Discord's Deal - The Sequel

The elements themselves seemed to crumble under Discord's withering gaze. The god of war, on the other hand, was unmoved. Or rather, he was unabashed; Discord's obvious fury fueled his pleasant mood. He took her pointed little chin in his hand and favored her with a mocking pout.

"Aww, what's the matter? Did I mess up your little plan?"

Discord slapped his hand away and stepped closer to the ruggedly handsome god. "That was low, Ares, even for you." Her eyes flashed. "It was low even for *me*!"

Ares turned, laughing, and seated himself on his throne. "It was, wasn't it?" His self-satisfied sigh ground like salt into Discord's wounded pride, and she looked around the temple for something suitably heavy to launch at the god's divine head.

"You should have seen your face!" he continued. "Not to mention the fact that you were actually falling for that puny man!"

A snarling retort rose to the goddess' lips, but she stopped. Her eyes narrowed as she listened to the god of war laugh about her failed attempt to seduce Iolaus.

"I get it!" she said suddenly. "I get it! How could I be so blind?" A sneer settled onto her face as she said, "You're jealous!"

Ares stared at her for the briefest second, then scowled. "Jealous? Dream on. Of that pathetic little mortal?" He snorted.

Discord sashayed to the war god's side and draped her arms around him. "Don't worry, Ares," she purred. "I won't tell anyone you were afraid of losing me to a 'pathetic little mortal.'"

Ares shot to his feet and pulled her to him. "Get over yourself," he growled. "I do not feel *threatened* in any way by a *mortal*."

Drawing away demurely, Discord said, "Of course."

"Besides, it's not as if he would have fallen for you, anyway."

"Hah!" Discord laughed. "I had him wrapped around my little finger!"

"Sure, as another woman." Ares felt his mood lightening again as uncertainty dashed across her darkly childish features. "You could never get him to fall for you as yourself. So why would I possibly be jealous?"

"Is that a challenge, Ares?"

The god of war was speechless for a moment. "You--" he snickered. "You think that *you*--" He threw his head back and howled with laughter.

Discord glared. "That's right. We keep the original agreement, except this time, in exchange for you letting me accompany you into battle, I simply get the little mortal fall head over heels for me."

Ares roared. "How could I say no!" He stifled his laughter and leaned toward her with wicked merriment. "Deal."

Attica bustled with the usual big city noise and activity, but Iolaus, familiar as he was with the place, could sense an undertone of tension. Standing back in the alley through which he and Hercules had surreptitiously entered the city, he said, "I think those guys we met on the road were right. There's definitely trouble brewing here."

Hercules saw vague unease on the faces of the people that passed by on the street, and he had to agree. The city itself glowed with prosperity, thanks to the careful, judicious rule of its queen. Its wealth alone would be enough to tempt the rumored hostile interest from the two northern kingdoms.

The son of Zeus watched his friend as they slipped onto the crowded street. Some of Iolaus' good humor had returned after Discord's vicious deception, but a sense of weariness still lay about the hunter's shoulders. Using Niobe's form to seduce Iolaus had hurt him the most by reminding him of the unrequited love he felt for the queen of Attica. Hercules hoped that their journey here, and time spent with the real Niobe, might assuage his friend's wistfulness.

"Listen," Hercules stopped. "Why don't you go on without me. I'll see if I can find out any more about this rumor of war, and meet you at the palace later."

Iolaus smiled and clapped his buddy on the shoulder. "Okay. I'll see you there!"

Hercules disappeared into the crowd as Iolaus continued on to the palace. The blond warrior grinned at his friend's keen perception; he had been wondering how to explain that he really wanted to see Niobe alone, at first. As usual, Hercules had read his mind.

As he crossed onto a residential street just down from the palace gates, a flash of light to his left caught his eye. He groaned when he saw who it was.

"Discord," He sighed. "What do you want now?"

"You." She prowled toward him with steamy self-assurance. "And I know you want me, too."

Iolaus hardly had time to blink in astonishment; Discord took him by the shoulders and shoved him backwards --clean through the wall of the cottage beehind him.

