thumb of your other hand up its belly, to snap its neck!" Hercules promised to keep this in mind, and he set out on his hike, while Iolaus went back to watching the dancing girls. Later that afternoon, Iolaus was horrified to see Hercules stumbling into the palace, with huge bleeding slashes all over his body. "Herc! What HAPPENED??" "Well, Iolaus, I was hiking through the jungle when I saw, hanging down from a branch over the trail in front of me, the tail of the Dreaded Boolabonga Snake. It was just like you described, with bright yellow and black stripes. So I did what you said I should do - I grabbed the end of the tail in my left hand, and with all my godly strength, ran my right thumb up its belly, to break its neck!" "Yeah? Yeah? What happened then?" "Iolaus .... have YOU ever goosed a Bengal tiger?????" Love to ya! Owlharp ----------------------------------- Young Hercules and young Iolaus went directly to their favorite fishing hole after school. "Iolaus, if you paid more attention in school you wouldn't have done so badly on that test." Hercules said. "Huh, that was a hard test. I was lucky to get a D. What did you get?" "I got an A+, dummy." "Hey, I'm learning to be the best hunter, the best fisherman and the best tracker in Greece, And on top of all that I gotta go to school, stupid." Hercules snorted. "Yeah, and you come home that way, too." Allie ------------------------------------------- Traveling up north Iolaus and Hercules decided to try ice fishing. They chopped holes in the ice about twenty-five feet apart, put worms on their hooks, dropped their lines in the water, and hardly got a nibble. This went on for several hours, but no luck. Mid afternoon, a schoolboy arrived. He walked confidently onto the ice, chopped his hole between those of the Iolaus and Hercules, and caught fish after fish. They were amazed, and finally Iolaus approached the boy and asked, "Tell me, young man, what is your secret?" The boy replied, "Mmmm yymmm mmms wmmm." "What's that?" asked Hercules. "Say it again, please." The boy said, "Mmmm yymmm mmms wmmm." Iolaus said, "I'm sorry, I just can't understand you. Would you speak a little more clearly?" At that, the boy cupped his palms, spit out a large amount of substance into them, and said clearly, "Keep your worms warm." Athena ------------------------------------ "Hercules!" As he entered the small village, the demigod found himself accosted by a blond blur. "Gabrielle," he exclaimed in surprise. "What are you doing here?" "I'll tell you on the way," the bard said, grabbing his hand and tugging him down the road. As she led him down the main stretch into town, she quickly went over the day's events. How she was supposed to be meeting Xena, but had gotten kidnapped when she had attempted to stop a warlord from raiding the village. Iolaus came to her rescue, but he had been wounded during their escape. Gabrielle escorted Hercules to the village inn, and showed him to the room where the hunter was being tended to by the healer. Injured though he was, Iolaus was in good spirits and was happy to see Hercules. "He took two arrows in a rather sensitive area," the healer explained to the demigod once the partners had greeted each other. "But he'll be fine." Gabrielle came to sit carefully beside her friend. She took his hand in her own and squeezed it gently. "Iolaus, thank you for all your help. But I'm so sorry that you were hurt trying to save me." "Don't give it another thought," the hunter responded with a cheerful grin. "After all, a bard in the hand is worth two in the tush." Quiet Wolf --------------------------------- Hercules and Iolaus are sieged at Naxos. They repel the next barbarian`s attack, Hercules throws down the ladders, Iolaus rushes among six-shooter arbalests, and the skeletons on the walls are step-dancing cheerfully. Everything goes well but Hercules begins to worry what might happen when the catapult join the fight. "Iolaus, when they begin to shoot with their catapult, take the girl and old man down, to basement." "Don`t worry, Herc. They wouldn`t shoot. Catapult doesn`t work, I think the water have gotten into the mechanism." "How do you know that? You don`t even know where the mechanism is." "But I do know where the catapult is." "And where?" "In the pond." Ahary -------------------------------- OK folks, here's my answer to the first challenge. I have to give a very big tip- of- the- hat to the gang at Callahan's (Llyra doffs her Tilley in a wide, sweeping bow). GROANER ALERT!!! Here goes. You have been warned. A HEALTHY DECISION AT ANY TIME When Hercules and Iolaus made their celebrated trip to Egypt, they performed great services for the queen, Nefertiti, and achieved much honour and glory for themselves. But what most people don't know is that the heroes were obliged to leave Egypt in rather a hurry. The details were hushed up in Cairo and were the subject of a massive cover up in Corinth (a cover up so successfully that no one ever found out the full story until years after King Iphicles' death. It should be noted here that his son was terribly embarrassed by the whole thing and had all copies but one of the pertinent documents destroyed, but I digress.) It seems that while he was in the land of the Pharaohs, Iolaus went a little crazy and began burning temples. There didn't seem to be any reason for this behaviour, he just doused the buildings with oil and set them ablaze. Although he was perfectly normal and rational by day, by night he became like a man possessed. With glazed eyes and a blank expression on his face, he would torch the edifice in question. Then, before the conflagration became too intense, he would run in and out of the burning building, laughing like a fiend. (The documents on this activity referred to it as `arson around.') Hercules knew that his friend was up to something when he went out at night, but did not know exactly what until he finally followed the hunter on one of his excursions. The demigod could only watch in sick horror as his normally calm and rational friend would throw the oil around, then gleefully toss the torch into the thickest pool of oil. Then, as the flames reached high into the night sky, Iolaus darted in and out of the building, as if daring it to fall on him. Heartsick at what his friend had done, Hercules decided to confront Iolaus the next night and try to snap him out of his stupor before he had a chance to do any more damage. However, the next night Iolaus managed to elude his friend and Hercules didn't find him until too late. The temple of choice was engulfed in flame and Iolaus was dancing around like a maniac under a flaming beam. Hercules' heart almost stopped as he realized that the beam was ready to fall, right on top of his unsuspecting friend. With a strangled cry of warning, the demigod leapt into action, knocking his partner out of danger just as the beam collapsed. The two men rolled to safety. Iolaus sat up slowly and blinked as his eyes slowly began to focus. He shook his head to clear it, then stared in disbelief at the destruction he had caused. How could this have happened? He must have been under some kind of spell, it was the only explanation, and the spell was now broken. Not only that, if not for Hercules' timely arrival, he would be nothing but a greasy smear under burning bits of temple. Finally back in his right mind, and knowing that his best friend would help him in any way that he could, Iolaus came to a decision then and there. "Herc," he declared as he and the demigod rose to their feet to survey the damage, "I have got to stop smoking these ziggurats before they kill me!" Llyra --------------------------------