It was a dark and stormy night. Iolaus' skin tingled as he and Jason were inside of their house. Ever since sunset one week ago, the two had been having a strange feeling. It was an odd feeling of both fear and anxiety.
"I don't like this." Iolaus said for the fifteenth time as he paced back and forth. "He said that he will be back four days ago and he's late."
Jason had an appearence of calmness around him. It was practiced over the years back when he was a king. "You know Hercules. He probrably got delayed by helping someone out."
"I know. I know." Iolaus muttered. "I knew it was too good to be true. I thought Herc and me can finally have some peace when Hera and Zeus kiss and make up."
Jason nodded. It had been over a month since Hercules told him about how Hera and Zeus did make up and Hera had given up her hatred toward the demi-god. Of course, there's still a million things in this world that could hurt Hercules. There's still Ares, monsters, and perhaps even Dahock to be considered. No, the world isn't at peace and Iolaus knows it.
"Hercules can handle himself." He said again to convince Iolaus and himself.
There was a knock at the door. The two warriors slowly stood up. The rapping wasn't hard and heavy like Hercule's usual knock. It was lighter.
"Expecting visitors?" Iolaus asked as he slowly came upon the door.
"No." Jason replied as he followed the hunter. "Might be a lost traveler."
There was another knocking. "Coming!" Iolaus said as he quickly opened the door and twirl to the front and stopped.
Standing there was a tall beautiful woman. Her light brown hair was drenched and was spattered on her face. Her soft saphire eyes stood out against her deeply tanned skin. Her body was covered by a long wet cloak for her protection. She shivered from the cold.
"Can I come in?" She asked softly. Her voice was a soft gentle tenor.
"Sure." Iolaus managed to say as he opened the door completely.
The woman smiled and entered the house. "Thank you, Iolaus."
Jason's eyes widen. Iolaus just shook his head.
"I'm sorry, miss. Ummmm... I think you mistaken me for someone else." **She must've met my other me that Herc was telling me about.**
"No. Iolaus, Jason, it's me. Don't you recognize me?" The woman begged as she undid her long cloak and placed it on the chair. Her outfit consisted of a light beige shirt that exposed the higher part of her chest. Her body was that of an amazon. She was also wearing a pair of dark leather pair of pants with matching shoes.
Iolaus and Jason glanced at the woman and then at themselves. A tall buffed up woman who knew their names. Her brown hair, blue eyes and her clothes all add up to one virtually impossible conclusion.
"Hercules?" Jason and Iolaus asked at the same time.
The woman nodded. "Sorry, I'm late. It's a long story."
"By all means, this I can't wait to hear," Iolaus said.
"Well, "Dite had this problem..," Hercules began.
"Buddy, it doesn't look to me like 'Dite is the one with the problem!" Iolaus exclaimed.
"That's because you haven't seen 'Dite."
"'DITE'S a guy?!"
"Oh, no, it's worse than that." Hercules said mysteriously.
Jason and Iolaus exchanged a quick glance, each silently daring the other to ask what could qualify as 'worse'.
Finally, Jason suggested, "Maybe, the story could wait after you dry off. Your clothes are soaked." He observed as he looked away.
Iolaus glanced at the transformed demigoddess. Hercules' shirt was soaked and was clinging to her chest. "Yeah." He muttered as he tried to remember that this was his best friend and partner. **This is Herc. She's a man. It will never work.**
"Ummm...Iolaus." Hercules said as she crossed her arms in front of her chest.
"Huh? Yeah?" Iolaus said as he snapped out of his trance.
"You're drooling."
Iolaus wiped his mouth and turned red. "Sorry. What happened to Dite?"
Hercules looked down. "You wouldn't believe me unless I show you. Aphrodite? Can you come here?" She said as she prayed, "Don't worry, Jason and Iolaus won't laugh."
A scroll came out of nowhere and the demigoddess read, "Forget it? Aphrodite! Please, Iolaus needs to know!"
"Oh fine!" A masculine voice came out of nowhere and a bright array of sparkles came out of nowhere and out came Ares dressed in white. "This is so humiliating!" He said as he pouted in a very unAres sort of way.
Iolaus stepped back in shock. "Dite?"
The former goddess nodded. "Hey, Curly!"
Iolaus glanced at Hercules and Aphrodite and did what any normal person would do. He fainted.
Iolaus' eyelids fluttered and opened. The hunter found himself looking into the smiling face of..Ares?!
"AARGH!"