He landed on his back, sprawled in a pile of wood and plaster on a cushiony featherbed. A teenage girl, in the process of sweeping the inevitably dusty dirt floor, stared at him with a mixture of confusion and pleasant surprise. Suddenly the air above the warrior sparkled, and Discord appeared, straddling his waist. Iolaus tried to push the persistant goddess off of him, slapping at her hands while she tried to caress his face.

"What in Tartarus are you doing!" he sputtered.

With a growl, Discord grabbed his wrists and pushed them down into the fluffy soft cushions. "Don't fight it, Iolaus, you know you want it."

Iolaus managed a crazed 'are-you-out-of-your-mind' look despite the passionate kiss Discord planted firmly on his lips. He managed to wrench his wrists out of her grip; with a sharp twist of his hips, he tumbled the goddess onto the floor. She giggled seductively.

"Mmm, foreplay!"

Iolaus ducked away from her, scrambling off the featherbed. The teenager, unknowingly caught between the handsome stranger and a goddess on the prowl, stood shyly before Iolaus. Glaring past the girl, the warrior said,

"Discord, I don't know what's on your mind, but I am not falling for it this time!"

He began backing toward the cottage door; the girl followed him, shadowed by the goddess of disaster and doom.

"Come on, Iolaus. You knew I wasn't Niobe. You felt something for me, I know it."

Iolaus continued backing away. "Felt something? For *you*? I thought you were the woman of my dreams! She's the one I felt something for, not you." He bumped into the frame of the open door. "Miss," he said to the furiously blushing girl, "I am really sorry about the wall. And you--" he pointed at Discord, "--leave me alone!"

He turned and dashed out of the cottage.

A rumbling laugh exploded into a shower of light as Ares appeared beside Discord.

"This is good! I can see you're really making progress!"

Discord's eyes blazed. "Well. We'll see." She shot a disgusted look at the girl who still gazed wistfully after the handsome warrior, and vanished.

One thing about Attica, Hercules concluded, the female population of merchants was quite a bit more enterprising than in most cities. Every one of them made the effort to try to draw him into their shops and booths, anxious to show him their wares. At one point, he found himself deprived of his tunic by a lovely shopkeeper who insisted he try on one of her finely crafted silk shirts. Navy blue, with a touch of pale yellow lining the low-cut neck. Actually, it looked pretty good, he thought. Complimented his eyes . . . .

"Now," the young woman said, rifling through a pile of clothing. "We really need to do something about those pants."

The son of Zeus peered over her shoulder with interest.

"Excuse me . . . Hercules?" A man's polite voice came from behind them. Stepping away from the woman, Hercules said,

"Yes. That's me. What can I do for you?"

The young man smiled. "My name is Linus. I'm one of Queen Niobe's aides. I, ah, heard that the spirit of our late King Orestes was seen passing through the city in the company of a god." Linus' eyes twinkled merrily. "I thought I had better check it out."

The two men glanced at the shopkeeper, who listened to their exchange with less than veiled curiousity.

"Well, Linus, why don't I help you find these guys. See what this rumor is all about."

As they started to leave, the shopkeeper leaped forward and grabbed Hercules' arm. "Wait! You can't leave!" She blushed wildly. "Um, the shirt."

"That's a nice shirt, by the way."

Dodging a knot of shoppers on the street, Hercules shifted the package under his arm. "Yeah, well, I felt kind of bad for that woman. She really seemed to want me to buy it. Maybe this threat of war is keeping buyers at home, leaving merchants short on customers."

Linus studiously pondered a selection of bridge blueprints laid out on the table of a construction-for-hire outfit. "Oh, yes, I'm sure that explains her enthusiasm. So anyway, where is Iolaus? Or was it truly a spirit the people saw with you?"

"No, it was Iolaus. He went ahead to the palace. I wanted to find out more about this rumor of a possible invasion."

"It's no rumor, I'm afraid. The king of a tiny kingdom called Taperdaia seems to think that the best way to improve his people's prosperity is to 'borrow' Attica's wealth."

The demi-god shook his head. "Sounds like your basic petty tyrant. But if the kingdom is so small, I wouldn't imagine he poses too much of a threat."

