Once upon a time, three thieves had a partnership. The first thief was strong, the second was daring, and the third was both clever and charming.
The day came when they decided to go their separate ways. They sat down, and divided the spoils from their latest heist. All that sat before them, as they pondered their split, was a donkey, a knife, and a stout basket.
"Hmmm. Not too promising." The clever thief said (thinking to himself that they were dissolving their partnership about six months too late).
"I'll take the donkey," The strong thief said, "He can help to carry my food. If I'm to remain strong, I must carbo-load."
"I'll take the knife," The daring thief proclaimed, "I can always use another weapon."
"OK," sighed the clever thief, with a gleam in his eyes, "I guess that leaves the basket for me. Well, it's been great working with you. Take care of yourselves."
He hefted the basket under his arm, and headed down the road, with hunched shoulders and a mournful face. Once he was sure that he was out of view of his erstwhile partners, he headed off the road and found a quiet spot, then settled down to contemplate the basket.
"It's a nice, heavy basket, and I can't help but wonder why that old coot fought so hard to protect it. Well, there's only one way to find out," He squared his broad shoulders, and reached for the clasp which secured the lid, "Is it soiled tunics? Or, something a bit more valuable?"
He bent closer, and peered into the dark recesses of the woven box. A glimmer of gold, and a flash of topaz blue greeted his gaze, and he sighed happily.
"Ah. A treasure. Autolycus, my friend, you truly are a genius."
He reached forward, ready to slip soft gold and shimmering jewels through his clever fingers. The basket rocked, and he fell backward, as a golden flash left the basket, landing silently before it.
There stood a delicate, golden cat, with a sweet white chin, a round little chest of apricot hue, and tiny black tufts gracing it's pricked ears.
"A cat? No, this can't be happening!" Autolycus upended the basket, but, nothing fell out, "Great. A cat. My fortune is made."
He slumped onto a log and glared at the feline. It regarded him silently, through glowing blue eyes, then quietly set about cleaning its tawny fur with a tiny pink tongue, tidying its whiskers carefully, and curling it's black-tipped tail about its front paws just so. Apparently satisfied that it had amended its appearance sufficiently, it returned its cerulean gaze to the thief's handsome face.
"So. I'm the proud owner of a basket, and a cat. Once I sell the basket, make stew of the cat, and fashion a pouch from its fur, I'll hardly be any better off than I was before. Still, it does have beautiful fur," he reached forward to experimentally run a finger over the cat's fuzzy face, "it'll make a great-looking pouch."
The cat blinked up at him, and yawned. Then, it nuzzled against his questing finger and spoke.
"You know, Autolycus, you might want to reconsider the whole stew idea. For one thing, it sounds awful; nobody really likes boiled cat. For another, I think that I might prove to be worth much more to you alive than digested."
Autolycus thought for a moment.
He had traveled to every corner of Greece, several times over. He had never seen a talking cat.
"Well, I'm not drunk. Maybe I'm hallucinating." He felt his forehead, "No fever." He felt the cat's nose, "Wet, and cold. We both appear to be fine. That troubles me."
"Don't worry about it. Just light a fire, and I'll go scare up something for dinner."
The cat tossed the words over one sleek shoulder, and slipped into the woods without so much as a by-your-leave. Autolycus shook his head, and built a fire, muttering to himself about bossy cats and heavy baskets. He had settled down comfortably, and was on the verge of dozing, when the cat returned, dragging a brace of quail.
"So, you're back. I thought you had high-tailed it out of here." Autolycus' mouth was watering at the sight of the fine, fat quail which the cat had snagged.
"I don't like raw quail." Was the golden feline's answer.
The cat took a nap while Autolycus prepared the quail, which they ate in companionable silence. The cat consumed his portion tidily, and cleaned himself carefully once he'd finished. Then, the thief settled down before the fire, and the cat curled up in his lap, purring softly.
"You need a name, I guess. Do you already have one?"
"I'm yours to name, Autolycus. After all, didn't you steal me fair and square?" The cat murmured, irony coloring his light, sweet voice.
"Yes. Yes, I did. All right then, your name is Puss." Autolycus stroked the cat as he spoke, finding the best scratching places under its little white chin, and behind its clever, tufted ears.
"Puss. Wow. You really gave that one a lot of thought, didn't you?" The cat slanted a laughing glance up at the thief, before settling in to enjoy the petting.
Autolycus accepted the sarcasm without demur, as he had accepted the irony. After all, anyone who has ever spent any time with a cat knows what smart-alecks they are, even the ones that don't talk.