"Oh, good, he's awake," said Jason's voice from somewhere nearby.
Iolaus scrambled out of Ares clutching arms straight into another, even stronger pair.
"Hush, Iolaus, it's just 'Dite," Said the owner of the arms.
Gently she brushed back Iolaus' bangs. Then, overcome with the need to comfort 'her' friend, Hercules did what she always did. She gave Iolaus a bearhug.
Iolaus fainted again.
"You know, in any other situation except this one, I'd swear he did that on purpose," Jason commented, supressing a smirk as Hercules rose, Iolaus cradled gently in 'her' arms.
"I think maybe I'd better put him to bed," Hercules said thoughtfully.
"Absolutely not, young lady!" Jason said in his best 'step-father' voice.
'Dite giggled as he thought on the possibilities of having this couple stay together.
Hercules did a pout. "But, Dad, he's unconcious. I wouldn't take advantage of him. Honest."
"I'll get him into bed." Dite said, "And you do need some new threads."
Iolaus twisted and turned as he woke up with a start. He looked around at the room he was staying at. "It was just a dream. A strange demented dream. Morphius must've had something against me." He muttered as he sat up.
"No, it's not." A femenite voice said as thunder struck.
Iolaus turned his head to Hercules, as her beautiful self. Instead of the soaked clothes she was wearing, she wore a short brown skirt with a nice long sleeved shirt. "Like my outfit? Don't you dare faint on me, this time."
Iolaus shook his head. "Oh, Herc. Buddy. Pal. I didn't mean to faint like that, it was just that you er... well... you're a babe. No wonder girls go all ga ga when they see you. Those eyes, those hair, whoa. And that chest. Gods, when you held me like that, it was like the Light and the Elyian Fields combined. That outfit looked great on you but I don't remember your mother-"
"Iolaus." Hercules said as she grabbed his hand, "You're babbling."
"I know! How did Aphrodite look just like Ares? And how did you turn into a woman?!"
"Long story." Hercules said as she patted his hand and then awkardly put it away. "Sorry, I forgot again."
Iolaus grinned as his 'act as normal as humanly possible' relex kicked in. "That's okay, Herc. It's not like that you are attracted to men now. I mean, it's all just looks right?"
Hercules winced as she looked down.
"Herc? I know that look anywhere. Come on. Tell me the truth." Iolaus said as he leaned forward.
"Well, no, I'm not attracted to *men* exactly..." she mumbled.
"HERCULES!"
"Darnit, Jason, I am an adult!", the demi-goddess hissed under her breath, clearly annoyed. Aloud, she called in a resigned tone, "Here I am!"
Jason appeared at the door. "Out! Now!", he commanded in a voice that would make warlords quake in their boots.
With a wistful glance at Iolaus, Hercules left.
"You know your legendary charm to the fairer sex?", Jason asked after Hercules had exited.
Iolaus gulped. "Yes?", he ventured nervously.
"Works when you're unconcious, too," Jason said shortly. "Get up, get dressed, and get out into the common room. Now!" At Iolaus' startled statement, Jason explained, "This is the third time I've had to flush her out of here since you've been out. And every time she sneaks off to be with you, she leaves me alone with Aphrodite."
"But Dite's...."
"You think that makes any difference to Aphrodite?", Jason interupted with a long-suffering statement.
"You mean... she er... he flirted with you?!" Iolaus asked, "Jason... flirting with a god?"
"It wasn't like that!" Jason said, "Actually, Aphrodite wanted to... never mind."
"Comeon! I may look like Ares but my love detector is working over time!" Aphrodite said as an upset Hercules sat in a chair.
"No! I'm not in love with Iolaus! He's a guy."
"So? You're a woman now. Go with your instincts. Personally, I think he's cute."
"I know you do." Hercules said as she smiled, "But, I can't."
"Then, why did'ya keep on sneaking off to see Iolaus?" Aphrodite asked as he grinned.
"Because I was worried about him."
"Uh huh."
"It's true."
"Sure right."
"Hey, Herc!" Iolaus said as he and Jason entered the room. "You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." Hercules answered as she lay back in her chair.
"Okay, Herc, tell me, what happened to you and Dite?"
"It's complicated." Aphrodite said as he looked in a mirror. "Maybe, I can get rid of the beard." He muttered as he focused.
Jason and Iolaus ignored the god of love and looked at their demigoddess friend. "Well?" Jason asked.