"True, and alone he wouldn't. But he's won the support of the neighboring kingdom, Oraimi, which holds several strong provinces. Also, the king of Oraimi has a brother ruling in the south. If he calls in the services of his brother, Attica could face seige from both directions."

"Doesn't sound good."

"No," Linus agreed. "But we do have one thing in our favor. Whoever is in charge of their invasion strategy seems to lack a creative edge. We've been able to anticipate their every move, so far. In fact, when I got word that Iolaus and yourself had arrived in town, I was on my way to take a battalion out to reinforce the border. That seems to be where their main invasion force is gathering."

They had reached Attica's main road. Down toward the outskirts of the city, Hercules could see a large group of soldiers waiting for Linus.

"If you don't mind, I'd like to go with you," the demi-god suggested. "I'd like to see for myself what kind of approach your unfriendly neighbors have in mind."

Linus was surprised, and pleased, by the suggestion. "I would appreciate your company. I'll send word to the palace, and let them know you're coming with me."

As he approached the palace gate, Iolaus paused for the fiftieth time to glance over his shoulder. He had taken a circuitous route to the palace, in case Discord persisted in this bizarre game of hers. So far, no sign of her. He sighed. All he wanted was to see Niobe, talk with her, relax in the comfort of her presence. A war already threatened to interfere with his plans; he didn't need a misguided Harpy throwback making it worse.

"Iolaus!"

The warrior nearly jumped out of his skin before he recognized Hector's voice.

"Hector." Iolaus smiled with relief. The queen's trustworthy aide strode up and clasped Iolaus' hand.

"Welcome, my friend! I heard you were in town."

"Really? I practically just got here!"

Hector chuckled. "Well, when the spitting image of our late king strolls into town, the news travels fast! Come! The queen waits to see you!"

In fact, the queen refused to wait. With her lush brown hair billowing over her graceful shoulders, Niobe rushed up to Iolaus and caught him in a warm hug. The warrior was speechless, much as he had been when Discord had appeared at his door, cloaked in Niobe's exquisite form. He held her for what mercifully felt like ages, before she pulled away and gazed at him.

"Iolaus." Love and welcome glowed on her face; as he melted into her eyes, Iolaus felt as though he had come home.

Niobe, Iolaus and Hector walked through the courtyard toward the palace. Since the first time he’d met her, Iolaus had always been impressed by Niobe’s inherent nobility. She had a grace and inner strength that, coupled with her intuitive understanding of her peoples’ needs, made her one of the most successful monarchs in Greece. Right now, though, Iolaus recognized a fatigue that drew the usual color out of her beautiful skin and dulled the vibrance of her movements. He gently took up her hand and gave it a tender squeeze.

"I hear you have company on this visit," Hector was saying.

"Yeah, my friend Hercules decided to come with. He’s heard so much about Attica, he wanted to see if for himself." Iolaus grinned. "Besides, when I told him about everything that happened, I got the impression he thought I was hallucinating."

Hector laughed. "I’ll be honest, when I saw how well you handled yourself as king, I thought *I* was hallucinating!"

"Gee, thanks, Hector. I’ll know where to come next time I need my ego boosted."

As they approached the entrance to the palace, a sentry motioned Hector away to speak with a breathless messenger. Iolaus and Niobe stepped into the cool, dim great hall of the palace, and walked together in silence for a few moments.

Finally Niobe said, "I’m really glad to see you, Iolaus. I’ve missed you." She paused. "But, I’m afraid that with this war coming, I can’t be as good a host as I’d like to be."

"Why don’t you tell me about it," Iolaus urged. "Herc and I have had a lot of experience with this sort of thing--you know, we slay monsters, we clobber bandits, we stop wars, all in a day’s work."

The queen tucked her arm in Iolaus’, but shook her head. "I can’t drag you into this. This is Attica’s problem, not yours."

Iolaus stopped. He took Niobe’s hands and turned her to face him. "Niobe, I may not have really been king of Attica. I may not have any blood ties to it beyond a several times removed cousin. But I love this place. I love the people." His voice softened. "And I’m hopelessly in love with their queen. So let me help you, if I can."