They settled into a comfortable routine over the next few days. They traveled down the road together, Puss trotting lithely at Autolycus' side, or curled up around his shoulders like a soft, purring cape. Each evening, the cat, who was a clever hunter, would snare their dinner, and the thief would cook. Then, they would relax before the fire, and Puss would settle in Autolycus' lap for a thorough petting, while the thief regaled him with tales of his past exploits, and his brilliant plans for future heists. At night, the cat would stretch out on his owner's chest, warmer and more comforting than any blanket.
Autolycus began to fret a bit, after a while. He wanted a soft bed, and delicious food. He needed to pull a daring job. He complained mightily to Puss one night, as they sat before the fire, and the cat looked up at him from under his caressing hand.
"I'll tell you what, Autolycus. Have some boots made for my back paws, at the next village we reach, and I'll see that you are wallowing in luxury before the harvest is finished."
"Boots? You want boots? Puss, you are, without a doubt, the strangest cat I've ever met. But, what have I got to lose? After all, if a cat talks to you, you'd be a fool not to listen."
"You've got a point. Uh, a little more to the left." Puss purred as Autolycus scratched just the right spot, and fell happily asleep.
Thus, it was a properly booted cat who trotted upon his hind legs at Autolycus' side when they reached the next province. The lands were rich, the water sparkling, and the peasants sang happily as they went about their daily tasks.
Puss set off on his own, one morning, and spoke to every peasant he saw. They were in the province of Queen Diana, who was wise, benevolent, and quite a babe. He traveled further, running at cheetah-speed, though he was only an Abyssinian, and soon reached the neighboring province. Here the land was just as rich, and the water just as clear, but the peasants were silent and fearful, their backs bent nearly double with their toil. Puss questioned them, as well, and learned that this was the province of the dreaded ogre Dur. Dur was a cruel giant, who could transform himself into any shape he chose.
Puss sat down and took a quick bath, thinking hard the while, then headed back to Autolycus. He told each peasant he saw in Dur's province to tell anyone who asked that these were the lands of the great Master Briscounticus.
"After all," Puss grinned to himself, "couldn't it someday be the truth?"
He was exhausted when he curled up on Autolycus' lap that night, and fell asleep before the thief had even begun to scratch his little chin.
The next day, Puss headed out early, and caught two of the finest, sleekest rabbits which the world has ever seen. He hauled these rabbits to the stronghold of the lovely Diana, and was granted admittance to her presence. He tidied his fur, polished up his boots, and shouldered his catch, striding toward her chair to place the rabbits at her dainty feet.
"A gift for you, great Queen, from Master Briscounticus."
"Thank your master for me." Said the Queen, privately thinking that any man who had such a gorgeous talking cat for an envoy must be interesting, indeed.
Puss saw the speculative gleam in her glance, and saucily winked one bold, blue eye before backing from her presence.
Each day, for the next two weeks, Puss brought a tribute to Queen Diana. They were soon on good terms with one another, and Puss even deigned to allow her to scratch behind his ears, from time to time. The queen tried diligently to learn more about the clever cat's mysterious master, but Puss merely twitched his tail and giggled softly.
Upon leaving the stronghold, one day, Puss overheard the servants speaking about the chariot trip which their queen intended upon taking the next day. He crept stealthily up to the door, and listened, until he'd memorized the route which they would take, then slipped away to rejoin his master.
The next day, Puss dragged Autolycus along until they reached a beautiful lake.
"I think you really need a swim, Autolycus. The day is hot, and fine, and you are sweating like a pig."
Autolycus looked at the lake. The water *did* look terribly inviting, but, he didn't do *anything* like a pig.
"I think I'll throw you into the lake, instead, Puss."
"Come on, Autolycus. Have a swim. Trust me." Puss blinked up at him with soft, blue eyes, and the thief melted.
"OK, OK. You know," the thief muttered, as he stripped off his dusty, green clothes, "that whole stew idea is sounding better every day."
He sighed happily as he slipped into the cool water, and was soon swimming joyfully about, singing a bawdy song and trying to splash clever Puss, who evaded each attempt. Once he was sure that Autolycus was absorbed in his play, Puss hid the thief's clothing.
Just in time. His ears twitched as he heard the thundering of approaching wheels, and he had only a moment to compose himself before a company of chariots thundered into view. The lead chariot, which held Queen Diana, stopped upon viewing him, and the rest wheeled up around it.
"Good Puss," the beautiful queen exclaimed, "what brings you here?"