"When Hera and Zeus got back together, Hera decided to try to reverse all the curses she did over the years." Hercules said, "She was in a hurry and lashed out one huge bolt of power with the help Artimes and Zeus at Earth. Unfortunately, every Olyimpian god who was on the planet got affected. I was only partially affected since I was part god."
"You mean that every god who was on Earth at the time, got altered?" Iolaus asked, "What about the mortals?"
"Only those who were cursed were restored." Aphrodite replied as he turned on his chair. "But, since the bolt was caused by the combined power of three gods, reversing the curse is taking some doing. Don't know what happened to Ares but it gotta be humiliating."
Jason, Iolaus, and Hercules stared at him. "Aphrodite?" Iolaus muttered in shock.
Aphrodite had shaved off Ares' goatee and made his hair longer and into a lighter shade of brown. "What'cha think?"
"Ummm... pretty good." Hercules admitted, "But... umm..."
"You look just like Ipicles!" Jason blurted out.
"No, I don't!" 'Dite protested.
"Yes, you do!" Hercules insisted.
"No, I look like that ancestor of your Mom's that Ipicles takes after."
"But why would Ares look like my Mom's ancestor?' Hercules asked, mystified.
"'Cause he was one of Ares' favorites a while back, so Ares wears his form. You didn't think that was what Ares really looks like, did you, bro?"
"Why doesn't Ares wear his own form?" Iolaus asked.
'Dite shrugged. "He doesn't like it," she explained. "It's that nasty ol' 'helmet-head' look. So, he picks other forms to wear. None of us gods look all that human/mortal, y'know, so we just about all do it. Haven't you guys ever noticed that Dad doesn't look the same all the time?"
"Yes, but you and Ares always look the same," Iolaus protested.
"Not quite, but you mortals are so used to each other changing slightly that you hardly notice when we do it. It's fun. Hair a little longer or shorter, beard or no beard, etc. We all tinker a little or a lot. even Ares tinkers."
"NOT THIS DAMNED MUCH!" roared a very upset voice as Aphrodite, Goddess of War, appeared in their midst.
Ares/'Dite was dressed in a black leather outfit that looked like one of Xena's cast-offs, blonde curls pulled back in a ponytail.
Ares immediately grabbed Iolaus by the throat, hauling the startled hunter off his feet and dangling him in mid-air. "I know crap like this follows you like you follow that do-gooder brother of mine!" Ares screamed. "If I find out you're behind this I'll...I'll.."
"Have a hissy fit?" Hercules asked sweetly. "Put him down, Ares. Iolaus didn't do this to us, Hera did."
"US?!" For the first time, Ares looked at the others in the room. 'Her' jaw dropped, then so did Iolaus, as the God of War doubled over with laughter. "Do you how stupid you look, 'brother'?" Ares gasped.
Hercules wasn't laughing. "Yeah, I have a pretty good idea," she said coldly. "Looked in a mirror lately, Ares?"
Ares stopped laughing. "What's THAT supposed to mean?" she snarled.
"Ooops!" 'Dite grabbed Jason and Iolaus, hauling them across the room. "There!" she exclaimed, "We ought to be able to watch the fight safely from here!"
"What fight?" Iolaus rasped, rubbing his throat.
"The catfight that should be starting..."
"Prissy do gooder!"
"War-mongering slut!"
"right about now." 'Dite finished.
"Jerk!"
"Wimp!" The two women lashed out at each other.
Iolaus' eyes widened as he watched. He had seen them fought epic battles before but this time they were slapping each other.
Then, they started to grab each others hair and twirl around each other screaming in pain.
"This is interesting." Aphrodie commented as he, Iolaus and Jason watched while eating something that Dite conjured up. It was a light fluffy treat coated with butter.
"This is good. What is it called again?" Iolaus asked.
"It's called Popcorn."
"Fake blond!" Ares spatted out.
"You don't look natural yourself." Hercules pointed out.
"Hey! I'm am or um... was a natural blond!" Aphrodie exclaimed.
"Well. I." Hercules stopped and slapped herself. "Ares, we're acting like..."
"Women. Damn it. I can't let my men see me like... this." Ares said as she put her hair back into a ponytail. "Especially Xena."
"Xena!" Hercules exclaimed as she snapped her fingers. "She can help us... adjust."
"Where is she?" Iolaus asked Ares.
"Somewhere east. I think." Ares scowled, "She might not help out much. She's pregnant."
**note: This takes place way before God Fearing Child**
"What?!" Everyone except for Aphrodite exclaimed.