Niobe smiled, sweet, weary tears glistening in her eyes. She took the handsome warrior’s face in her hands and kissed him. Then she took a breath and laughed.

"I have thought of nothing but war for the last three months. Tonight, let’s go sit by the fire, find out what amazing concoction my cook has come up with, and let me think only of *you*."

The next morning the sky swelled with luxuriant reds and yellows. A cool breeze stroked Iolaus’ bare arms as he breathed in the scent of dew. Slipping an arm around the chestnut-maned neck of his companion, he sighed contentedly.

"I could live a thousand mornings like this, and never tire of them."

His companion whuffled in agreement, flicking her tail at the breeze against her flank. Iolaus pulled the mare’s reins up over her head, and hopped nimbly into the saddle.

Always one who preferred having his feet firmly on the ground, Iolaus rarely found himself up on a horse. But today was the day Niobe listened to the citizen’s grievances, a task that generally took all morning. She had insisted Iolaus take her new mare, Garua, out for a ride in the meantime.

Strange name, he thought as they galloped through an open meadow, but what a smooth stride. And great reflexes--

Suddenly the beast came to a dead stop. Iolaus was caught off guard; he lost his seat, flew over the mare’s head, and landed in a heap in the tall grass. As he lay, cursing himself for ever getting on the blasted animal in the first place, a familiar, wicked giggle tumbled down over him.

Discord kneeled, and affected an impish pout. "Sorry I scared your horse."

Iolaus scowled, touching the bloody lump swelling over his right eye. "Yeah, well, you do tend to have that effect."

He got carefully to his feet, testing for sprains or breaks. Discord stood with him, and pursed her dramatically magenta lips in what the warrior was sure she thought was a seductive smile. To Iolaus, it looked more like the snarl of a hydra daring him to cut off its head. The goddess trailed a long, red fingernail down his chest as he looked around for the horse.

"You ran off so suddenly yesterday," she purred. "If you were uncomfortable with that little girl around, I could have just gotten rid of her, you know."

"Yeah, I’m sure you could." He brushed her hand away and pushed past her; the mare was strolling discreetly toward the woods, and Iolaus wasn’t about to let her leave without him.

He hadn’t gone five steps, though, when Discord popped up in front of him. He grimaced. That was *so* annoying.

"What’s your hurry? Your little queen will be tied up with her pathetic subjects for a while." She slid her hands under his vest and nuzzled his ear. "And we’re all alone out here."

"Uh huh. Actually, that kind of worries me." He ducked, twisted and squirmed away from the goddess. A couple of unmolested steps later, she flashed into his path again. "Would you quit that!" he snapped. He pushed past her again, and started jogging after the horse. Unfortunately, the mare had picked up her pace and was taking herself off toward the palace at a brisk trot. Iolaus stopped running and groaned as the beast disappeared into the trees.

He felt the air nearby begin to vibrate. He had the urge to haul off and greet the incoming goddess with a solid right hook; but the word 'foreplay' came to mind, and he restrained himself.

Discord grinned roguishly. "I like a man who plays hard to get."

Iolaus wanted to scream. He wiped irritably at the blood running down the side of his face, and began, "Try ‘impossible’--"

Discord snapped her fingers; the warrior felt the ground slip under his feet, and he landed on his back with a thud.

That’s it, he thought.

As soon as Discord got near enough, Iolaus lashed out with his foot and kicked her legs from under her. He launched to his knees and pounced on her, holding her on her back.

"Listen, Discord, I don’t know what you think you’re doing, but whatever it is, I’m not going to fall for it."

With a snarl the goddess tossed him off, rolled over, and pinned him to the ground. "What’s your problem, mortal?" She shoved him back as he tried to push her away. "I got the goods, I’m a babe *and* a goddess. Any man would kill to have me!"

Iolaus surged upward, and flipped her over onto her back again. He said, "You know, you’re right. A man *would* have to be a homicidal maniac to fall for you. Sooooo, why don’t you go and find Ares, and leave me alone!"

He climbed to his feet and headed resolutely toward the palace.

Discord bounded up, shouting, "You’re pathetic! You’re nothing! You think I could really be interested in you?" The warrior ignored her. She shrieked with anger. "I was doing you a favor, you miserable little mortal!" Nothing. "Come back here!"