"Great Queen, thank the gods that you have come! My master was set upon by thieves. He fought valiantly, but was overcome. They stripped him of his clothes, and jewels, and threw him into the lake."
Autolycus chose that moment to begin another lusty verse of his song, and Puss fought a glower. Humans.
"Ermmm, he must have taken a blow to the head. Do you have any clothing which he might borrow?"
The Queen, of course, always carried an extra tunic or two with her, as one never knew when one might happen upon a naked man. She gestured regally, and a servant stepped forward with a fine linen tunic and a golden belt.
Puss went to the edge of the lake and called to his master.
"Master! Good Master! Help has arrived, in the person of the gorgeous Queen Diana. I have told her of your fight with the thieves, who overcame you by their knavery. Step forward; she has graciously provided clothing for you."
Autolycus, who had been on the verge of harassing Puss for showing such uncustomary obsequiousness toward him, listened to his cat's rather pointed words, and cleverly played along. He stepped gracefully from the water behind a sheltering hedge, and accepted the tunic.
The queen couldn't help but admire the way the water glistened on the thief's fine, strong shoulders (the hedge obscured the view of the rest of his form - not that she was looking, mind you), and was equally impressed by the way the deep red of the tunic enhanced his dark good looks, and the slimness of the hips which the golden belt embraced.
"My thanks, gracious queen. Please, allow me to introduce myself. I am …"
"My most valiant Master Briscounticus. Master, may I present the glorious Queen Diana." Puss bowed regally, and Autolycus accepted his new name without so much as a twitch of a long, dark eyelash.
"Good Master Briscounticus; would you care to join me in my chariot? We are touring the land, and enjoying the warm sun."
"It would be my pleasure, madam." Autolycus joined the queen, and motioned for Puss to hop up on his shoulders.
"No, my master, you go on ahead. I have some hunting to do."
Puss watched as they rode away, then ran like the wind to the stronghold of the Ogre Dur.
"Seeing as how I'm in the neighborhood, it would be quite rude of me not to stop and say hidey-ho to his Ogreness. Ogerosity? Whatever."
Puss strode bravely forward, and was admitted into the ogre's presence by a trembling servant.
"Greetings, Great Ogre Dur. How are you, this fine day?"
"Hungry, little puss. You'd make a nice snack, I think. I'll pick my teeth with your pretty little boots." The ogre's rank breath nearly singed Puss's soft, golden fur as the horrible giant leaned forward, licking his thick, green lips.
"Uh, right. Ummm, you know, your Ogrehood, I'm much too small to make above a mouthful. What say we drink some ale, and talk about this?"
The ogre was always up for a beer, so they settled down to some serious elbow bending. Puss was being as charming as he possibly could, which was extremely charming indeed. By the time Dur had drained his fifth tankard, and Puss his third saucer, the ogre was tickling the pretty cat's apricot chest, and laughing at Puss' clever jokes and ribald songs.
"So, I said … "What, you've never seen a cat in a hat, before?" Puss cackled madly, and Dur roared happily, scritching Puss' sleek head.
"Hey, Dur. I heard that you can change into any shape you want. Is that true?"
"Only animalsh, kitty. I can turn into aaaannny aminal … animal I want, jshust like that." Dur, a bit tipsy, tried to snap his fingers, but couldn't quite manage it.
"Really? Wow. You are so kewl. Could you turn into a … a … I don't know. Wait, I've got it - a gigantic bear?"
"Of coursh I can, shweet kitty. Hey, you want some fish, or milk or shomething?"
"No, I'm fine. But …" Puss' voice trailed off, and he lapped at his beer, forlornly.
"But what, kitty? You wanna liddle bit of catnip?"
"Dur. You've been such a nice host. I don't want to annoy you; I'd just really like to see you change into a gigantic bear." Puss turned his wide blue eyes up to the ogre's horrible face.
"OK, liddle kitty. I'll do it. Then, I'll eat a sh .. servant or two, an' we'll take a liddle nap."
"Ermmm, sounds great." Puss swallowed nervously.
A flash! There, before the quaking kitty, stood a huge, roaring bear!
With a "Yikes!!!" and a "Stripes!!!!", Puss leapt out the window, plastering himself against the roof and waiting until his heart stopped pounding, and the roaring ceased. Then he peeked his pointed, little face around the window, relief flooding his huge, blue eyes as he saw the ogre sitting in his chair, and laughing fit to beat the band.
Puss made his graceful way back to the table, stropping against the ogre's ankles by way of thanks. He lapped up a little more ale, then turned his attention to the smug ogre.