"Xena? Pregnant?" Hercules repeated, "Oh boy. That's so exciting! I wonder if it's a boy or a girl? We have to visit her sometime."
"I can't wait to see the kid." Aphrodite added, "She's going to be a cutie."
"Whoa! Xena? Pregnant? Who's the father?" Jason asked.
He and Iolaus glanced at Hercules. "Herc? Did you by any chance... visit Xena while I was dead?" Iolaus asked cocking an eyebrow.
"Well, of course I di...wait a minute..are you implying...Iolaus!" "Well, I know you normally wouldn't, but well, with me gone and all, I thought you might seek some...comfort,shal we say, with an old friend," Iolaus replied, smirking a little.
"I did not! Anyway, she's a FRIEND, not my girlfriend. Well, ok, she was my girlfrined, sorta, ah...." Hercules trailed off, noticing the absolutely murderous look Ares/Dite was directing her way. The demi-goddess started backing up.
"Are YOU telling ME that you and my XENA?!" Ares snarled, stalking towards Hercules, who promptly ducked behind Iolaus.
"Guess who's NOT the daddy?" 'Dite asked nobody in particular.
Hercules bit her lip anxiously as the knockout blonde Goddess of War continued to stalk her in a circle around the temporarily regendered God of Love.
"Uh-oh," said Iolaus, glancing back and forth between the two and continuing to snarf his tasty goodies. "Looks like this whole relationship is about to change complexion." He grinned in anticipation.
"Better duck, Curly." Aphrodite had apparently detected the same shift in undercurrents. "I think it's about to get really nasty in here."
"Like this whole experience wasn't totally icky, before," Iolaus muttered, prudently retreating a few steps.
Ares cocked a meticulously manicured fist. A halo of fire began to glow around his elegant nails. "Let me show you," he announced, in a breathless contralto, "Exactly what I think about THAT!"
The bolt exploded from his dainty fist, leaving a cometary trail of flower petals and heart-shaped spangles in its wake. But there was nothing pretty about what happened when, despite her best efforts, Hercules failed to dodge the incoming blast.
"OWWW!" she wailed, writhing convulsively as the bolt slammed her from the wall and she ricocheted from there to the floor.
Ares stalked closer and wound up again, a beautiful yet malevolent smile parting her sultry lips.
"OWWW!" wailed Hercules, thrashing helplessly as the Goddess of War continued the torment, firing one glittering pink salvo after another.
It hurt. It hurt terribly. Hercules had taken many a beating from Ares in the past; but none had ever seemed to result in such overriding pain and disorientation. The room spun and her vision went hazy.
Ares chortled musically. "Hah!" he raged liltingly. "Guess what, SISTER?"
Lying prone and vulnerable on the ground, unable to gather strength enough to rise and confront her tormentor, Hercules could sense the final bolt humming with lethal power as it grew in the War Goddess's rosy-fingered clutch.
"Bwahahaha!" said Ares. "I have PMS! And I KNOW HOW TO USE IT!"
"Iolaus--" Hercules pleaded weakly, feeling a trickle of blood from the corner of her mouth. _Where could he be?_
And then, with one final, all-encompassing impact, the world exploded into suffocating darkness...
And then he woke up.
"HERCULES!"
Someone was shaking him, none too gently.
Hercules gasped and flailed aimlessly against the arms encircling his torso. Fortunately, he registered the identity of the voice in time to gentle his movements.
"Iolaus?" he panted. "Whazzamatter?"
Iolaus was staring down at him in concern. Behind him, the embers of the campfire had burned low. Beyond the branches of the trees around their camp, a few twinkling stars pricked the firmament. A small breeze sighed. All was tranquil.
"I don't know, buddy," Iolaus said. "You tell me." He sat back on his heels. "It sounded like one heckuva nightmare to me."
Hercules swallowed hard. "You can say that again." He became aware of a nasty ache in his middle. "Oof. I don't feel so good."
"I TOLD there was something wrong with that stuff at the banquet."
Memory began to return. The feast celebrating the anniversary of some ancient victory at the palace; his loving, impeccable mother gently reminding him of the proper manners due from a demigodly guest...
The dread spectacle of Falafel emerging, wreathed in smiles, from the kitchen...
"Oh," said Hercules ruefully, but with enormous relief. "That's okay, then. It must have been something I ate."
"You going to tell me about it?" Iolaus asked curiously.
"No," Hercules replied. _Thank goodness. It was a dream. It was only a dream.
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