Iolaus continued walking. As he swiped at the dust and grass covering his vest, he heard an enraged squeal behind him, and a furious POW as Discord vanished.

By the time Iolaus made it back to the palace, Hercules and Linus had returned. Hercules saw the blood running down his friend’s face and approached him with concern.

"What happened?"

"Discord happened," Iolaus spat.

"Discord? Again?"

"Yeah. She’s after me or something. She keeps trying to-- trying to--"

"Trying to what?"

Iolaus flapped his hands in exasperation. "You know, she’s-- she’s-- she’s *after* me!"

Hercules stared at the smaller man. "You mean she’s *after you* after you? Discord?"

"Yeah," Iolaus accepted a damp cloth from Linus and pressed it to his wounded head. "And I’m telling you if she doesn’t knock it off, this bizarre game of hers is going to get me killed."

Hercules was silent. Iolaus glanced at the demi-god, saw a stifled grin floating across his friend’s lips.

"What? What is so funny?"

Hercules held up his hands. "Nothing! Really." He paused. "I just think it’s nice that you have a groupie."

"I don’t need this right now."

"No, really, I think you deserve one--"

"Herc, I *really* don’t need this."

Luckily Niobe and Hector chose that moment to come into the room. Iolaus assured the queen that he was fine, that he’d just got a little bump on the head; Hector turned to Linus.

"We weren’t expecting you until tomorrow." He said the words flatly, as if knowing the answer to his unspoken question.

Linus nodded, and said quietly, "Several regiments of Taperdaian and Oraimi soldiers have gathered on the northern border. And we have word that a troop of soldiers are moving in from the south, as well."

In the heavy silence that enveloped Linus’ words, Niobe shook her head grimly. "So. We prepare for the invasion."

No oddly-named horse from my past as a polo groom was harmed during the writing of this section.

The little town of Palpi, far removed from the tensions brewing in Attica, swelled with the cacophony of celebration. The son and daughter of the two wealthiest Palpi families were getting married, and the whole town had been invited to the wedding. Normally, Discord would have attended the festivities herself; what better place than amonst in-laws and jealous ex-lovers to wreak a little havoc? But she ignored the partygoers, and instead strode deliberately into the temple of Palpi's patron goddess.

The bride and groom had obviously been there. Piles of flowers and fruit, and scrolls covered with gushing thank yous to the goddess of love, were strewn everywhere. Discord stood out like a black-clad, sour-faced stain against the pastel cushions and beautiful statues.

Crossing her arms over her chest, she stared impatiently at the altar.

Finally she growled, "All right, Aphrodite. Out!"

A bubbly giggle echoed through the temple; in a burst of ruby light and a swirl of diaphanous silk, a vision of beauty blossomed on the couch beside the altar. Aphrodite rested her chin on a perfect, delicate hand, and flashed her heart-stopping wide-eyed gaze at Discord.

"So! Having a little trouble with Herc’s hot little sidekick, are we?" Aphrodite squealed delightedly and floated to her feet. She grabbed a pink rose from a nearby bouquet, and sighed. "I can see what you like, though. For a mortal that guy's got one bitchin' bod!"

Discord rolled her eyes. "Yeah, whatever. Just do me a favor and slap a spell on him or something, got it?" She got ready to vacate the place when Aphrodite snorted,

"Not likely, babe."

"Why not?" Discord demanded.

"For one thing, wouldn't that go against the terms of your agreement with Ares? You're supposed to snag sweetcheeks with your-" she wrinkled her nose, "-charms alone. And besides, as much as I like to mess with the little guy, it's not like I *hate* him. No way, if he's gonna fall for you, it'll have to be his fault, not mine!"

"Look, I can do this by myself, Aphrodite. I just thought you could help me skip the stupid courtship crap these mortals are into."

Aphrodite shook her head as she poked through a bowl of peaches. "Why don't you just give it up, sister? I mean, like Ares said, you're totally the wrong type for Iolaus."

The raven-haired goddess draped her hands over her supple hips and sneered, "I am any man's type."

Aphrodite dropped a peach back in the bowl, and laughed. "As *if*!"