"That was incredible, Dur! I was scared half to death! It seems strange, though. I mean, you can change into something that huge, but, can you change into something as tiny as that bear was big? It just doesn't seem possible."
"Sure itsh posshible, kitty. Jusht watch thish."
A pop! There, before Puss, stood a tiny little mouse, with a twitching pink nose. Puss pounced, and gulped him down in one swallow. The cat settled back on his golden haunches, and belched loudly.
"Needs salt." He leapt to the table and finished his ale, then called the servants into the room.
"Your horrible ogre has met his match. From now on, you work for Master Briscounticus, the cleverest man in the land. He will be here soon, with his entourage. See that a fine feast is prepared, that the chambers are aired and sweetened, and that the flute players limber up their lips. I'll be taking a nap, if you have any questions." With a twitch of his tail, Puss settled in the window seat, still burping occasionally.
Meanwhile, Autolycus and Diana had been enjoying their journey, and the company. They laughed, and flirted, and whiled away the time. Soon, they entered the neighboring province. Seeing the lush olive groves flanking the road, Diana motioned for the chariot to be stopped, and questioned the peasants tending the trees.
"To whom do these lovely trees belong?" She asked.
"To Master Briscounticus, of course."
Queen Diana looked at Autolycus, who blushed a bit and looked away.
She asked the same question at the rolling wheat fields, and the busy mill, and received the same answer.
Finally, they reached a huge stronghold, and rolled to a stop, once again.
"To whom does this stronghold belong?" Diana asked the servant in the courtyard.
"To wonderful Master Briscounticus!" A sweet voice proclaimed.
It was Puss! He stood at the doors to the stronghold, and ushered the group in with a courtly bow. They were led to fine, fresh rooms, where they washed away the dust from their journey, before gathering in the main hall, to sit at long tables groaning with delicious food, and heady wine. They ate and drank until their sides were like to burst, as they listened to the sweet music and enjoyed the beautiful surroundings.
"Sweet Briscounticus," Diana murmured into Autolycus ear, "We are neighbors, it would appear. I think that we owe it to our peoples to be very, very friendly. Shall we marry?"
"Marry?! One thing at a time, glorious queen. One thing at a time." Autolycus smiled winningly, and Diana sighed inside.
Puss jumped into Autolycus' lap, and the thief rubbed his furry, little head.
"Puss, you are one great cat."
Puss looked at Diana, who was busy talking to one of her companions, and ventured a wink up into Autolycus' face.
"I've done you a favor, my friend. Will you do one for me?"
Autolycus rubbed Puss' soft chest.
"Of course, Puss. What do you want?"
"Take your knife, and cut me open."
"What?!" Autolycus jumped to his feet, dumping Puss to the floor, and causing all of the revelers to crane their necks in his direction.
Puss, who had naturally landed on his feet, rubbed against Autolycus' ankles persistently, until the thief picked him up, and cuddled him close while scratching behind his little ears.
"Puss, you can't mean it."
"I do mean it. Please. Trust me."
Autolycus looked down at the clever, blue eyes, and the fuzzy, little face. He petted, and scratched, and kissed the cat's head by way of farewell. He had to do what Puss asked.
"All right, Puss. I'll miss you."
Puss bumped his little head up under Autolycus' chin, and relaxed in the thief's arms.
The handsome thief took up his steak knife, and slit the golden cat's apricot stomach with one quick stroke.
The golden fur fell away, and there stood the most beautiful man that any of the observers had ever seen. His hair was a tumbled mass of tangled gold, and his eyes were glowing blue. His ivory skin was as smooth as silk, and his body a very vision of muscular perfection. A blush rose to his handsome face, and he pulled the cloth from the nearest table, sending food and flowers flying, tying it around his tight waist. A disappointed sigh rose from many of the assembled diners as he did so.
"Puss?" Autolycus asked, his voice breaking with disbelief.
"Puss?" The queen exclaimed, her eyes raking him from head to toe.
"Yeah. Well, actually, Iolaus is the name. What a weird couple of months I've had! The next time someone says that a place is cursed, I'll remember to take them literally. Thank you, Au … Master Briscounticus. I'll be forever in your debt. I gotta run; a friend is waiting for me in Ithaca. Look me up, sometime, would you?" Iolaus' bright, blue eyes gleamed up at the tall thief, and dimples flashed in his lean cheeks, "Just ask for Hercules … I'll be at his side."
He grasped Autolycus' arm in a strong grip, and headed from the hall, a compact, glowing figure, crowned with sunlight.
Autolycus watched as the doors fell closed behind Iolaus.
That cat had been the best company he'd ever known.
The end
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