Discord shot her a vicious look. "He fell for Xena, didn't he?"

"Just means you're one bad girl too late, babe." Aphrodite shrugged. "Give it up."

Discord stomped up to the voluptuous goddess, who was checking her perfect teeth in a mirror. "Listen, love goddess. I *will* get this guy, with or without your help." Her eyes narrowed. "He's gonna fall for me if it kills him!"

Aphrodite sighed. "All right all right all right! No need to get all femme fatale on me." She turned and regarded her tempermental sister critically. She took in the dominatrix threads, the severely slicked back hair, the overly dramatic make-up--not to mention the major bad attitude. Sighing again, she said, "Well, you can't say I don't like a good challenge."

The next afternoon, Iolaus found Niobe standing along one of the battlements, staring out over the city. As he approached, she said,

"You know, when we got word that Taperdaia was building forces to invade Attica, I sent communications to several of the surrounding kingdoms, requesting their support." She tipped her head back slighty, resting it against the stone wall. "Those that responded at all politely informed me that they didn’t have the economic means or manpower to spare, but that certainly at any other time they would be willing to lend their support."

Iolaus wrapped his arms around her waist and rested his chin on her shoulder. "In other words, call them if you win the war."

"Something like that." She sighed. "From the reports Linus and Hercules brought back, Taperdaia and Oraimi together have amassed an incredible force. Add to that the troops coming in from the south--Iolaus, what if we lose this war? Everything I’ve worked for, everything we’ve both suffered for, it would all be for nothing."

The blond warrior pulled away from the beautiful young queen and turned her to look at him. "Listen to me, Niobe. We’re not going to lose your kingdom. No matter how strong their forces may seem, you have a kingdom full of happy, loyal people. They won’t let you down. And, you have Hector and Linus, who are brilliant soldiers. You’ve got Herc, who’s a one-man army. And most importantly, you have me," he grinned impishly, "Which, of course, guarantees success!"

Niobe giggled. "Oh, don’t tell me you have the *gods* on your side!"

"Ah, who needs ‘em! I’m just a natural good luck charm."

He snapped his hand forward, and to his surprise found himself holding an arrow inches away from Niobe’s head. He blinked, then grabbed Niobe and yanked her down below the battlement as another arrow zipped over head.

"See? What’d I tell you--good luck charm." He peered over the wall, and caught sight of an archer hidden in a tower across the courtyard. Ducking down, he motioned for them to start moving toward the stairs. "Looks like your guys from the north decided to try a more immediate approach to winning this war."

Suddenly a shout rose up from the courtyard, with the clash of swords. They heard Hector desperately calling Niobe’s name. Iolaus peeked over the wall.

A contingent of northern soldiers, dressed as peasants, were locked in battle with Hector, Linus, Hercules and several palace guards. Just as Iolaus saw a group break away and head toward the stairway up to the battlement, Niobe leaped up and left-hooked a soldier who had snuck up behind them. In seconds the stairway spilled forth with shouting men. Niobe snatched up an unlit torch and swung at two of their attackers. Iolaus leaped forward, catching one man with a boot in the gut and another with a spinning kick to the temple. He saw both of Niobe’s attackers go down with bloodied faces; grabbing her arm, they ran into a tower and dashed down the spiral staircase. Niobe ran through the door out into the courtyard, but before Iolaus could follow, the door abruptly slammed shut.

"What the--" A sizzling snap like heat lightning lit the dim tower and a truly bizarre sight met the warrior’s eyes: a vision of dangerous beauty, clothed in flowing emerald chiffon, with supple waves of black hair tumbling around a delicately elfin face.

Iolaus’ jaw dropped. "Discord?"

Rosy lips parted in a mischievous smile. She glided toward him and snaked an arm around his neck. "So what do you think?"

Footsteps pounded down the spiral staircase as Iolaus stuttered a reply.

"You you you I mean you look great but but--" He pushed her away as she leaned in for a kiss. "But this is a really bad time--"

His head snapped back as a fist flew past Discord and connected with his face. Not able to see the goddess, the enemy soldiers stepped through her, grabbing the blond warrior and throwing him up against the door. Iolaus blocked the first incoming punches, but when couple landed, he pretended to sag painfully to the ground. As the soldiers stepped back to kick the downed man, Iolaus surged up, bowling over one man, and throwing him into two of him compatriots.

He scrambled up the stairs and back out onto the battlement. He hadn't gotten two feet before the sultry goddess blocked his path.

"What's the matter, Iolaus," she pouted. "Don't you like what you see?"

"Discord, I'm kind of busy right now--" Iolaus stumbled forward from a numbing blow to the back of the head. A kick to the stomach landed him hard on his side. He rolled over and threw his hands up to block the plunging sword, steeled himself for biting pain--

The soldier vanished, sword and all.

The three others piling out of the tower disappeared, too.

Discord looked at him, the mercury flash fading from her eyes. "You're not busy anymore."

Iolaus clambered to his feet, weaving a little from the throbbing in his head. "Where did they go?"

"Does that matter?" The goddess prowled toward him.

"Discord, wait." Iolaus backed slowly away from her. "I am really impressed. I *never* would have thought--I mean, you look fantastic! But--"

"But nothing. Give it up, Iolaus." She thrust him up against the wall of the tower. "I'm gorgeous, I'm divine, what more could you want?"

"Wait, listen!" Iolaus put up his hands to hold her away from him. "This is all . . . very flattering, really! But, you and I--it's just not going to happen. You're just not my type."

The goddess stepped back, all pretense of charm falling away. "You listen to me, mortal. I went to a lot of trouble for all of this," she gestured sharply at her new look. "And my patience with you has *run* *out*."

Just then Hercules burst from the tower. "Iolaus--!" He skidded to a stop when he saw Discord. "Wow! Discord?" He glanced at Iolaus and muttered, "Did I miss something?"

"No," the goddess snapped. "In fact, you're just in time." With a roar, the stones beneath her feet exploded into flames; the fire rushed over her, dissolving over her skin into familiar black leather. Darkly lined eyes narrowed; she raised her voice, shouting, "Hear that, Ares? Deal's off!" She snarled at Iolaus, "Now, you stupid little man. You're going to pay for rejecting me!"

The battlement erupted into a maelstrom of shattered rock; Iolaus felt the walkway begin to give, and he threw himself over the wall into the courtyard. He hit the ground rolling, pelted by debris. Over the chaos he heard Discord's shrieking laugh.

Suddenly, everything fell silent. Iolaus lay on his back, covered with blood and pebbles, head spinning with pain and tattered equilibrium. He waited for Discord to appear and finish him off.

"Iolaus?"

He heard Niobe's voice through the ringing in his ears. He opened his eyes, blinked through the dust. Hector and Niobe hovered over him. "Is she gone?"

Niobe looked around. "Is who gone?"

Hector offered his hand, and pulled Iolaus to his feet. Linus was doing the same for Hercules.

"Are you okay?" Hercules asked.

"No, I'm NOT okay!" Iolaus slapped furiously at the dirt covereing his clothes and skin and wiped at the blood on his face. "I have a psychopathic goddess following me around, how could I possibly be *okay*!" He brushed past his friends and stormed toward the castle gate. Hercules jogged after him.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"You heard what Discord said--Ares put her up to this. I'm going to go to his temple and give him a piece of my mind."

"Iolaus, wait," the demi-god grabbed his friend's arm. "That's not going to do you any good."

"Yeah, well, maybe I can trash few of his statues while I'm there. That will at least make me *feel* better."

"Iolaus--."

The furious warrior stopped and glared at Hercules, and at Niobe and Hector, who had joined them. "Look, I have had it with being a pawn in the gods' little pranks! So unless any of you have a better idea, get out of my way!"

Iolaus kicked open the heavy black doors of Ares' temple. He stormed into the silent chamber and looked around.

"All right, Ares," he demanded. "Where is she?"

A flicker of light found the black-clad god of war lounging on his throne. He grinned and asked innocently, "Who?"

Iolaus crossed his arms. "You know who. Discord."

Ares picked a piece of lint from his metal-studded leather tunic. "Why do you ask? She hasn't been causing you any . . . trouble, has she?"

Before the blond warrior could answer, Discord sparkled into being directly in front of him. She favored him with a petulant glare.

"What do you want, mortal?"

Stepping to within a hair's breadth of the petite goddess, Iolaus growled, "I'm tired of playing your little game." He grabbed her by the neck, pulled her forward, and kissed her passionately.

Discord yanked away and gave the warrior a kick to the chest that sent him flying across the temple. A seductive leer settled over her lips, and she purred, "Really? And I thought you were enjoying it."

She vanished and reappeared next to Iolaus; Ares watched in astonishment as the warrior leaped to his feet and pinned Discord up against the wall.

"I was. But every man has his limit."

The god of war trembled with speechless fury as the goddess and the mortal fell into another deep kiss. Launching out of his throne, he bellowed,

"HEY! DO YOU MIND?"

Discord looked up in innocent surprise; Iolaus turned with annoyance and replied, "Yes, actually, we do. So if you could just find another temple to hang out in for a bit--"

Ares sputtered with rage. "You-- you-- insolent mortal!"

Discord rolled her eyes. "Chill out, Ares."

"Yeah," Iolaus said. "Wasn't this your idea anyway?" He grinned suggestively at Discord. "Maybe you should give up war and start a dating service."

Ares' face glowed red; the rug beneath his feet began to smoke as hot rage whirled around him. "Do I LOOK like the god of LOVE to you?" He roared.

The warrior stifled a reply. Discord grabbed a handful of his vest and drew him toward the temple doors. "Come on, mortal. We can finish this elsewhere." She tossed her coal-black hair and smiled mockingly at Ares as they left.

Howling fury shook the temple.

Niobe laughed madly as Iolaus told her what had happened at Ares' temple.

"--'do I look like the god of love?' I almost died!"

"Because-- because of that alternate-" Niobe gasped with laughter; Iolaus nodded through his giggles.

Finally their laughter died down, and they sprawled breathlessly on the couch in Niobe's parlor. Iolaus reached out and brushed a strand of beautiful curls from the queen's face; she took his hand and pressed it against her cheek.

"Well, at least with the threat of war gone, we can actually spend some time together while you're here."

Iolaus raised an eyebrow. "You know, that was a brilliant idea you had. I help Discord pull one over on Ares, in return for her diverting Taperdaia and Oraimi away from Attica."

"I thought so." Niobe grinned mischievously and snuggled into the warrior's arms. "So, what do you suppose she did?"

Discord leaned against the arm of Ares' throne. "Pouting doesn't become you, Ares."

The god's stunningly dark eyes sizzled and snapped with silent anger.

"Oh, come on. I won this deal fair and square." She examined a long sharp fingernail. "Anyway, one insignificant little mortal can't really hold my attention for long. Too fragile, too--" she curled her lip in disgust, "--ethical."

She walked around the throne and slipped onto the war god's lap. "I prefer my men omnipotent, and bad to the bone."

Ares scowled. "That puny mortal has nothing on me."

"That's right, so why don't we forget about him for now," Discord's eyes glittered. "Because I have a little surprise for you."

Ares glanced at her with interest. She grinned.

"It seems the diplomacy-challenged king of a place called Taperdaia couldn't help but insult the queen of his neighboring kingdom. The king of Oraimi doesn't take kindly to his wife being called a 'hairy, fat-nosed hysterical witch."'

Ares looked bored. "But isn't Taperdaia a pathetic, tiny little kingdom? If this comes to war, Oraimi will crush it in under a week."

"Not if you intervene. A little blood-lust here, several wagon- loads of weapons there. Maybe even a mercenary or two for good measure . . . ."

Wicked pleasure slowly washed over the war god's face. He chuckled. "Oh, I like the way you think, sister."

Discord tapped a triumphant finger under the handsome god's chin and purred, "Of course, a deal's a deal. *I* get to go with you, right?"

Ares shot her a devious look, and leered. "Let's do some damage!"

The End.

Any resemblance anywhere in this story between Discord and a vaguely likable character is, obviously, an illusion. Discord remains the misguided Harpy wannabe we all love to hate. No offense meant to Harpies, of course.

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